Captive (JiKyu)

7. 불안

Jihoon slammed the door to his room shut, holding his lips with trembling fingers. He couldn't believe what he did- he kissed Junkyu, the tender touch and woody taste of them still lingering on his. He fucking kissed Kim Junkyu, a guy, his friend living a few stairs down.

"Gosh, fuck, no!" He uttered, holding his dress tight. He felt dizzy, the alcohol in his system alerted him that it might have been a whim of the moment. He had always found Junkyu pretty, maybe he was attracted to those lips cause he was lightheaded from the drinks?

He breathed in and out, trying to calm himself, trying to get the blurry image of Junkyu's zoomed in face right before the kiss. Junkyu had looked even softer, so pretty- like fluffy clouds tinted with twilight glow. His breath felt like a warm gust of wind in a winter night. His eyes looked like a garden with flowers in bloom- a wonderland with the world's most magnificent garden.

Jihoon went to the bathroom, splashed water on his face. The thoughts he was having, the way he started looking at his friend wasn't right. And holy fuck, how would he face Junkyu the next day? What would his excuse be for bluntly kissing him that way?? Jihoon couldn't rest his mind, even after taking a long, warm shower, even after lying down on his bed, looking at the warm lighting on his ceiling. He once thought about walking down, clearing things up with an apology, but he didn't trust himself. He was barely sober. What if he messed up again? And worse, what if Junkyu condemned him? No he wasn't ready. At all.

So he rather spent an hour trying to handle the inner conflict between the good feelings, the pretty image and the feeling of doing something wrong, unethical. In the end, he decided to think about it later, which finally allowed him to fall asleep.

When he woke up though, the memory was still afresh. A pretty face, a cute pout, a sudden kiss. He sighed. He still felt good about it. How unfortunate! His head was clear though. He had a blunt headache but he could think better. And the idea that he came up with was the ultimate art of escape- pretense. He decided to pretend that he did not recall the kiss, at all.

It was hard from the get go. When he walked out of his room, he saw Junkyu, meeting eyes with him once then run back to his room, locking the door. Jihoon sighed. It's gonna he difficult- he could tell. He collected himself, then knocked on the very door. Junkyu opened up, looking all anxious.

"Breakfast?" Jihoon asked, trying not to focus on last night's event. Good thing Junkyu played along. They finished breakfast with no question asked, even when they got in the car, Jihoon thought Junkyu would ask something, he didn't. At least halfway through the ride. But then, like a thunderstorm, he dropped the question.

"About last night... Why did you do that?"

Jihoon felt the loud beat of a bass drum ringing in his ears, he suddenly felt dry in his throat. He was so ready for it, yet, it froze him. He grabbed the steering wheel tight, cursing in his head to keep holding a calm, oblivious face. Half succeeding, he asked with a small laugh, "What about last night?"

Junkyu looked at him funny. A frown, confusion, more questions, lack of clarity. Jihoon couldn't blame him.

"The ki... The incident in my room?"

Oh fuck! Jihoon got nervous for a second! So Junkyu wasn't brave enough to mention it either, huh? What a relief!

"Hm? Did I do anything?" He pretended. He felt so guilty, but what could he do anyway.

"Do you.. not remember?" Junkyu looked so lost. Gosh! Jihoon wanted to say it all, but he was scared- scared of hearing that Junkyu hated it.

"Honestly, all I remember is getting drunk in the bar." He said instead, "But yeah, I do remember getting home... Hyunsuk hyung dropped me here and... Nope, nothing after that."