Caught in the Middle

Chapter 9

"...I know it wasn't fair to throw all of that on you. You can yell at me while we walk." I take a step back into the sun in an attempt to chase away the icy feeling that entered my limbs upon seeing Carina at the station. She was honestly the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen in my life but seeing her in those tight jeans and my turnout jacket woke up parts of myself that I was a hundred percent certain got deactivated after Carina moved out.

Her words were so heartfelt and sweet that I momentarily forgot the reasons why I've been saying no to a date with her. Seeing her again after such a traumatic experience with the whole hostage thing and after such a long time of giving her space, made my heart flutter and my libido beat to the drum in my chest. It took every part of my last restraint to not take her into my arms and allow her love to bring the warmth back into my life. Especially since she tried to win me back while wearing those damn pink scrubs and white coat of hers the first time. I honestly didn't think she'd be able to top her last few attempts, but today was almost too much to bear.

I see Carina chew on her bottom lip while she looks up at our apartment building. She clearly craved the privacy of our four walls to have this long overdue conversation. I can understand her hesitation after my confession at the station and I understand her need to talk it out, but my run did not help clear my head at all. It was all good and well to only use running as a fun activity but what am I supposed to do when my mind insists on trying to escape to the clouds.

I would've preferred to talk to Diane and work through everything but maybe talking it through with Carina would be a better fit. She is the other party getting affected by this new revelation after all. Honesty is fundamental to the new and improved Maya, and after everything I've put her through, the least she deserves is the truth. "Talking about my dad makes me feel trapped and quite frankly, you make me nervous as hell. The fresh air helps me feel less overwhelmed and keeps my head out of the clouds."

I try to meet her gaze but can't hold it, especially when she gives me the kindest smile. How can she still be this compassionate after learning of the true nature of the monster raging inside of me? She points her thumb behind her before she turns around on the heels of her feet. She waits patiently for me fall into step alongside her and I focus on putting one foot in front of the other, not wanting to show her how badly I needed an escape from the clouds trailing behind us in my mind. Waiting and watching for the first sign of weakness so they can pounce.

I can see her nervously pulling on her fingers while we make our way out of the parking lot. "We can head to the park or go get some coffee or something..." We stop at the sidewalk and look at opposite directions. Maybe I should've thought of a destination before I came up with this idea. Carina hates walking, or any kind of outdoor activity that results in her breaking out in a sweat. Especially if she's still wearing those high heels, that don't seem too comfortable, no matter how good they make her legs look.

When I look back at her she tilts her head to the west, while reaching out her hand to take mine. I quickly pull my hand away and avoid looking at her as I start walking down the sidewalk. I can't bear the thought of seeing the disappointment that's surely showing on her face. "I'm just happy to be here with you, Maya. How about you walk me home. We can talk whenever you're ready, or not." I give her a grateful smile while linking my hands in front of my waist.

I hope I can resist the urge to play with my wedding ring, not wanting to give her the wrong idea. From her reaction of my nervous habit back at the station, she might mistakenly assume that my wedding ring is still a symbol of hope and love, and not one of remorse and promise to never hurt anyone the way I hurt her. I look down at Carina's left hand and feel the usual crushing sorrow of seeing her ring finger empty. How can she expect me to hold on to hope when she gave up on us months ago? Why is it so hard for her to convince her heart to let me go like every other part of her has?