There is No Epic Loot Here, Only Puns

52: Griminology

"Stop it..." Grim mumbled as Billy the archer goblin poked him with a stick. He was currently face-down in some grubby looking camp space that smelled of raw meat and very old socks. Grim guessed that was what goblins smelled like.

This one had introduced himself and then dragged him here.

This 'Billy' annoying him had an added 'minty' tone which just made the whole affair worse. The only upside was in the camp, surrounded by tents and mushrooms was a cheery campfire. Its fire soothed his aches and rapidly forming bruises.

"You're an idiot for trying to sneak past Boary. Pigs have big noses for a reason and it's not for decoration," the goblin explained. Grim pushed himself to his knees, grabbing the stick with a snarl.

"I got this far on my own, I'm not an idiot!" he argued, ignoring the tiny voice in the back of mind.

On his own...and armed with things he didn't earn nor deserve.

The wriggle of guilt stirred in his stomach but he stubbornly ignored it. Once he got some semblance of power, of importance, he could pay it all back in a single swoop. He could devour arcane books of knowledge, of ancient tomes, and forbidden texts. He would gain power faster than someone who he already considered to be cheating.

Grim the mage, Grim the powerful, Grim the known...

Something jabbed into his neck and he blinked as the goblin held an arrow to his neck.

"You really are an idiot," the goblin said with disgust which made Grim go very still, his mind quickly running over what he could reach or use before he ended up as a goblin food.

"You got this far because Mother Delta is kind. Not to you in particular but to everyone. So many traps, so many dangers she could have pushed you through, the spiders, the storeroom, the mudroom, all so basic and yet, I had to carry you here past the fort room where Hob and Gob were waiting to throw some very big rocks at your head!" Billy snapped and Grim glowered with anger as he winced. The words from the goblin's mouth a stinging needle that slipped past his own angry walls of reason.

"Was that who was screaming that I smelled of 'Elderly berries' and called my mother a hamster?" Grim demanded. Billy snorted.

"Mother's leaking her insults again, pity she never uses them," he mused and Grim stood, dusting himself off.

"Unless there's some special goblin treasure here, besides your 'wisdom', I'm going ahead," Grim said with a flat tone. He stewed in a growing temper as he stormed towards the only other way out of the camp, in the far distance, a huge door loomed.

He yelped as an arrow buried itself in the ground just between his legs. Grim spun to see the goblin lowering a bow.

"Do not dismiss me...as if you are stronger," Billy said quietly and he slipped another arrow onto the bow.

"W-what the heck is your problem?!" Grim demanded and Billy made an impressive leap and ended up balancing on one of the tent poles with practised ease, bow aimed.

"Ahead awaits Sir Fran. You have not proved to us goblins you deserve to see his might. You have not proven yourself to me!" he growled. Grim felt like an open target with nowhere to go.

"So, what, you shoot me in the back? Hardly proves anything. Archers are only good when they strike first or get the drop on someone," Grim said, hands slowly lowering to his side. Billy the Archer grinned a crooked smile.

"Arrow would have hit if I wanted it to. Like this," he fired and Grim yelped but the arrow soared past his cheek, stinging the skin as his backpack was pinned to the wall with some force.

"Cois has his fire, Numb has his strength, Hob and Gob have more power than I will ever have. All I have is my arrows and you will not dismiss them," Billy called.

Grim slipped his arms out and reached into his pocket to pull out a scroll. He hesitated before he broke the seal, releasing the magic.

All around him, copies of himself ran in every direction. Incorporeal but real looking clones that ran or did some action as the real him moved and got lost in the swarm of Grims.

All at once, every Grim spoke.

"Hit me now, you blowhard!" he shouted and Billy merely tilted his head.

He put an arrow through a clone and it made a cheerful pop as it faded. The arrow barely lost any force as it hit the ground. Billy fled to the side of the room and swapped his arrows.

"...Why is that arrow black?" Grim asked and Billy smiled again.

"Didn't have a lot of wood to carve. Had to make do with mushrooms," he shouted and fired. The arrow seemed to crumple after a hit and Grim felt smug as it barely popped a clone. Billy fired again at the same spot and the arrow buried itself in the campfire.

"You should just quit while you're ahe-"

The campfire turned green and expanded wildly outwards as a horrible smell made Grim gag. He coughed and sputtered as his stomach began to turn. Most of the clones seemed to vanish and Grim scowled as he chewed on some botany book that he had bought cheap in town.

It took some pages but he slowly began to heal enough to expel the gas from his body.

Billy was looking at him.

"Neat trick," he said, eyeing how Grim's cheek healed. Grim considered what options he had available. The goblin looked to have more black arrows on himself and Grim was lacking his backpack.

It didn't look great. So, he imagined the goblin was Deo during one of their 'spars'. The boy had great potential and power, letting Deo control the field would only result in a painful bruise and a humiliating defeat. Here was no different.

He went straight and stared down the tunnel.

"Are... you Delta?" he whispered and the goblin spun with surprise and Grim lunged at him, aiming for the bow.

It was dirty but Grim also felt that a room-filling gas attack was also unfair, so he gave as good as he got. The goblin reacted faster and tried to jump out of the way but Grim slashed the half-chewed book at him. The paper leaving about 49 neatly packed cuts along the back of one of Billy's hands, making him yelp. A little after effect of Grim's nibling. The uneven edges and rough cuts of the teeth marks became a little odd after he ate a chunk of a book.

Grim felt like victory was assured but felt his jaw twinge as Billy just began using the bow as a makeshift wooden melee weapon. Grim stumbled and his book became rather battered under the assault.

He remembered what his Dad had taught him, he ducked low and slammed his fist up into the goblin's throat.

He gasped as his knuckles screeched in protest and Billy gagged.

They both stood still as Grim shook his hand wildly in pain and Billy tried to breathe. There was some hooting and laughter as two other goblins from the fort were bent over in glee, pointing at them as they began to go red.

Grim backed up and ran for it. Outnumbered, he could do nothing, he freed his backpack and hauled himself towards this 'Fran' before Billy could recover.

---

Billy stood and glowered but shook his head as Hob and Gob made to chase the boy.

"But uh... he's going towards Fran, shouldn't we stop him?" Hob scratched his nose. Billy rubbed at his throat with a savage grin.

"Reckless..." Mother's voice called out as she sighed, chasing after Grim.

"No, boy has the spark. Hidden under greed and stupidity. I can't bring it out but Fran..." Billy trailed off and Gob smirked.

"Fran will beat it out," he agreed. Gob laughed.

"Fran will drag it out!" he hooted.