Caught in the Middle

Chapter 4

"Wait, you're saying Sullivan admitted to it?" Beckett turns on the bench of our table to face Jack in disbelief. Jack throws his leg over the bench to the other side, so they'd be able to face each other. It was the icing on the cake when I came home last night, to an email informing me that I've been requested to work a full nine shifts with Station 19, starting today. It became more of a slap in the face that the email came directly from Ross after knowing now that she probably had ulterior motives.

The order she gave me, felt more like it was her way of keeping me on a tight leash than anything else. "Who cares?" They both gape at me when I mumble it under my breath. Beckett gives me an amused look, with that lopsided grin of his. "The truth doesn't matter now?" I shrug at him before putting the paperwork for the captaincy exam in my briefcase. I rest my forearms on the black leather to give them my full attention and get this conversation over and done with.

When Beckett and I walked into the station this morning for our shift, we both had to pinch each other to make sure we weren't living in an alternative universe. The team were being abnormally nice. Greeting the two of us with broad smiles instead of the judgmental scowls as we'd come to expect. Vic asked us what we did during the weekend and Ruiz asked Beckett's opinion on the new car he wants to buy. Ben thanked me for Pru's present and showed me pictures of her playing with it. He even offered Beckett and me a piece of birthday cake.

I threw in the towel and made my escape to the roof when Andy apologized and asked if we could all go out for drinks after shift. Beckett and I gave each other one look and ran to the door, while Jack told them to turn it down a notch. He came up later, with breakfast, to fill us in on what happened at Pru's birthday party.

Carina's weird questions finally made sense. My head was still reeling over the abrupt turn our conversation took. I felt terrible over losing control and admitting to my own pain. Even though the guilt was gnawing at me, it also felt like a firework went off in my mind as soon as I said it. Like the last of the pressure I was under, finally exploded and it was weirdly freeing. I didn't realize how weighed down I became by keeping my own pain a secret from Carina, just so I could spare her from her own.

By letting it go, the world finally made sense. The secret was what has been keeping me here and cutting that cord from the hope of somehow fixing things, was like a breath of fresh air. I only had one last secret to share with Carina before I can let go of her too. It was time for me to move on. I deserve to be free.

"The truth is somewhat irrelevant when you're not planning on sticking around for the outcome of it." I bite my bottom lip and let it slip past my teeth before inhaling through my uncomfortable grin. I puff out a breath of air after blowing it into my cheek. "They feel like crap for not believing you." Jacks says while looking equally uncomfortable while Beckett and I both laugh.

"Tell them they can stop. It's what I've come to expect with this team but if they want my forgiveness, then I pardon them. I'm not allowing myself to get shunned again when I do something to offend Andy. This is her station and I've made peace that I'll never earn my place here with them." I shrug at Jack when he starts shaking his head. He takes my hand in his.

"You are our family, Bishop. This station is your home." I sigh in dejection because as much as I love Jack, he was as loyal as they come when it came to Andy. "I'm sorry, Gibson, but you went dark too and they didn't stop fighting for you until they managed to rescue you. Every time I make a mistake or go against their expectations, I become enemy number one. We're not the same." I look over at Beckett to back me up, which irritates him.

He groans with his head thrown back. "You're leaving Seattle because you don't feel at home. I'm too biased to have an opinion because I want you to stay. So, if making up with those idiots downstairs makes you feel like you belong here, then I'm going to help them." I glare at him and Jack when they share a smug look with each other. I pull my hand out of Jack's and slap at both of them when they try to pull me back to the table.