Kissed By The Moon

CHAPTER 27: I Am Unafraid

Dear Readers,

So sorry for the long Hiatus.  I was travelling and then things just seemed to pile up, but although I couldn't post, I was writing, and I finished the book so I will post the rest of the chapters as I proof read them - likely all in one day since we've thrown the schedule out the window.  Let me know what you think.  I think I will also add an Epilogue, so, that will be the only outstanding part of the book but I will likely Publish that this week as well.  Thank you for your patience.  I think my writing style may have changed from when I started, so just bare with me:)

xxx Moonshine

*****

The room is left quiet for a while after Desirée takes her leave. The silence is awkward, and it takes me back, to the very first days when Charlotte got here. When we didn't know each other, and I thought she didn't want to be here. Only one of those things has changed now.

I want to ask her why I sensed so much distress coming from her when she came in, but I decide to stick to safer topics, like the impending war we have to start preparing for.

"Uhm," I begin with a little hesitation, "We need to start preparations for a likely war. I'll call a meeting with my parents and other ranked wolves and tell them what we've just learnt from Desirée."

Silence. I'm met with silence. Not even a shake of the head or a polite acknowledgement that anything has been said. That empty quiet settles between us again and I resign myself to it. Charlotte looks deep in thought and I don't know what she is contemplating but I'm not curious. If I can go on and pretend that she's still in this with me, that we can still be together, then I'll do all I can. I think of something else to say, but before io can say it, she says something that drains all the blood from my face and freezes me in time.

"I know about the incident!"

And just like that, she guarantees the end to us. Is this why she was so distressed? Because she'd heard what I'd done? How I'd maimed a friend because I was out of control. Now I'm a new, bigger wolf and the potential for harm is far greater. Visions of blood on my hands cross my mind. I'd injured many pack members in the past – the ones that were part of the fake kidnappings – but I'd never maimed anyone.

I'd always separated enemies and friends. I'd been strong, determined and precise, but I'd never been vicious. I can still hear James' cries for me to stop. I remember being stuck watching Eres massacre a friend, unable to take back control.

"What have you done Amari?" Is all I heard from Charles before the sedative took full effect. I had blood all over my mouth, my clothes. There was blood in my hair that I seemed to never be able to wash out. And then James left. He just went away and left the pack he loved and defended because of what I had done.

I start to think of Charlotte leaving and I'm gripped with such a strong, unfamiliar terror. Charlotte came here to tell me goodbye. To leave whilst she's still in one piece and although I understand that need in her, I cannot fathom her going. Not now. Not when her mark decorates my neck, and her presence is all over my house. Our house. Not now when I love and need her.

I don't know when it happens, but panic grips me. First slowly. I try to soothe it by telling it a departure isn't a guarantee and I hold on to that hope for only a little while. I want to say something to make her stay. Tell her that I'd never hurt her, or that I'm better and in control but I start to doubt that. I thought I was in control when I attacked James. Even in the last days when I felt myself losing it, I thought I was in control.

So, I don't have anything to say to her and my heart rate increases. Breathing becomes difficult and I'm bent over the desk holding my heart trying to breath through this panic attack. I haven't had one in years, and I have all the tools to help me through it, but I can't seem to remember. Is it 5 things I can see or smell? Do I take deeper breaths or shallow ones. Was it always so fucking hot in this Goddamn office?

I feel her hands on me, and her electric touch pulls me out of my own head.

"Ames it's going to be okay," the echo of her voice tells me, and I want so badly to believe her. She's closer now, one hand on my shoulder, the other over the hand that's clutching my heart. She brings that hand towards her own heart, and I take note of how slow its beating compared to mine. Mine feels like it's burrowing a hole through my chest to make its way to her.

"Breath with me Mari, okay?" I look at her and copy her breathing.

"I'm right here," she says, trying to sooth me, not knowing that those words are breathing life back into me.

"I'm not going anywhere," she reassures as if knowing it's her presence that's holding me together right now.

My breathing becomes easier. With her so close I soon settle down. Everything in me settles down. The panic melts and washes away the visions of blood in my head. My heart calms down in my chest and I feel so centred. I lift my eyes to see that she's already looking at me. Worry etched into her beautiful green eyes, but there's something else in them. A certain certainty and determination. I find it calming and the panic attack becomes a distant memory, all evidence of it gone.

"Amari, are you okay?" she asks with a serious tone in her voice, demanding that I tell her the truth.

"I'm better now," I respond. It's the only truth I can communicate.

She regards me briefly then accepts my response. She takes a deep breath before she continues.

"I'm sorry if my reaction made you think I didn't want you around that night. I was admittedly terrified. I'd never seen a wolf like that before and I wasn't even sure if it was still you. I was scared! I admit that, and I wish I wasn't! At the very least, I wish I could have held it in, but I didn't, and I regret that so much!" she takes a breath before she continues. Scanning me to make sure of something.

"But, in the future, you can't run from me. You don't get to abandon be just because of a reaction. I'm a work in progress, I'm not always going to react the right way and say the right things, but you don't get to put me in a guest room, or sleep in your office or run into the woods because of it! You don't get to ignore me and make me feel like you don't want me around!" Her anger flares.

"You talk to me! You confront me! You stay with me! You don't send Brie and who-the-fuck-ever-else to me like its somehow the same as having you around! I'm your mate! For fuck's sake I'm even branded!" she grabs her shirt and pulls it down, snapping a couple of buttons and revealing my mark on her in its entirety. My heart leaps.

"I was afraid," her tone softens, "so were you. It was new and there was no way to prepare for it. When I pulled myself together, I waited for you, but you never came." A tear falls down her cheek, but she wipes it away like she's mad at herself for allowing it to get loose.

"So today I decided that I'm going to come to you, because I realised that you might just be waiting for me too. I'm sorry for how the incident made you feel about yourself. But you aren't the big bad wolf in my eyes, and even if you were. I'd love you regardless. Trust me to love your monster, and I will."

She pulls me in for a hug and holds me in place. I feel shackles falling off me like I'd chained myself to my past and she was allowing me to be free. I don't have a response for her, and I'm not sure if one is necessary so I relax into her embrace knowing that we'd been fixed. Happy that she was brave enough to come here when I had been such a coward. Grateful that she loves me. Sure, that I love her more. The power of the Selene was in her hands because it was by and for her that I'd either live or die.