[ the chokehold the new vault songs have on me is insane ]
Natasha's pov
"What do you mean, you're leaving?" y/n stood in the doorway. It was clear that she was still trying to process what I had just told her. It breaks my heart to see her like this. Her voice was small, I can't even begin to understand how she's feeling right now. After all, I gave no explanation.
I wanted to avoid this whole situation. I had a plan. While she was at work I was going to pack a bag and leave, maybe send her a letter or something. I know that's messed up and I really should be honest with her, but now, seeing her like this, I knew I had the right idea.
It's not her fault I'm leaving, but I can no longer stay here, it's not safe for me. It's not safe for her. If she were to get hurt because of me, I would never be able to forgive myself.
I managed to tear my eyes off her and went back into the closet, grabbing whatever I needed and carrying it back to my duffle that was sitting on the edge of our bed. For a moment I couldn't move as I studied the space in front of me. All the memories we had made on this very bed. They all came flooding back in one second. I almost wanted her to tell me not to go.
No, that is exactly what I wanted her to say. If she did, I know that I would never be able to leave. But that is not what she said.
"You're leaving right now?" I could hear her voice crack, even in its weak state. I couldn't face her, especially not now. So I stayed facing the bed, finally able to look back at the half-empty bag in front of me, but I couldn't bring myself to fill it.
"Look at me!" she screamed at me, pain evident.
She never raises her voice. This was bad. I knew it was going to be bad. I had imagined this moment, running it over and over in my head. But now the time has finally come and it's so much worse than I could have ever imagined.
I didn't want to leave. But I can't stay.
I could hear her approaching me. Granted the time for subtlety was long gone. She gripped my arm and forced me to face her. Even with her standing mere inches from me, I still couldn't face her. My head dropped down and I desperately tried to keep my eyes on the floor, but I could feel her staring at me. "Natasha. Please look at me."
"I'm sorry." I felt so weak. My voice was barely above a whisper, but I knew she heard it.
Then she did something, I did not expect. She pulled me into her. Arms wrapping around me and I instinctively leaned into her and wrapped my arms around her too. Breathing in her sweet scent. "Talk to me." she pleaded. Desperation laced.
This was it. She could ask me for anything. She could tell me to not go.
"Will you at least tell me where you are going?" I sighed at her question. Yes, I could, if I had an answer. But I had no plan. I was thinking impulsively when I decided to leave. I was just going to book a late-night train to the furthest place I could and never look back.
In the back of my mind, I did hope that one day we would rekindle our flame. Perhaps she would've waited for me because I would have for her. Forever and always, I will wait for her.
"I didn't know where I was going," I told her honestly and she only nodded as she pulled away from me. The coldness from the lack of her touch sent shivers down my spine.
Why wasn't she asking me to stay?
Maybe it was because I had told her about my past. How I never stay in one place for too long and she assumed that one day this day would've come. The thought makes my heart ache.
The pain quickly migrated from my chest to the back of my throat. I hadn't even noticed that I started tearing up until her thumb wiped away a single tear and her hand lingered on my cheek. Caressing it carefully, she was more gentle than usual. From the look on her face, I could tell she was scared. As if she was afraid I would disappear if she touched me if she wasn't careful.
"I'm sorry," I whispered again. This time leaning into her unit our foreheads rested against each other. I welcomed the warmth being close to her brought. I wished I could stay in this moment forever. But I was leaving and I may never be able to be in this moment even again.
Selfishly, I stole a kiss. She didn't fight me. I let myself stay in that moment for longer than I should have. Long enough to feel her warm tears on my skin. On my lips and on hers. I almost tried to pull away but she held me there. Both hands on the back of my neck, keeping me there. "I love you," she whispered against my lips.
She was desperate. Holding on to me for as long as she could.
Maybe this was her saying "Don't go." Or maybe it was just her cherishing whatever time she had left with me.
But eventually, like all good things. Our time came to an end and she moved away from me. Taking a step back. But her eyes stayed on me. As if she wanted to watch me continue to pack up and leave her.
So that's what I did. Zipping up my duffle and throwing it over my shoulder and walking toward the door which she held open for me.
She wasn't even trying to stop me.
Following me all the way to the front door and leaned against the wall as she watched me put on my shoes. I turned to her one last time before I opened the door. Lingering at its threshold for longer than I should have.
"Goodbye, y/n." she didn't respond. "I love you," I whispered and she only nodded, attempting a smile but it faltered.
Finally building up the strength, I walked through the door and closed it behind me. I failed to take more than two steps away from it when I heard a muffled sob.
What did I just do?
I turned around and stood facing the tall piece of oak, separating me from my love. I placed my hand on the doorknob. Trying to build the courage to pull away and leave.
But I couldn't.
"Don't go," she spoke. I wasn't sure if she knew I was still here, but that no longer mattered when I turned the knob and pushed the door open.
Her eyes were already red and streaks of tears stained her beautiful face. She looked surprised that I had come back.
"Okay," I told her. She was confused, even as I dropped the bag on the floor and quickly approached her. She took a small step back. I wasn't offended by the action, in only a few short minutes I had ripped her heart out and tried to give it back all battered and bruised.
"I'm sorry, baby. I wasn't thinking right. I did think that I was protecting you, but I didn't want to leave. But, I can't afford to risk your life any longer than I already have."
"Tasha. I can take care of myself. As far as I'm concerned, the only person who has enough of me to hurt me, is you." she choked out. I apologized once more, hoping that it soothe her pain, even if only a small bit.
"Only if you promise to never do that again. Don't ever leave me again and I can forgive you." I nodded at her request.
"I promise. I also promise that as long as I'm here I will always do my best to protect you. I gave up too easily, but without you, I am nothing. I will never leave you ever again. I promise, y/n."
"Close the door." was the only thing she said and I did not hesitate to kick the door close and run into her open arms. Cherishing the warmth her embrace brought.
