valley of lies ;; park sunghoon

chapter 16;;

i walk down the halls with one strap of my backpack hanging over my shoulder and the other cascading down like a tree branch about to snap.

i don't have the energy for school today. what's the point anyway? i'm not happy here or anywhere else. and now that y/n's not talking to me again, i feel like i'm slumping back into my old ways.

i thought something was happening. by the way she was acting, i thought maybe she was coming around to forgiveness. but i guess not. i should've known better than to think she'd actually started to forgive me.

i went to bed without dinner and woke up without breakfast. why should i take care of myself? i know i made a promise but i don't deserve to keep it. i don't deserve to be healthy when i made a horrible fucking mistake that'll surely haunt me for the rest of my life.

the air sifting through the windows is cold and i think i smell the scent of cigarettes. they've never appealed to me before but now... now it seems as though they're calling my name.

i've heard nicotine takes the edge off. should i try it?

i wish someone else was here to stop me from going up to the roof, but no one's around. jake, heeseung, and jay have yet to arrive and i doubt y/n ever comes up this way. i try to tell my feet to stop moving but my brain doesn't want to communicate my actions.

i open the door to the roof to be met with a bunch of the smokers. the scent fills my lungs as i take a deep breath in. god, addiction has never smelled so good.

"hey, isn't that park sunghoon?" i hear one of the guys whisper.

"what's he doing up here?.."

ignoring them, i walk up to one of the guys and nod toward his pack of cigarettes. "mind if i smoke one?"

some junior snickers from the corner. "oh shit!"

"what happened to the sunghoon that was soft for that girl? what was her name again?"

"y/n, i think."

"oh dude, she's in my class. she's kinda hot to be honest."

i turn around. "what the fuck did you just say?"

he widens his eyes and shakes his head. "n-nothing."

"keep her name out of your fucking mouth." i turn back to the guy with the smokes. "can i?"

he laughs shortly. "well, i'll be damned. park sunghoon smoking? never thought i'd see the day."

"just answer the fucking question." i roll my eyes. it seems the universe is trying to stop me from ruining my lungs but i can't be bothered. why should i care anymore? they could deteriorate for all i care.

"help yourself."

i pull one white tube out of the package and bring it to my lips. the guy hands me a lighter. i pull the trigger back and watch as the tiny flame bursts from the metal.

i flicker it a few times before bringing the lighter to the end of the cigarette. the paper shrivels up and begins to turn into ash as the flame meets the tube.

i suck in the nicotine before taking the cigarette out of my mouth and blowing away the smoke. it's never tasted so good. i'm getting lost in my own little world and it feels so fucking free. i could get used to this.

i hand the lighter back. "you got a spare pack?"

he takes it out of his pocket and throws it, me catching it in midair. "park sunghoon smoking," he shakes his head. "what a shock to us all."

i don't answer, instead stuffing the pack into my pocket and continuing smoking the one in my hand. i smoke it until it reaches its end, stomping the remains into the cement roof.