𝕓𝕠𝕤𝕤 - 𝓂𝒶𝓉𝓉 𝓈𝓉𝓊𝓇𝓃𝒾𝑜𝓁𝑜

𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧. - 𝒶𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈 𝒷𝑒 𝑒𝓃𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽

★🗯️🌪️🌙🎬☁️★

𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧'𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐯.
i don't have time for this. first i get a phone call last night that my father passed, and then my mom left seven voicemails reaming me out and blaming me for everything.

"...it's all your fucking fault that your dad and i divorced, maybe if you didn't have such a big fucking mouth we would've been able to spend the last few years all together as a family. you're the reason he drank nonstop and you're the reason he got liver cancer. he died all because of you emerson. you're a bitch and you ruined everything. you're a terrible person..."

her voicemail goes on for two whole minutes. then there was another one rambling on about the same shit. saddest part is, is that it's all so untrue. 

for starters, it's HER fault my dad and her divorced, she cheated on him, he deserved to know so of course i told him. 'together as a family' is the biggest bullshit lie i've ever heard. we were never a family. i was raised by my grandparents and the last time i saw my parents actually getting along was on a disney world trip when i was six. dad drank all the time because he hated his life, i would drink until i got liver cancer too if i was married to someone like my mom.

although i know it's all untrue, i can't stop it from getting to my head. dad's drinking got worse when him and my mom divorced, and if i hadn't told him what was going on with mom and john, he wouldn't have been drinking heavily enough to kill him.

all i feel is guilt. i curled into my bed last night and cried for four hours. i have no idea what i'll do now that i have no one to tell my stories to. with dead grandparents, a shit mom, her mean new boyfriend, and now dad's dead too, i officially have no one to turn to.

i'm in quicksand all alone and no one can help me. i woke up this morning feeling like shit and wanting to miss work, but i really didn't want to explain to my boss the breaking news. not yet.

as i got into work, he was in my elevator. i tried to be nice but he seems pissed and stressed. perfect timing. on my lunch break the front office lady happened to be in the breakroom at the same time as me. i talk to her during lunch at least three times per week, and she's a really sweet lady. she's five years older than me, which makes her really knowledgeable and wise. she's like an older sister to me. just not like emily, my real sister.

i told maria all about everything with my dad, and while i was running from matt through the office, i turned to see that he stopped to talk to her. it seemed like she was explaining to him how he needs to go easy on me. i love maria.

i left work early with no permission, at this point i didn't give a shit if i was fired. i got home and started dinner as i searched local therapists on my work laptop that i have set up in the kitchen next to my dinner mess i'm making.

all the therapists i found are way too overpriced for my budget, but i feel like this could be really beneficial for me. i'm sad all the time. i'm lonely and bored with life. i dislike my job and i have no friends. it's hard to not think i'm the problem.

when my phone starts buzzing, i look over to see who it is. matt. ugh. i don't want to talk to him. i don't want it to come up and i don't want to explain it. i don't think i would be able to without breaking down.

this whole day has been hard, and to top it all off, it's downpouring outside. i can't go get the groceries i need with it raining this hard. it feels like everything is working against me, and it's so draining.

i'm tired, and not just physically, mentally. i let matt's call go to voicemail. i feel like i can't escape no matter how much i want to. i wish i could just have a reset button on life, i would slam that button so hard just to have everything reset to the beginning. i always wonder how different my childhood would've been if my mom wasn't bipolar and if my parents got along. i probably wouldn't be a depressed hot mess in the kitchen of my apartment, making dinner alone because i don't have friends or even a boyfriend to keep me company. i probably would've finished college by now and been a lawyer or something big. if i didn't have to study so hard for a scholarship in high school then i would've made friends and maybe if i was taught how people should treat me i wouldn't have let my mom talk to me like that for all those years. or my ex.