DEEP BREATHS | lando norris

CHAPTER 15

ILMA

No, this can't be happening for fuck's sake. It's the first race after the summer break, I should be enjoying myself in every way possible to be able to get back into that bolid and race again. But no, someone had to ruin it.

I tangle the sleeves of my racesuit on my waist, wearing only the black fireproofs and a pair of sunglasses because it's too hot in Spain for me. It's Victoria's home race and I was just on the way to her driver room to cheer her up, because she is probably feeling a lot of pressure today, but then I saw this fucking face I last expected to see on this paddoc. Generally speaking I know that everyone can get a paddoc pass, right, but the thing is that my ex was never interested in Formula One nor my racing career. He never came to any of my races and that's why I could never imagine him in a place like that. He always told me that racing is only a sport for men and that there's no place for women in it.

And the fact that he said this, made me get into Formula One a year after we broke up. I worked harder to get here and it eventually worked out. Now everytime I win a race I am thinking of his words and I'm being happy I can prove him wrong. And that I am the one to tell him he was wrong even if I'm not using words for it. Me raising trophies in the air every time I win a race is a better explaination than the ones that are described with words.

But now I'm freaking out as I see his face and a cocky smile that he has when he looks at me. He knows I'm scared of him. And for fuck's sake no matter how hard I'm trying to hide it he somehow knows that it's just a play pretend. I speed up my pace as I'm walking down the paddoc, trying to get to the Red Bull's garage as fast as possible but it seems to be miles away.

My breath quickens as I'm watching behind my back to see if he still follows me. He does. I have to stop a couple times because of fans asking me to sign something for them or to take pictures with them which makes me loose my pace to him.

I don't even notice when an arm lands around my shoulders and drags me into a garage of a team. I haven't looked up to checked the logo. But the cologne I feel tells more words than he could.

"Calm down, Ilma." he whispers and opens his driver's room for me, where cameras can't go unless Lando will let them in.

I sit on the couch and hide my face in my hands, trying to calm myself down as I feel pannic attack coming up. Fuck. Fuck. I can hear Lando taking a few steps in my direction and then crouching in front of me as if it would help when he'll watch. He doesn't know what to do even though he had been with me once, when I had a panic attack. But it was different back then. We were different. The thing between us was different. We hated each other and never thought of helping the other but now? It's complicated. Sometimes we act like we hate each other and sometimes we act like this.

I still haven't got over the thing that happened in my flat, even though Lando looks like he doesn't even remember it.

"Shh, Ilma, I'm here." Lando whispers, trying to calm me down but it doesn't really work. So he sits beside me and after a moment of hesitation he puts a hand on my back and soothes me a bit. "I'm here. It's okay. He's no longer here. He won't find you here."

I feel tears starting to run down my cheeks but I'm not aware of me crying at all. I just feel the tears. I take a deep shaky breath which probably warns Lando because he suddenly takes my hands in his, just to bring mine out of my face. He looks at my face and when he sees me crying, he opens his arms with a sigh. Then I completly give to my emotions. I lay my head on his chest and I feel his arms wrapping around me. I feel like a little kid right now but the fact that he is the one to see that doesn't trigger me that much. It would be much worse if I bust into tears in the middle of the paddoc and if my ex would be probably the one to come up to me. I would no longer be safe.