College Life | Hailee Steinfeld

Chapter 43: Why?

Chapter 43:

Hailee's POV:

"I've done something terrible" I confess to Y/N. The guilt is weighing heavy over me. The thought of Y/N finding out about Josh messaging me and what happened... Oh God, I can't even imagine a world where Y/N isn't my girlfriend; where I don't have Y/N and I know if she found out about the kiss then she wouldn't be my girlfriend anymore.

I visibly see Y/N stop breathing for a second, but she musters up the strength to ask me a question that I don't think either of us want me to answer:

"What do you mean? Like what?" Her soft yet shaky voice questions me.

In the moments leading up to me confessing to Y/N about me and Josh's encounter, I was fully prepared to be honest with her; to come clean and tell her the truth about everything but when I heard her voice break and ask me what I did wrong I couldn't follow through. In that moment, I backed out. I imagined how this conversation was going to end, I imagined Y/N getting up and leaving me there alone. I imagined a life where Y/N was with someone else while I sat around beating myself up over this mistake. So, I didn't tell Y/N the truth. Like I said, it was a mistake and I won't let it happen again. She won't find out. I'll make sure of it.

I decided to confess something, just not what I had originally planned.

"I've been distant with you, and it's been hurting you, so I'm sorry" I say to her. I look into her eyes, and I see a flash of relief across her face and her eyes gain some life.

"Oh my goodness babe, you scared me!!! I thought it was going to be something worse!" She exclaims as she takes breaths of relief.

Oh, you have no idea.

"I just wanted to apologize to you. For making it so obvious that I've been distant and pulling away and to be honest with you; the distance was harder than I thought. With all my other exes it was never an issue, but I'm so attached to you that it was almost impossible for me to be happy without you near me. I guess I was still in a funk from being away from you for a month, and I'm trying to adjust, and it's been hard because for a month it felt like I was living a life without you, and I've never been more miserable in my entire 27 years of life. That's when I knew".

"Knew what?" She asked me, her voice soft and full of curiosity.

"That I can't live a life without you, you're it for me Y/N. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you" Tears well up in my eyes. I'm not lying (technically speaking). It's true. The distance was hard, I do love Y/N and I want to marry her. The tears were coming from a place of love but also from a place of guilt, but I can't lose her, and I made the selfish choice to continue with these lies to shield her from ever finding out of the truth.

"It's a good thing you won't ever lose me then" Y/N says as she leans forward and plants a passionate kiss on my lips.

The rest of the day we spent like how we used to. Cuddling, laughing and watching movies together. That's all we really had time for since Y/N had a busy day the next morning. With Y/N now an actress in addition to her social media fame, she's been extremely busy, but I am so proud of her. Her favorite thing right now is her 'Get Ready With Me' tik toks and it's a hit with her audience. Especially because her show; The Summer I turned Pretty, being so popular she's gained so many followers. Dare I say, she's almost as famous as me now haha. Her manager has the next couple of months for her pretty booked and I'm willing to put my music and acting on pause for her to work and shine. I want to be where she is, she is my home and I understand that now. Even if it took a mistake for me to realize it.

We wake up the next morning and I told her I wanted her to take me through a whole day of filming with her, and I'm starting to regret that now since she has to be up at 4:00am.