(Tw ED)
I've always had problems with eating ever since I started playing football. I know the least amount of food I can to eat to give me enough energy to play in games and to train, it's not a lot for the normal athlete but it's the most I can eat without feeling too full and gross.
I got injured 2 weeks ago, i sprained my ankle in the match we played against watford. The physio said I'll be out of training and games for at least 6 weeks and I'm dreading it. What I'm most afraid of is falling back into the cycle of not eating since I won't be needing energy for football for 6 weeks.I've noticed myself skipping meals and putting off eating. I know it isn't healthy but I can't seem to stop. It makes me feel in control and it slows down the constant thoughts of me and my body not being good enough.
During the 2 years katie and I have been together, I haven't told her about my eating issues because I don't want her to be constantly worrying about me. She has asked a few times why I never eat a lot but I just told her that I don't have a big appetite and she seemed to let the subject go.
Over the past weeks, she has been at training a lot so it's easy to get away with skipping meals when she isn't home. When she gets home from training it's normally around 6/7pm so I make dinner for her and say I've already eaten. This whole plan seemed to be working but tonight she came home and told me we were invited out to dinner with the team for Beth's birthday.
"Hey baby" she says walking into the living room and pecking me on the lips.
"Hey, what do you want for dinner?" I ask as I haven't got round to making it yet.
"No we're going out for Beth's birthday tonight" she says sitting next to me. My heart rate starts to pick up because I know I have to go and I know I'll have to eat in front of everyone on the team.
"Y/n? Are you okay" she asks Turing her body to face me, after getting no response from me. This snaps me out of my thoughts.
"Oh yeah, that will be nice" I lie,giving her a smile.
"Yeah, come on we should start getting ready" she says standing up off the sofa and pulling me with her. That's another thing, I've only been wearing loose clothes around her so she wouldn't notice the weight I've lost recently and going to dinner means I'm going to have to wear a dress.
Once we're both showered and I've done my makeup Katie goes to the wardrobe to pick an outfit. Once she picks hers she grabs a black dress for me to wear. When she picks my outfit I normally love it but tonight I hate it because that dress is tight and it will be obvious that I've lost weight. but I can't think of a reason to say no to her. "Yeah that's cute" I say as convincing as possible. I'm just going to wear a big jacket I think to myself.
I walk into the living room in my outfit, Katie had been ready before me so left me upstairs to get changed which I was grateful for.
"You look gorgeous baby" Katie says while giving me a gently kiss making me smile.
"You don't look to bad yourself" i say smirking when she playfully rolls her eyes at me.
—-
We arrive at the restaurant and most of the girls are ready here. I say hi to everyone while Katie goes and grabs us a drink. I give Beth a hug and say happy birthday to her while giving her the present Katie picked up earlier.
When we sit down i try and avoid taking my coat off for as long as possible but Katie gives me a weird look, so not wanting to cause a scene I reluctantly take it off making my anxiety increase. No one seems to be looking too intently at me which I was afraid of but then I feel Katie's arm going around my waist. My heart rate picks up. I feel her hand come to a stop and she looks at me worriedly. I try and avoid the inevitable by giving her a smile but she stands up and excuses us from the table causing us to get a few confused looks from the girls. She leads us outside, I don't have time to grab my coat before she pulls me to the door.
She eventually stops pulling me when we make it outside the front of the building. She looks me up and down and I see her eyes gloss over making me feel horrible.
"You're tiny y/n, have you not been eating"
She says while her eyes examine my body.
I don't have an answer, I can't lie because it's obvious I haven't been. I can't hold it in anymore I let the tears fall. Part of me is glad she found out because I know it's not healthy but I can't seem to stop. She doesn't say anything and just pulls me into her. "we're going home, love" she says and it causes relief to wash over me but it is soon replaced with guilt. I don't want to be the reason we miss Beth's birthday. I try and tell Katie this but she's having none of it. I eventually give up and we head back in and Katie tells the girls that I'm not feeling well and that we're going to have to go home. They seem to understand. We apologize to Beth and say we will have her over for dinner to make it up to her which she seems to appreciate.
When we get into the Uber katie is quiet, I can see the thoughts going through her brain and I know exactly what she's thinking. I grab her hand that's resting on her bouncing knee.
"It's not your fault" I say quietly but sternly so she knows I mean it. She gives me a small smile and rubs the back of my hand with her thumb.
When we get home katie goes into the kitchen and starts getting ingredients out of the fridge. I sit on the stool at the kitchen island and watch her. When the pasta is cooking she comes over and stands In between my legs.
"What's going on baby?" She asks gently as she takes my hands in hers. I decide to tell her honestly because I know I can't keep doing this to myself.
"I've always struggled with eating, I didn't want to tell you before because I didn't want you to worry but when I got injured it was easier to eat less because I didn't need the energy to train. I just felt like I wasn't good enough and I just fell into a cycle. I'm sorry I know it's bad but it's hard to stop thinking that way" her face softens as I tell her this.
"I'm always going to worry about you because I care about you. I want you to be healthy and doing this to yourself isn't healthy. You are more than enough and you always have been. If I need to tell you 200 times a day for the rest of your life until see it I will, because I love you" she says holding my face in her hands. I don't reply I just let a few tears escape from my eyes and Katie pulls me into her and kisses my head. I rest my head in her neck. I love her so much.
"I'm making us your favorite food, and we're going to sit down and eat it together and I'll sit with you for as long as it takes.
From now on I'm going to do it with you and I'll be here for you so it won't feel as hard" she says giving me a final kiss and going over to the pan to stir the pasta sauce.
—-
It wasn't as hard as it normally is for me to finish my pasta, it really helped that Katie was by my side, I'm so grateful for her being here for me always.
After Katie cleared the almost empty plates from the table, we moved to the sofa and chose a film to watch. After we decided on the first Harry Potter I snuggled closer to katie. I think this was just what I needed to start looking after my body. Seeing Katie's face when she looked at me earlier made me realize I'm not just hurting myself anymore and I have people around me who want to see me happy and healthy so I need to do this for them and for myself.
—
Sorry this is so long. I'm not sure if I like the way this turned out but thank you @ stories268 for the idea xx
