The Tree Remembers

Pity Party

I couldn't describe the unbearable embarrassment I felt.

I had gotten home, walking as quickly as I could through Hawkins, and desperately trying not to cry. As soon as I got through the door of my apartment, I fell onto the couch and curled up into a tight ball. I started to cry, feeling absolutely stupid.

How could I have said something to him? It was so long ago, and it was already embarrassing to have lived through it. On top of me feeling terrible, I know it made Eddie feel bad.

Worse, it made him pity me.

I let out a sob, pulling the blanket off the back of the couch and wrapping it around myself. I was hit with a wave of Eddie's scent – I groaned when I realized this was the blanket that he loved to drape over us when we would curl up on the couch. He insisted it was the warmest blanket he had ever used and that it was his blanket. He would tent it over us, whispering to me about whatever we were talking about and make me laugh in spite of how ridiculous he was.

I took in a shuddering breath, and instead of pulling the blanket off, I wrapped around me tighter, resigning myself to the fact that this was going to be the closest I would get to Eddie again. I let out another pitiful sob, remembering how Eddie looked at me. Like I was pathetic.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to erase it from my memory. I sighed when I realized that's why he had been so lovey with me – he just felt bad for me. I had stupidly given into it, wondering if this was maybe an indicator that I should give into an obvious crush I had been trying to push down. But now I realized that it was his guilt, or pity, or a combination of both.

I knew better. I knew better than to give into Ellie's high school crush, than to let my walls down. But Eddie had changed – I did believe that. But it didn't change what had happened. Or how he looked at me. God, why couldn't I get that out of my head? That expression of pity, like I was this helpless girl who was stupid enough to think our friendship could move into something different.

I jumped when the phone rang, and I poked my head out from under the blanket. I took a deep breath and reached out to the phone to pick it up.

"Hello?" I said wearily.

"God, all Alan and I have been able to talk about is how cute you and Eddie were last night! I don't think that I've really seen you two interact like that before, it was adorable," Nick squealed into the phone. I felt another wave of sadness and my lip started trembling.

"Oh," was all I could muster.

"You two need to figure it out, because you could cut the sexual tension with a knife! Alan's obsessed with him, which is good for me, because now I can keep you to myself," he continued. I loved Nick, but he was terrible at picking up cues.

"I don't...I don't think we are going to much outside of coworkers anymore," I said, working my hardest to keep my voice even. Nick got quiet and I took a deep breath.

"What did he do?"

"He didn't do anything," I said, my voice betraying me and breaking. I could hear movement on his end.

"I'm going to kill him!" Nick exclaimed.

"Nick, I promise, he didn't do anything," I insisted.

"Alan – get changed," Nick ordered. I sniffled.

"What are you doing?"

"We're coming over, obviously," Nick said. I smiled. "And I don't want to hear your bullshit about wanting to be alone."

I smiled. Nick was a good friend.

"Okay – I will see you soon," I said quietly.

"Love you – see you soon," Nick said before hanging up. I set my phone back into the receiver and then let another pathetic sob out.

Why was I so upset? I had spent months pushing Eddie away, insisting that we were just friends. I set rules on whatever our "friendship" was. I constantly reminded him the limits on our friendship. I didn't do anything to curb his jealousy.

But then I let him in little by little. I tried my hardest to be someone he would want to be with. I broke our rules. And then I went right back to where I was before – where I was the one who was stupid and put too many expectations on us. And now, Eddie pitied me.

I was so embarrassed. And I was Ellie again – someone Eddie would be embarrassed to be with. I just couldn't believe him when he said he wouldn't be. I would always be the one who was lesser and could be pitied, and I didn't know how to work through it.

I looked down – I was still wearing one of Eddie's Metallica shirts. It was my favorite one of his, and he always took such glee in me wearing it, even bringing it when he spent the night so I would wear it even more. I buried my face in my hands. I was so confused.

There was a knock at the door, and I slowly trudged over, opening the door to my friends. Nick was standing in front of me, a bottle of tequila in one hand and a grocery bag in the other. Alan stood behind him, smiling kindly with a bouquet of sunflowers in his hands.

"We officially hate him," Nick announced as he bustled in. Alan passed me, kissing my cheek as a greeting. I closed the door and shook my head.

"We don't hate him," I corrected. Nick started whirling around, cleaning and organizing as a way to take care of me. Alan set the vase on my coffee table and sat on the couch, opening his arms up for a hug. I let out a sad sigh and collapsed in Alan's arms.

"You deserve a John Cusack or a Brad Pitt!" Nick insisted, pulling glasses out of my cabinets and opening the tequila bottle. I looked at Alan and he made a face, making me laugh.

"Honey, why don't you come sit with our friend instead of making assumptions?" Alan suggested, squeezing my shoulders. Alan came over with three glasses and handed them out. I took it from him, and he sat next to me, sandwiching me between him and his boyfriend.

"I'm sorry," Nick said, squeezing me close to him. "I just get protective of you."

"I know," I replied, leaning my head on his shoulder. "Eddie really didn't do anything wrong. He's, unfortunately, become one of my favorite people."

"Then what happened?" Alan asked, rubbing my back. "You guys are like magnets, drawn to each other. And the way that boy just looks at you—"

"It's just," I started, my voice catching. I clenched my eyes shut, Eddie's face flashing in my brain again. "It can't work."

"But why, Ellie-girl?" Nick asked. I winced at that name. I let out a shuddering breath.

"Because...I'm always going to wonder if he's going to break my heart and think I'm Smellie Fisher again," I sobbed, burying my face in my hands.

"Oh, Elle," Alan said sadly, pulling me close for a hug, I felt a pang in my chest – there it was, someone else pitying me.

"I don't know why it's bothering me so much," I said, still crying. They both held me, comforting me.

"Because you like him. And it's okay to like him," Nick assured. I sniffled.

"I just need to move past it. I can't deal with people pitying me, especially him," I insisted. Nick rubbed my back.

"Okay, we'll help how we can. Let's start with a drink," Nick said, making his voice cheerful. He held his drink up, prompting us to do the same. "To our Elle."

Alan held his glass up, and I clinked mine with theirs before throwing the strong drink back, and desperately trying to forget Eddie's face.