Ayan's dream has always been to be a songwriter and singer, but he was forced to take over as the CEO of his mother's record company when she passed away. Now Ayan's dream had been reduced to singing in a bar a few times a week under the name Ray. A...
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SAND
After dinner, Aye was immediately trying to wash the dishes even though I tried to stop him. In the middle of it, his phone rang and I saw that it was Thua. Knowing Aye could use someone to talk to other than myself, whom of course he'll not be able to open up totally because how do you tell your current boyfriend your lingering feelings for your ex?
I told him to answer it, pushing him off and taking over the washing. After finishing I noticed that Aye had not come back down so I went upstairs to check. The cool night breeze was blowing the curtains on the open balcony door where I could hear Aye sobbing. He must have unintentionally pressed the loudspeaker in his state because I heard the parts when Akk is explaining how Aye's mother begged him to leave him. Aye cut the call when Akk started hysterically shouting that Aye is his and I heard the thud of the phone falling.
I could hear the pain of regret in Ayan's sobs, the feeling of betrayal towards his Mom who died never telling him the truth about what she did and confused feelings towards his ex who apparently only wanted to give the woman who gave birth to the love of his life what she had begged for. From the start, when Aye had laid eyes on me and the way he tried his best to avoid me I knew he had some conflicted and unresolved issue towards this ex boyfriend who really does look like my twin. Funny that first, there's Khan and Boston, now there's also Akk and I. Sadly, unlike Ton and Khan, Akk and I can't step towards a brotherly relationship. Not when we both love the same man and we both can't imagine our lives without Ayan.
But fighting for Ayan is different from knowing that Aye needs to know his own feelings first. I'm not going to bulldoze him into choosing me, because in the long run even if he does and he eventually realizes it was Akk after all- I would still lose. I can only fight for Ayan if I know he wants me to. So no matter how painful this is, I only have one choice here. Let Ayan have the time and space to think things through. After all, there's no cheaters here like the situation with Boe. There's only three people who love and unintentionally step into a tangled web of the past and present. In order for us to get out of this mess, we have to let the one person who can untangle it do it himself. Aye had to step into his past and untangle himself from the unfinished relationship with Akk before he could come freely to me. It's a gamble that I have a greater chance of losing. After all, Akk has been in his heart for more than a decade, while I hadn't even been with him for a year. Still I hope in the short time I've been with Aye, I made him feel my sincerity. I can't really blame him though if he chooses Akk, he seems like a good guy.
Taking a deep breath, I opened the curtain and found Aye on the floor of the balcony. I sat beside him and took out my cigarette. Knowing full well the words that needed to be said but that doesn't make it less painful. It took me three sticks before I had the courage to ask Aye what he truly wants. Knowing what he will ask will devastate me. I had to prod him before he finally admitted he needed as I thought--time and space. Ayan's tears are breaking my heart more than my own pain does, so I have no choice but to give him what he needs. Gently kissing his head, I went to get the things I needed and made them fit in my backpack. Placing the extra helmet in the closet, only taking my own and my leather jacket. My feet could barely move as I longingly gazed at Aye for a few more minutes, wanting to memorize his beautiful face, unsure when I will have the chance to be intimate with him again. I know I'll see him in the company, in YOLO but that's different. What I want is to see him before I close my eyes and to see him first when I wake up.
