Char&Nicky

No more keeping score

TW: self harm, violent thoughts, mention of SA

If you find these themes triggering, please skip this chapter.
If not, feel free to stay!

Take care <3

~●~●~●~●~●~●~●~●~●~●~●~●~●~●~●~

Charlie's POV:

[writting in his teal notebook covered with greek mythology motives]

Dear diary,

Today is not any better than was yesterday, the day before and the day before that one. It's been five days since "the accident" I cannot name in case someone sneaks around my room and finds this notebook. I've told everyone it's for my book reports, so I doubt anyone will be looking in it. Fuck it then, the thing that happened, what Ben did to me, is tearing me appart. I am still questioning if it was my fault, if I somehow triggered him to hurt me. I cannot even sit in my body without feeling uncomfortable. I want to crawl out of my skin. Tear it appart from my body and leave it out to dry in the wind until it is fresh enough to wear again. I want to ripp Ben's face off his body. Not literally. It is just my anger playing out in my head. In my mysery, I do the best I can and still, it is not enough. Not enough for my teachers who all look at me like something is wrong with me, not for my mum who comments on my lazyness, how my room and hair and nails and bed are all dirty and messed up. She doesn't even know that it is meerly a reflection of how I'm currently feeling - disgusting. I am having a horrendous time getting in the shower, but when I do, I make sure to scrub down every single poisinous touch of him. I scrub and scrub and scrub, until I bleed. Until this skin is not mine anymore, but of someone else. Then I get out of the shower, my skin beaming red from all the scrubbing, and slip down the wall to the bathroom floor where I stare blankly at the tiled wall opposite me. At that point I cannot discern which is water from the shower and which are tears streaming down my face. I loose all the sense of time, staring. Feeling disgusting. Feeling all the guilt I have ever been brought in my life. The words echoing in my head: " But because of your pathetic little ass I felt sorry for, here we are".
Then, from the other side of the room echoes another, like a soft melody: "Hey, just... promise me to take care of yourself, okay?".

Nick.

It is then that I usually stand up, even if I have to lean against the sink to be able to stand on my feet. The more his voice echoes in my mind, the more strenght I get. Even if I have to waddle around and grab onto things to get to my bed. And that is how I managed to pick up a pen and this notebook. Somehow Nick is helping me even when he is not around. That is incredible. He asked me the other day at school if I would like to go to the fair with him. I just now remembered he means the Spring Fair. "You, a Spring should attend your own fair", he said smiling smugly. Suddenly all of these crap feelings were gone. But now they are present again. I obviously said yes. He saved me so many times and he probably doesn't even know it. Besides, his company is precious.
Oh, also, Tao has been texting me, like, everyday. I didn't have the energy for answering most of the time but he never faied to send me something caring or silly. He and Elle called me on facetime when they were on one of their movie nights. Elle doesn't know what happened, I think. But she knows how bad my deppression can get and never fails to support me. She said she was "sending love" and made a heart with her hands. I swear, I have the bestest friends.
We'll see how the fair goes. If I will have enough energy to go. I have to go. I cannot leave Nick hanging. I don't want to do that. Currently, this excitement is the only thing that lives in me besides mysery and anger towards Ben. I haven't seen him since then. It's better that way, I don't know what would happen if we met face to face. I hope he burns in hell. I hope guilt eats his soul and leaves it in irreparable pieces. I loved him. I really really fucking loved him. And the only thing he did was use me. All. This. Fucking. Time.
It could've been me, I could've been the problem. I did want to be out with him. I wanted atleast some people to know while we were together. I didn't want it to end like this, I hate this. I had to end this. It is my fault it ended. No, no. He literally assaulted me. He ASSAULTED ME AND I AM STILL DEFENDING HIM.
No more, no more of this. I don't care what my mind tells me. It is not my fault he did this to me. It is not my fault he was using me. It was not my fault that I continued to be with him even though deep down I knew it. I felt like I had no other choice, like there is no another way of living. Without him.
I feel sorry. Sorry for myself. Sorry for Ben for having shitty parents. Sorry for bothering Tao and Nick with my problems. I can't call them problems even. All of this is meaningless anyway. Things happen, life goes on. And I am still at the restaurant.

Love, Charlie