𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭 || baxter radic

51.

◈ 𝒃𝒂𝒙'𝒔 𝒑𝒐𝒗 ◈

Walking away might have been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Not only once, but twice. Two times I've had to walk away from the girl that I love not knowing if I'll ever get her back in my arms. It's a feeling that no one should have to experience, but for some reason, most all of us do.

I want to numb my mind from my feelings. I don't want to have to think. I want to escape from my thoughts. If I don't I know they'll only drown me. I guess this is why she didn't want to be near me. We're drawn to each other, and once we start we can't stop. I needed to stop.

Summer may say that we are banished from seeing each other, but that won't happen. Every day we will run into each other. We run with the same friends, hang out at the same places. There was no just avoiding each other. We would see each other—and being able to hold myself back was not going to end well. I have no disciple. May has learned it—apparently—but I am not May and I haven't been through treatment.

It's been over a month since I've gone to May and I's beach. Honestly, it's probably been even longer than a month, I've sort of lost track of time—all days seem to blend together. But I've decided that today's the day I'll start going again. Maybe it's for selfish reasons, hoping she'll appear like she always has. But I'm highly disappointed when I look out and see myself alone at the beach. That doesn't stop me from continuing on with the old routine for weeks.

It's nearing on almost three weeks since my lips departed Mays' and Summer's done a pretty good job at keeping her away. We've seen a lot less Summer at gatherings and I can only assume it's to keep May from me. It hurts, it does, but I've continued on with distracting myself.

I still hang out with girls, I probably shouldn't be around. I do what May told me to do because if she doesn't come back—if she is never going to return to me—I need to be able to find someone else to love. Maybe I won't love them half as much as I love her, but at least I'll have someone to lean on when I'm losing myself in her. It wasn't fair to anyone, but I've always been selfish. Well, selfish when two Americans aren't involved.

"You couldn't hold out could you?" Summer plops down next to me on the sand, slinging her arm over my shoulder.

"I knew Ari would snitch." I look at her to gage her reaction. I expect disgust—or anger—but there is neither. She shakes her head, but she shoots me a look of understanding. I was only doing as I was told, which was to not wait around for something that may never come. "How is she doing?"

"If I told you I'd be breaking girl code. But..." her voice trails, a playfulness heavy in her eyes, "she's actually doing really good. I also know how hard it is for you to see other people, so how are you holding up?"

That's right. Seeing other people killed me. I only started for revenge, almost like a big fuck you if May were to come back unexpectedly. But then it slowly just morphed into who I was. It became a part of my personality to jump from one girl to the next—using make outs to cloud my mind from thinking of May. But it never really helped, I just tried to convince myself that it did.

It was two weeks after May broke up with me that I found out where May had run off to. Summer couldn't keep the burden to herself. But more than anything she couldn't watch me suffer anymore. She couldn't continue to watch me numbingly make out with girls to get over her best friend. But she was a little too late. I was too far down the numbing rabbit hole for the hook ups to stop. They helped, not much, but the little relief they gave, I took.

When I found out May went to a facility to get help, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I knew that at least she didn't go home. She didn't go back to New York. She didn't run to the woman who ruined her life. That's what I spent many sleepless nights worried about. I feared that she'd become even more tainted and corrupted. But when I got the news that she was safe—protected—I felt like I could breathe again.

"I'm alright." I wasn't not okay. But I wasn't good. Alright was the only sufficient word.

"You know you don't have to see other people. May will come around. She's been talking about you every day. I mean she talked about you every day she was gone, every day since she's been back. Bax you have to know she'll come back to you." I did think she could come back. But May had proven that she was unpredictable.

"But what if she doesn't Torres? What if I just sit around waiting forever? I shouldn't have to waste my life waiting for her to realize we are meant to be." Waiting for her wouldn't be a waste of life, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't give myself a fighting chance for a future without May. If it ever had to come to that.

"She really wants to see you again." Leave it to Summer to avoid my questions. They were rhetorical, and I didn't want an actual response to my questions, but I would have taken any advice she was willing to give.

"But you're forbidding her, I know." I run my fingers through my hair, messing up the blonde faded locks on top my head.

"Actually, she's done a really good job controlling herself. Talking with her therapist every day helps. She was wondering if maybe you'd be interested in doing a double date, but not date, with Ari and I later tonight." Summer is weary as she asks the question. She's tiptoeing very lightly around the question. She knows I already have plans for the night. But she also knows that I will cancel them instantly for a moment with May.

"Did you suggest this idea to her?" I raise my brows in question. Summer knew I had a date planned. Summer planted seeds. She was way too wise for any of us to realize it.

"I can neither confirm nor deny." She smiles widely. "So double date not date?"

I agree to it. Before Summer even lifts off the sand I'm sending a text to cancel my original plans for the night. "Where are we going?" I call out after Summer.

"It's a surprise, just wear whatever. She won't care! She loves you even if your naked!"