The Last Hours

32: Matthew

I walked London's streets, alone. But, I had been alone quite a lot these past few days. I would not let anyone come near me, not even James. No one would want to be around me once they knew. Know what? Well, I didn't want to think about it. But sadly, it was all that I could think about.

Disgraceful. Shameful. Unnatural. The words rung in my head, each like a stab of a knife. What would my parents think? Charles? James? I didn't want to imagine it. They would think that there was something wrong with me, that I was a disgrace to my family, and the Clave.

I remembered when I had first realized it, when I had been fourteen. I had fiercely denied it then, not wanting to believe it. I had not felt it for a few years, and now here it was again. I had been sitting in the Council room, when I had realized it again. I realized that time, that it was true.

I had to break up Amelia, because of it. Her tear stained face haunted me over these past few nights, when I had found it impossible to sleep.

*************FLASHBACK ***********
"Your breaking up with me?" Amelia said, with a tear running down her cheek.

I looked away from her. "Yes." I barely got out.

"Why?" She asked, devastated.

"I cannot be with you anymore." I said, I felt tears in my eyes.

"What is it that I have done?" Amelia pressed, crying.

"It's not you, it's-it's me." I stuttered.

"Why is it you?" She asked.

I then took a deep breath. By the angel, how was I going to say this?

********END OF FLASHBACK********

Then I told her. How I had managed to, I had no clue, but all I knew was that I had to. I had to give her an explanation, I owed her that much. I remembered Amelia's face paling immensely, after I had told her. She then, had done the thing I had least expected.

Instead of moving away from me, instead of walking away, she leaned over and hugged me. I had been so shocked, that I couldn't even hug her back. I had expected her to tell me that I was a disgrace and walk away, but she had hugged me.

Amelia had comforted me, saying that it was okay and that she understood. I had known that she was still hurting, and I apologized profusely. When we had finally parted, I had promised her that we would always be friends and she agreed right away.

But, I knew that everyone would not react the way Amelia had. If only this had not happened, I thought. But this was something I couldn't control. Nobody could control it.

"Matthew." A voice said from behind.

Startled, I whirled around to see James and Lucie standing behind me. They both wore worried expressions on their faces, and in that moment they looked terribly like their parents. Lucie, like Aunt Tessa, and James, like Uncle Will.

"Matthew, are you alright?" Lucie asked.

She then moved closer to me, and I instantly moved back. She then wore a very hurt expression, but I knew that if she knew, she would have been glad that I had stepped away from her.

"I'm fine." I lied.

"Don't lie, Matthew." James said.

I looked up at him. I tried to mask the pain in my eyes, but I knew that it was written clearly.

"I will leave you two to speak." Lucie said.

She then turned around, and disappeared into the crowd. James and I were left alone, but I could barely look him in the eye.

"Let's go to Blackfriars Bridge." James said.

We walked all the way to the bridge, in silence. I was carefully not to brush my shoulder with James's or anything. I could not bring myself to touch anyone. We leaked against the ledge of the bridge.

"Matthew, please tell me what is wrong. It pains me to see you like this." James said, worry flooded his voice.

"I cannot tell you." I said hoarsely.

"Why not?" James asked, gently.

"You will think I am a disgrace. That I bring shame to the Clave and my family." I admitted painfully.

"Matthew," He said firmly. "I would never think that. No matter what you tell me, I would never think that."

I turned my head, looking away from him. The words were there, but I couldn't say them.

"Matthew, please." James pleaded.

"I-I-I think I fancy men." I blurted out.

James eyes went wide, and he went very pale.

"How do you know?" He asked, after a long pause.

"Do you remember Adam Highsmith?" I said shakily.

"The one with the red hair?" James asked.

"Yes. Well, I think I had fancied him when I was fourteen, but I had brushed it off not wanting to believe. Then, at the Council meeting, I saw him again and I felt myself fancying him again. And-and this time, I think it is for real." I said nervously.

James was silent, his eyes were studying my face. This was what I had expected. He would probably tell me that I was disgrace.

"It is shameful, I know, you do not have to say it." I said, tears starting to form in my eyes.

James then put a hand on my arm. "I was not going to say that."

My head snapped toward him. He was looking at me with his golden eyes. They were full of comfort.

"What?" I said.

"I was not going to say that, Matthew. You are not a disgrace, and you are not shameful. You are still the same person, that I chose to be my Parabatai. You are not a monster, and you are not some unnatural being. You are who you have always been, Matthew Fairchild." James said.

"You may think so, but everyone else won't." I said, sadly.

"The people who matter, and the ones who love you will think so, as well. Your parents and everyone else aren't going to stop loving you because of this, Matthew. They will accept that this is apart of who you are, and it will just be another reason for them to love you. They will understand, I am sure of it." He said confidently.

"Thank you, James." I said.

He smiled. "What else are Parabatai for?"

He then hugged me and I hugged him back, feeling better than I had in days.