(Tw panic attack)
Today I've just been feeling stressed. Everything is making me anxious, I went to the shop earlier and my palms were so sweaty for seemingly no reason.I've struggled with anxiety for most of my life but I've had it under control over the past few years, but there are days like today where it just gets out of control, like doing normal things makes me feel so anxious.
All I've wanted to do today is crawl into bed next to my girlfriend, just being next to her makes me feel so calm, so when the clock hits 10pm we head upstairs and start getting ready for bed. After 5 minutes me and Katie are snuggled under the covers watching an episode of Brooklyn 99, something we do before bed every night. Not even half way into the episode Katie has fallen asleep, I'm not surprised as she could fall asleep standing up. I turn off the tv and close my eyes, hoping tonight I would fall asleep easily. As soon as my eyes are closed my brain fills with thoughts. I can't even make out most of them as they're replaced with new ones in seconds, i open my eyes and sit up, I'm frustrated that my sleep is now getting affected by this anxiety. I start to feel panic rising in my chest and I know what's coming. I don't want to wake Katie, so I try and muffle my heavy breathing with my hands and let the silent tears flow from my eyes. I've been so anxious today and it's all coming out now and there's no way for me to stop it. My breathing becomes rapid the longer I try and fight this panic attack, i try and do breathing exercises that have helped in the past but nothing is working.
"Hey hey, what's going on?" Katie sits up quickly, noticing the state I'm in.
"I..I.. I can't breathe" I eventually get out after a few failed attempts the words being drowned by my tears and shallow breaths.
"Hey look at me, breathe, I need you to take deep breaths" Katie says placing my hand on her chest so I can feel her inhaling and exhaling
"Copy my breathing, baby" she says exaggerating her breaths so I can copy them. My breathing starts to return to a normal rate but Katie still keeps my hand firmly on her chest and she uses her other hand to tuck a few pieces of hair behind my ear. I take one last deep breath, feeling a bit better.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up, I don't know what happened, I couldn't sleep and I just got overwhelmed I think" I say wiping my cheeks with the sleeve of my jumper.
"Don't apologize for waking me up, I want to help you when you feel like this. You should've told me you were feeling like this before I fell asleep" she says pulling me into her chest and leaning against the headboard.
"I'm sorry " I mumble.
"Hey, stop saying sorry you've done nothing wrong okay" she says rubbing comforting circles onto my back.
"I love you" I say quietly before my eyes start to feel heavy, this whole day has drained me and now that I'm wrapped in Katie's arms I feel calm so sleep comes easy. I hear Katie faintly saying she loves me more causing me to smile as I finally drift off into a well needed sleep.
— thoughts on this xx
