Willium Valen and The Blessing of Apollo

Put Me In A Movie

I had another nightmare, this one was the full thing if you know what I mean. Something I have realized is that...while I was in the mindscape I was raped.

I don't know what to do with that, but I'm fine. I'm completely fine, utterly fine. It's probably all an illusion or something I cooked up in my stupid head. I'll be fine just like I have always been. I am sick and tired of crying and falling apart daily. I want to be okay again, so if I have to lie to myself to do it then so be it!

I got out of my bed and got dressed.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," I muttered to myself.

I walked out of my room and walked out of the cabin.

It was early in the morning, hours before breakfast, and long before the sun rose. I needed to clear my head, I still had the feeling of doubt inside of me, but I could do this. I had to. If I couldn't then why would I even bother with anything? The truth would be out, I was a weak whimp, everyone else was better than me.

I walked up to the river, the river that Geo fell into. I sat down on a fallen tree by the shore and looked at the water. It looked warmer than it was in May, I remember that I hated the water. The first time I ever scream was when my Dad tried to give me a bath. I liked looking at the water, but there is nothing that anyone could do to make me get in. So, what in the world made me jump in after Geo.

Geo Valentino, the world's most annoying person and I jumped in after him without even thinking. I was glad that I did that though, when it really matters no petty argument can come in between us.

Strength,

How was that strength? Was being strong letting go of a petty argument?

Whatever it was, I did it, I had three out of seven blessings. There was no need for the self doubt.

A week later I got my 4th blessing, it was the blessing of intelligence. I had gotten more and more blessings, but then I fell apart.

I had been keeping in all of my emotions, pushing down all my memories, but they all came back. I knew this wasn't healthy, but I had convinced myself that I was fine.

"That dinner was good," August said.

I was walking behind everyone, but Emrie was walking next to me. I hadn't noticed that I had started hyperventilating and full-on shaking.

"Willium, are you okay?" Emrie asked.

"What? I'm fine," I muttered as tears started to roll down my cheeks.

"Are you crying?" Zaira asked.

"I'm fine, I just..." I sighed. I couldn't bring myself to talk about it, I don think that they would've understood.

"Did something happen?" Emrie placed her hand on my shoulder.

I took her head off my shoulder and nodded.

"I'm fine," I said.

"You sure?" Emrie asked.

There it was, a window, a way out. In my case windows don't lead anywhere, but doors did. Sadly I don't get along that well with my door.

"Yeah," I said.

Emrie nodded and we all went inside, I walked into my room.

After a while of just sitting on my bed, I heard a knock on my door. I sighed, I sadly recognized the knock.

"Come in," I scoffed.

Geo opened the door. "How did you know it was me?" He chuckled.

"I just know things, what are you doing here?" I asked, whipping my tears.

Geo sat down next to me on my bed. "Zaira asked me to check on you,"

"Mhm, well I'm fine. Don't need to be checked on," I said.

"Are you sure?" Geo asked.

"Yes, I am." I scoffed.

"Okay, you don't need to get defensive," Geo said.

"Well, I said I'm fine and I meant it," I rolled my eyes.

"Willium, I was just trying to help," Geo said.

"Well, I didn't ask for your help," I cried. Tears streamed down my face and I started shaking. I hated that I would just naturally push Geo away, I didn't want him to go away, I needed him.

"What's happening with you?" Geo asked, placing his hand on my shoulder.

"I don't know," I sobbed.

I felt like a fool, sobbing my heart out, in front of Geo of all people. Geo patted me on my back.

"You're going to be okay. I'm sorry, I have to be back in my cabin," Geo said as he got up.

"Goodnight," I shuttered.

"Goodnight," Geo sighed as he left.

I remember crying all night long until I fell asleep. I hated feeling this way, but there was nothing that I could do about it. So I had to just let myself feel.

I woke up in tears from nightmare after nightmare. I was trapped by my sadness, it was drowning me, if I were a painting in a museum people would cry out of shame and then move on. Tears would've stained the canvas, smearing the colors, slowly until there was nothing left, only a mess. I was that mess, but even a blotch on a canvas is considered art now.

I sighed as I got up, 3:06 a.m., I didn't want to go back to sleep. The nightmares had been relentless and I knew I couldn't take it anymore. I sat on my bed over the messy covers. The light of the moon shone through my window, a soft blue hue filled the air. My body shook and drops of sweat trickled down my arms. I felt so still in that moment, I didn't feel at peace, but I didn't feel anything. Everything around me was silent, I didn't hear a thing, Willow says that quiet is the only plus side of being deaf. In the emotionless void that I was in part of me wanted to scream and part of me wanted to cry, the other part didn't care. Tears waited in my eyes, but I didn't do anything about it, I wasn't avoiding the problem. I was just there. The blue light of the room slowly turned yellow as a yellow glow fell into my hand and faded into me.

Content,

was what the blessing was. I'd call it sitting in sadness, but I guess that wasn't what Apollo saw.

I remember the first time I felt trapped in sadness like this. I was 14 and picked on a lot in school, but this was different. It was in P.E. a boy in my class would make fun of me and his friends would always join in. Some people would make fun of me or ignore me to be friends with those people. Anyway, we were all running laps and they had come up behind me. They all pushed me to the floor and jumped over me, but one of them landed on my arm. My arm had only been fractured but they laughed after they did it. Someone must hate you a lot to go as far as fracturing your arm. The night after that happened I didn't sleep at all, I stayed up all night just sitting on my bed thinking. That night was also the start of a terrible habit of cutting myself. I didn't do it a lot, but I did it enough that I learned how to hide it. My parents never found out about it and I haven't done it in a year or so. I would do it whenever I felt like there was no way out, whenever I was mad at myself for crying so much. Long story short I started that habit again. I couldn't even believe that I was doing it again, I promised myself myself that I would never do this again.

"Shit," I muttered in tears, holding my wrist tightly. I put a bandage on my cut and put one of my sweaters on to cover the bandage. Tears streamed down my face, my body shivered, and I hated myself for doing this.

I did end up falling back asleep, I didn't have a nightmare, but I had the weirdest dream. I wish I had a nightmare instead of having a dream about Geo, him of all people! I had a dream that he never went back to his cabin, and that he stayed with me. In the dream I opened up to him about what had happened to me in the mindscape, but I don't think I'll ever be able to open up about what happened to me. It was too hard to even think about, it just hurt too much. I don't know, maybe in the future I will be able to talk about my trauma, but not now.