Caught in the Middle

Chapter 28

I look back over my shoulder when I feel movement behind me and feel my heart skip a beat when I see the vision still snuggled up in my bed. Her feet are tangled in the sheets next to my hip. She's lying on her side with her hands tucked underneath her cheek. "Mhm." I run my hands up and down her calve until she snorts on another snore before cuddling deeper into my pillow. A lock of her liquid chocolate hair falls over her eyes, which clearly irritates her seeing how her nose scrunches up into the most innocent and adorable face I've ever had the pleasure to observe.

I twist myself around on the side of the bed to get a better vantage point to admire the beauty squashing my poor pillow. Carina's eyes are moving behind her lids while she dreams away, and I can't help the smile from forming on my face at the knowledge that at least one of us have been able to sleep peacefully. I only managed a few hours of happy dreams and calmness before my nerve endings were set alight by my wife's wandering hands in her dead sleep. Her fingers barely grazed the sensitive bundle of pleasure over my sleep shorts, and it jolted me awake like I've been electrocuted.

A cold shower meant nothing and unlike the master-of-masturbation-techniques I married, my aching center had refused to accept my own wandering hands as a worthy opponent after our increasingly hot and sweaty make-out sessions. I love Carina more than clipboards and fire, but my fuse was this close to getting burnt out. There is only so much a warm-blooded woman can take without having an orgasm. I know my growing frustration from being completely celibate played such a large part in the blame for the fight we had.

When I woke up in the middle of another restless night to find my wife at the door of my bedroom, a flood of memories ran through my mind. For the first time since I first said I love you, I wasn't afraid that she was there to tell me that she was done. Instead, other memories came up to help me figure her out. Every single time Carina came home with tears in her eyes over a patient she had to treat, or couldn't save, she would make herself get lost in the positive things in her life. When we first got together, that meant sex. Lots and lots of sex, but as the years went by and our love grew, merely spending time in each other's company became enough.

We would go for a drive, try out a new restaurant or coffeeshop, or just sit opposite each other in my office, or anything else that required us to be together. Sure, we would come home to some of the best sex we've ever had, but she never used my body to escape her own mind. Unlike me, who needed that physical connection to break free from my clouds. Which is why I couldn't allow us to cross any more lines last night. Cumming on her leg like I was a sex-starved prisoner in my own place of need, was not how I wanted us to make up. But good grief, if it wasn't the most explosive orgasm I've had in months.

When I woke up with my wife's incredible physique draped all over me, I knew I needed a run to save me from myself. No matter how mad I am at myself for losing control last night, nothing will ever make me regret getting that close to her again. I've missed having her in my arms, but what surprised me most, is that I no longer needed her as much as I want her. In the past it was like I needed to be close to Carina in order to breathe but after our little squabble, my world didn't feel like it was ending.

I knew in my heart that we would be okay and that our love is strong enough to withstand every single one of my clouds and demons. But I no longer need her to stay. I want her to come over to our apartment. I want her to crawl into bed with me and let me hold her. I want to look into her eyes while she tells me every small detail about her day, and I want to love her as much as I want her to love me. I never understood the difference until I discovered there is one during a session with Diane.

I was so sure that I fell back into the darkness after I came home to Carina once again, vacant of our house. My mind was filled with panic and worry over snapping at her, but I took a minute to reflect before going into a full-blown panic attack. When I went into my session with Diane that morning, I was so sad over failing to control my emotions. She told me to go back to the first few pages of my feelings journal to make me believe in myself and my growth as much as she does. She had me do the same exercise we did when I was still living on the Becketts' couch.