Ada's Story - Kinnporsche Universe

Chapter 11 - Starting to heal

Weeks passed and me and Tasanee texted every day. We went to the bar maybe twice a week because she needed to work.
When I was with her my mind felt light again, she was so cheerful and positive about everything. She enjoyed taking rides on the motorbike with me, especially late at night.
Her presence brought a little bit of joy into my life again along with my family. But when I was alone, my mind used to take over me, remembering everything.
There were days where I was joyful and happy, and others where I didn’t even want to leave my room. I didn’t tell anyone what happened and why I was like that. I tried, but my words always stuck into my throat, tears building in my eyes, hands shaking and breath hitching. So I just gave up on telling anyone.
I remember one of the many gloomy and depressing days of mine: I was at home, in the bathroom, looking at my reflection in the mirror. I hadn’t seen myself without bruises, cuts and blood in a long time. I should've been happy about it, but I just saw the stupid girl who got fooled and humiliated. I focused on my hair, Sunan's words flashing through my mind “You have such beautiful hair.. so long and silky.. perfect to grip and pull.. to keep you under my will”. I cried, still looking at my hair, feeling disgusting and dirty. I opened the cabinet under the sink and grabbed a pair of scissors. I looked at them for a brief moment and then proceeded to cut my hair. I cut them very short, until I looked like a completely different Ada. I once again looked at myself in the mirror and I felt better, I felt relieved.

After maybe a month of knowing each other, me and Tasanee became more comfortable and relaxed around one another. I remember feeling strange around her: my cheeks would often heat up at random compliments she would give me and my heart would pound fast whenever she got a little too close to me. I was clearly having a crush on Tasanee, but I never liked a girl before, and I didn’t think I liked women, so I simply thought I just admired her a lot.
One day, we were on our weekly motorbike tour and we had just sat on the ground in a quiet area of the city. We didn’t speak at all, we just enjoyed each other's presence while smoking a couple of cigarettes.
Suddenly, Tasanee spoke “Ada.. I want to tell you something” she said, very serious, crushing on the ground her almost finished cigarette
“You can tell me whatever you want” I reassured her, exhaling the last couple of puffs remaining
"Promise me you won't leave after I tell you this” she demanded, even more serious. I've never seen her so composed and cold
“I promise” I simply said, turning towards her to look her in the face. She seemed worried
“I.. I’m lesbian..” she said, almost whispering, her head lowering in order not to look at me
“I don’t see the problem” I softly said, something inside me warming up. I was happy to hear that from her, almost as if I longed to hear it coming out of her lips for so long
“You.. you’re not mad? You’re not disgusted?” she asked, wide eyes staring at me
“Of course not! Why would I? I don’t care what gender you prefer to fuck around with” I laughed, joking to make her feel more relaxed. She laughed too, feeling better after my response “You’re right.. but my parents didn’t think the same..” she said, smiling, but with evident sadness in her eyes
“Why? What happened?” I asked, concerned that they might have hurt her
“You know that I live on my own, right? That’s because my parents kicked me out of their house when I came out to them. I was only fifteen.. I had to drop from school, find a job, find a home.. I lived on the streets for months, then a family member who didn’t think I was a monster, landed me the house I currently live in. I just need to pay the bills.. I hate them.. but they’re my parents, so I stupidly hope that one day they would call me and say to me “Come home Tasanee, we're so sorry for what we did.. We love you Tasanee”.. Just the last part would be great” she explained, looking at her hands. I didn’t say anything, I simply hugged her tightly, feeling sorry for what she went through.
“You’re so brave..” I said in a low voice
“Brave? Why do you think so?” she asked
“Almost a year ago, something very bad happened to me.. but I can’t talk about it, it hurts too much, my mind overflows with memories and it becomes overwhelming. But you can speak out loud about your past.. and I admire that.. I really do” I confessed, feeling tears build up just my thinking of Sunan. She hugged me, caressing my back
“But you want to talk about it, right?” she asked
“Yes..” I replied “Especially to you..”
“Why me?” she asked, laughing a bit.
“Because I feel safe with you..” I confessed, my cheeks heating up
“I feel safe with you too.. that’s why I told you about my parents” she smiled, resting her head on my shoulder, still hugging me.

We stayed there, embracing each other for some moments, until she spoke again
“Ada.. can I tell you something else?” she asked, this time she seemed less worried
“Sure” I smiled softly. She then broke the hug and took both my hands in hers, taking a deep breath
“I think.. I like you Ada.. I've liked you since I saw you in Yok's bar” she smiled at me.
I froze in my spot, face turning bright red, I felt my chest pounding and heating up. I didn’t know how to react, I was so happy and excited, but also extremely scared. Memories of Sunan came to my mind, but I tried my best to silence them
“I.. Tasanee.. I think I.. like you too..” I hardly spat out, my body still frozen
“REALLY?” she smiled widely, gripping my hands tighter. She looked at me for a brief second and then started approaching my face. She was going to kiss me.
I immediately stopped her, placing my hands on her mouth, trembling and almost screaming, my arms and hands shaking uncontrollably “Don’t.. please..” I simply said, looking at her with pleading eyes. She gently took off my hands from her face, smiling at me once again
“Don’t worry, I won’t do it if you don’t want to” she caressed my face with both hands, drying a couple of tears that silently escaped my eyes in the meantime.
She embraced me, calming me down. By that episode she understood that I had severe traumas related to relationships, both romantic and sexual.
I expected her to react badly, to call me crazy or weird for reacting that way just for a kiss. But she didn’t, she did the exact opposite. She cuddled me, telling me that she will help me go through this with me, that she wouldn’t disrespect my boundaries and that she will wait for me to tell her what happened.
I was a crying mess, mixed feelings ran through my head. I felt loved, respected, appreciated, but also ashamed and guilty for having such a big emotional baggage and throwing it at her. She had hers to deal with and I would’ve been just a burden to her.

We soon got onto the motorbike and I brought her home, hugging her before leaving, whispering a weak “Thank you..” in her ears.
When I came home I wanted to tell Korn about what happened. I had already told him about Tasanee as soon as I met her and he seemed to like her, based on my descriptions.
I parked my bike and headed inside, finding Korn surprisingly right at the entrance
“Oh God you’re here! I thought something bad happened to you.. It's later than usual” he said, a bit sternly, like every worried parent would
“I'm sorry dad.. I was with Tasanee and something happened” I confessed, lowering my head, not knowing how he would react
“What happened? You fought with her?” he asked concerned
“No.. it’s quite the opposite actually.. Dad.. Me and Tasanee like each other..” I spat out, not daring to look at him. He stayed silent, for too long for my liking, but then he spoke
“So Tasanee is your girlfriend now.. right?” he asked calmly
“I guess so..” I finally lifted my gaze to look at him, noticing he was calm, smiling softly
“I'm so happy for you baby” he smiled again, hugging me gently and warmly. I hugged him back, tightly, extremely relieved that he didn’t react badly
“Dad.. did you understand that I also like girls.. right?” I asked, just to make sure he didn’t misunderstand what I said
“Yes, and that doesn’t change anything about who you are and how much I love you” he assured me, stroking my back.
I was starting to build what those six months destroyed. I was starting to feel a little bit better day by day. Even if those memories were still loud and clear in my head, I thought I could finally start to heal.