The Journey To Happiness

Chapter 25

One week after Harper's burnout

HARPERS POV:

It's been a week since my burnout, I was slowly feeling more like myself, getting better at eating, showing, sleeping, talking. I'm slowly getting better at unmasking around my family, whenever I do mask Mom reminds to try and not to mask around her as she is trusted. I know she won't judge me, but it's became a routine I don't even know I'm doing it sometimes.

I've been more open to Mom about my urges, the feeling becoming more present after my burnout. I'm sitting on my floor contemplating whether I cut, I need the control. I remember how good it felt for the control, but I needed something more something that I could control, but made my need for perfection pleased. I remembered the feeling of when I wasn't eating, how it felt good, how it was a routine, it felt natural.

I looked at myself in the mirror, noticing each and every flaw. These flaws needed to be changed, I needed to change, I needed to be perfect. This body, it wasn't perfect, I didn't feel perfect at all. I want those perfect bodies all those models have then I'll be satisfied and I can control that to be perfect.
From this point on I am making a change.
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"Breakfast" I heard Mom shout, I don't feel like eating, it's won't be perfect if I eat. I will eat later when it's the right time, it's just not know, not if I want to make a change, or to be perfect.

"Harper are you coming?" Mom said now standing at my door. "Yeah just a second" I said finishing up my drawing.

I headed downstairs to see breakfast all set up, pancakes. The kids were practically demolishing them, I didn't want to ruin that they should be allowed to have the pancakes, not me. I don't deserve them, I'm not perfect enough yet.
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I sat at the table scrolling through my phone, "Are you not having any pancakes" Mom said looking at the empty space in front of me. "Oh erm I don't like pancakes" I said trying to think of an answer. "What? You love my pancakes though" Mom said shocked. "Loved, the texture just feels odd now" I said which was untrue the fluffy light texture of my Mom's pancakes made me feel all warm and it soothed me.

"Okay well I can make you something else, I have work soon so I trust you to make it to school on time" Mom said heading into the kitchen. Shit! School I completely forgot, I have had so much time off that it made things feel worse.

"It's fine I can make myself something before school, I'll see you after" I said.
Mom gave me a kiss on the forehead, "I'm proud of you Harps" Mom said as she grabbed her bag and headed out to the front door.
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Not eating breakfast, I grabbed my backpack and headed out the house. Meredith had already dropped the kids off before I had left, I was allowed to come into school a bit later.

I decided I would walk instead of getting a bus or a lift. Walking seemed like a better method, it would make me more perfect you know?

As I got closer to the school I felt a complete rush of anxiety. I'm not doing this I'm not! I can't go to school, I just can't. I checked my purse, I had $30 enough to buy some crap from target. I also had a few gift cards from Christmas that were still in my jacket pocket, they were for shops like Hollister, Starbucks and Brandy Melville.

I headed on a bus to the mall, I was skipping school to go shopping this felt fucking amazing.
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The mall was crowded, but I shrugged it off it wasn't too bad. I headed into Brandy the store was filled with adorable pieces. I placed a couple of items in my cart, some striped tops and matching underwear.