The Last Hours

22: James

I stormed out the doors of the Institute. It was about two in the morning, but I didn't care. All I knew, was that I needed to get away. Away from the Institute and everything and everyone in it. I walked briskly down the steps, ignoring Auntie Jessamine's attempts to ask me where I was going, and if I was okay.

I wasn't sure where I was headed, but I didn't care. Anywhere was better than the Institute. When I had heard that Cordelia was getting married to Harry, I almost had a heart attack. Here I had been sure that she had feelings for me again, after I had given her that bracelet, but I guess I had been mistaken.

Of course, I ended up at Blackfriars Bridge. The place that always reminded of me Cordelia. The bridge was deserted, and I was the only one on it. How could Cordelia be marrying Harry? It didn't make sense in my mind. Didn't she still have even the least bit of feelings for me? Was it true what she had said to me in the library that day? That she would never fancy me again?

I had been so certain that Cordelia would break up with Harry. Even Matthew had said that their relationship wouldn't last. I closed my eyes, sadly. I kept seeing my father's disappointed face when he looked at me, after Cordelia had told us. I knew that he felt very bad for me, and I knew that my mother did as well.

I had missed my chance. If only I told her a year ago that I loved her. I had loved her back then, but I had never realized it, and now I was too late. I wanted to hit something, break something, I was so angry at myself. I had been too caught up on Grace, to notice Cordelia.

Why did this always happen to me? How come every time I loved a girl, I couldn't have her? Every time I loved someone, it only brought pain and heartbreak. Maybe I was cursed, like my father. But my father had never been cursed, he had only believed he was. Maybe that was what was wrong with me.

Still, I couldn't ignore the the gaping hole in my heart. You can make it go away a voice said in my mind. Just jump. I looked down, at the Thames. The river was rushing quickly, underneath the bridge.

I could do it, I thought, I could end this all. All the pain and heartbreak. Forever. I felt myself moving to stand on the ledge of the bridge. I got my balance, and just stood there for a moment. They say right before you die your life flashes before your eyes, and now I realized that, that was true.

First, I saw Lucie and I running through Hyde park when we were younger, trying to chase the pigeons. I saw Matthew and I at our Parabatai ceremony, Uncle Jem leading it. I saw my mother and father, smiling down at me on my thirteenth birthday. I saw Matthew, Christopher, Thomas, and I at the Shadowhunter Academy. I saw myself laughing with Aunt Cecily, and throwing knives with Uncle Gabriel. Lastly, I saw Cordelia and I kissing on the balcony at the ball.

I clenched my eyes shut. I love you Cordelia I thought. I felt my feet sliding off the ledge, the sound of Thames all around me. I'm really going to do this, I thought--

"Jamie?" A very familiar voice said.

My eyes snapped open, and I turned my head. There stood Aunt Cecily, looking very worried. She was wearing a blue dress, and her black hair was falling down her shoulders.

"What are you doing out here?" She asked.

I looked away from her, I was still standing on the ledge of the bridge. Aunt Cecily then seemed to realize what I was just about to do, because she went went a sickly pale colour, and she put her hand on chest.

"Jamie." She gasped. "Please don't tell me you were going to....."

I sighed, and jumped down from the ledge. Aunt Cecily was at my side at once.

"You cannot tell my parents." I pleaded.

She looked at me very worriedly, but nodded. "I won't."

"What are you doing out here?" I asked.

"Christopher has a cold. I had to come get him some medicine." Aunt Cecily explained, hastily. "James, why were you going to jump?"

I looked away, and sighed.

"Jamie, you can tell me." She said softly, while taking my hand.

"I used to be in love with Grace Blackthorn, and she turned me down. I am now in love with Cordelia, and she is going to get married to Harry. It seems like every time I love someone, it ends in pain and heartbreak. I wanted to end it all." I finally said.

"Cordelia is marrying Harry?" Aunt Cecily asked, surprised.

"Yes. She used to love me, Aunt Cecily, and I missed my chance. I will never find love again." I said, painfully.

Aunt Cecily was silent for a moment.

"You know, there was time where your father was convinced that he would never find love either." She started. "He was so sure that he would die alone, with no one who cared about him. But now look at him, he has you, Lucie, and your mother. You cannot give up Jamie, you will find love again."

"That may be true." I said. "But that love won't be Cordelia."

Aunt Cecily paused. "That is true, but I promise you James, you will find love again. It may not be Cordelia, but once you find the person you will wonder what you did without them."

"It that what it was like for you and Uncle Gabriel?" I asked.

"I think that is what it is like for everyone who is in love. Wouldn't you say?" Aunt Cecily said.

I sighed. "I guess so."

Aunt Cecily rubbed my back soothingly. "Do not worry, James. I swear that one day you will find love again. I promise."

"Thank you, Aunt Cecily." I said.

Aunt Cecily had always been my favourite aunt, for reasons like this. She always knew the right thing to say, and she always made you feel better.

"Your welcome. I love you James." She said while hugging me

I smiled. "I love you too, Aunt Cecily."