I'm currently at Ireland camp and yesterday we played a match against France. We lost 1-0. It was a difficult game for us and what made it worse is that it was an important game that we needed to win to qualify for the euros.
During the game I played a poor pass to Lucy Quinn resulting in it being intercepted and in turn created France's goal. It was all I could think about last night and all of today. It was my fault we lost, if I was better and I passed the ball better it wouldn't have happened. Everyone has told me that the loss doesn't just lay on my shoulders, that it was a team effort but I know they're only saying it to make me feel better and they are thinking the same as me.
The comments on instagram and the tweets I've been getting aren't making me feel any batter about it either. It's making me feel like I don't belong on this team.
Maybe I'm the weak link, and we would've won if I wasn't playing.
As I'm sat at the table with all the girls, eating dinner I can't shake the thoughts that I don't deserve to be here.
I can tell that the girls are still upset over the loss, which is understandable.
Thinking my presence is creating the sorrowful environment, i excuse myself, not feeling hungry anyway.
I stand up, Katie giving me a confused expression from the seat next to me. She has been keeping a close eye on me since last night, repeatedly telling me it wasn't my fault, that the team was playing poorly as a whole, but her words brought me little comfort.
"I'm just going to head up to my room" i tell the table quietly, not wanting everyone's eyes in the room on me.
"You've barley touched your food" Katie tells me in a hushed voice, switching from looking at me to my nearly untouched plate.
"I'm not hungry" i reply giving her a tight lipped smile and exiting the dining hall.
Once I get to my room I sat on the bed and pulled out my phone, preparing for the harsh comments I'll see when I open social media. A part of me knows I shouldn't look, I'm just tormenting myself further by doing so, but I can't help it.
It didn't take long for me to come across comments telling me I shouldn't be playing for Ireland or arsenal and that I let the whole team down yesterday. As I was scrolling through what seemed like thousands of similar comments, I felt my cheeks getting wet, not even realizing I was crying. Everything had just gotten too much. I felt so guilty. I turned my phone off and dropped my head into my hands, giving in to the tears that were now freely falling down my face, thankful that I wasn't sharing a room this camp.
I was brought out of my thoughts by a knock at the door. Knowing I had to answer it, I stood up and took a deep breath, trying to erase the traces of tears that were left on my cheeks, but it did little to hide my red eyes and blotchy skin.
When I reached the door I opened it slowly revealing Katie standing in front of me.
"Hey, I was just wondering if you wanted to come for a walk with me and the gi-"
She started but stopped when she saw my face, her expression softening and a look of concern covering it
"What's wrong?" She asked
I couldn't speak, I didn't trust my voice right now. I knew whatever i said would come out in a shaky mess.
I turned around and started waking back to my bed, letting the door close behind me. What I didn't realize was Katie caught the door before it shut completely. She stepped inside my room closing the door behind her and made her way to where I was sat on the bed.
The tears claiming a place on my cheeks once again.
I hid my head in my hands not wanting Katie to see the state I was in right now. I felt the bed dip next to me indicating she had sat down.
"I'm sorry, it's my fault we lost" I mumbled through my hands
"What was that?" She asked in a soothing voice. I lifted my head and met her eyes
"Im sorry Katie, i let the team down yesterday and i don't deserve a place on this team" i said weakly
Katies face changed from one of concern to one of confusion
"Y/n don't say that, we all played poorly yesterday. You weren't the only one to make a poor pass yesterday but it just so happened that they scored a goal from yours. You deserve to be on this team. You're an incredible player but you just had a bad game and it happened a to everyone. I'm not going to sit here and let you put yourself down like that, okay?. We will get stronger as a team and we will improve" she told me firmly, keeping eye contact to let me know she was being serious.
"Thank you" I let out quietly, grateful for her words.
She brought her hands to my cheeks, using her thumbs to wipe my stained cheeks and pulled me into a needed hug. Eventually we pulled away.
Katie deserved to be the captain for this reason and so many others, she was so good at saying the right thing and encouraging the team to keep pushing no matter what.
"Stop reading the stuff on social media, they don't know what they're talking about okay" she told me, i gave her a thankful smile in return
I felt exhausted, all the crying and worrying had worn me out and all I wanted to do was climb into bed. As if Katie could read my mind she suggested we watched a movie, which I quickly agreed to.
Putting miss congeniality on the tv we both got under the blanket, Katie pulling me closer so my head rested on her shoulder. I let out a sigh that felt like it had been building up since the final whistle blew. I felt better, I knew i needed to play better but we would do it as a team and that eases my mind.
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Sorry for not uploading in a while.
Hope you like this one
Also So upset about Rachel retiring from England :((
