A Hybrid's Hunger

Chapter 36

Chapter 36

I sip on the juice and the citrus burns my throat but I continue either way. It still looks like it's the middle of the night as there's no sun today. The skies are dark, painted with layers of gloomy cloud.

Estella talks in hushed tones, telling me about what happened the night before. She talks about a fight, about some sort of conflict that arrived into Zade's territory, about the injuries he had gotten earlier.

Her words filter through my mind like an echo. I can't make sense of it all. I just keep thinking about the argument, about Zade. His clear ignorance of my emotions, my pleads for understanding. It means nothing to him and he made sure of that last night.

An emptiness crawls over me and I'm scared it's going to consume me. The kitchen fades into the background and the tang of my juice becomes a dull taste in my mouth. It turns bitter.

His words replay in my mind. 'I've offered you safety, a home, protection...' But he missed out on one thing. He forgot to offer me his heart, his trust. And it's the one thing everyone needs the most.

What I need as his mate.

The worst part is, I don't know if it's ever going to change. If he's ever going to let me in. The thought terrifies me. It's all too much. I don't know if I can bare it anymore.

I need something. Anything that tells me he isn't a heartless monster I'm assuming him to be. I need to know he has emotions, that maybe one day he can change.

I blow out a breath and stand up from my seat.

"You're not done, dear." Estella says, bringing me to reality.

"I'm done," I glance at the plate filled with food and step back. "I'm going to my room."

When I leave the kitchen, I don't go straight to my room. Instead, I head upstairs and then into the hallways that stretch far into the house. My feet take me down the rooms I've never explored, doors I've never opened. I try to find the way to the part of the house where Zade's room is, it's all messed up in my head.

It takes me a few minutes more before I find the large door I had been standing in front of yesterday. I reach for the handle and this time, to my luck, the door opens.

I know Zade isn't in the house. I watched him leave earlier. He had disappeared into the woods behind before I came down to eat.

I open the door a bit more before sliding inside and closing it. I don't want Estella to know I've been here, I don't want anyone to know.

It's not dark here. There's light pouring in from outside, from the wide opening of the house. I stand at the edge of curved black stairs. From here, I take in the beauty of this hidden sanctuary. Behind me, there are several doors and I don't know where they lead to, but I'm about to find out.

I turn around and reach for the first door. The frame is painted pitch black and the door handle golden. It is cold to touch but unlocked.

There's something within here, in this part of the house. Estella prohibits me to go here every single time and it has been always locked, except this once.

With a deep breath, I gently push the door open and walk in. The room is large, almost intimating. The flooring is dark wood and heavy gold-trimmed curtains hang over the large windows on one side. It's a bedroom and the scent lingering in the air belongs to Zade.

It's his bedroom.

I walk further in and brush my hand over the sheets, soft silk sheets that are pressed onto the mattress. Everything seems untouched in the bedroom. It's not cluttered or messy, it's almost as if no one lives here. Almost.

My eyes linger around the room, trying to catch onto anything but I don't find anything except for solace. There's warmth in here, in every inch of here. And yet, I can't help wonder why Zade has kept this place so hidden from me. There's stillness here, a feeling of calmness that wraps around me instantly.

I walk around before stopping near the night table beside the dark, wooden bed. My gaze falls over the slightly opened drawer and the piles of parchment within them.

My heart hammers in my chest as I pull the drawer out further. My fingertips lightly graze over the papers, letters. They are old letters. Probably years old.

As much as I don't want to invade his privacy, I feel like I have to. There's no one here telling me anything about him except for the obvious. Even Estella won't dare to utter a single word against him. I understand her loyalty to him, I don't want to budge her anymore.

And Zade, his silence, is killing me.

I know he's scared of something, something in regards to his mother. I had overheard that earlier when I was eavesdropping him talking to Estella about his bloodlust. There's something about that too.

I catch on the hints but I can't figure out what it is.

Without a second thought, I slide one of the papers out and read them. At first, I quickly go through the words and then stop when I realize what they are.

Handwritten letters written to someone, but not send in.

My mother's going. She's tired of me, I suppose. She prefers resting with my father than being here. I don't want to stop her. She has done whatever she was meant to do, she made sure I would be away from you and that I wouldn't come near you ever again. She made sure of that. So, I think she's done her part, completed her task.

I promised her I wouldn't reach out to you, not while she's resting.

It tears me to see her go. She's the only one here for me, except for Estella. But I think my mother needs some time away from me. I've been terrible, terrible at everything. I can see she's tired. Who wouldn't be?

I often wonder if you remember me. I've seen you in my dreams over the past three night. I see us, in the sunsets, in the rain, in the tower, in the garden. Everywhere. You're everywhere and nowhere at the same time. It's torture and relief, all at once.

I've tried to move on, tried to forget you. But I can't. I'll never be able to. You're my suffering and I relish in it everyday.

I'm losing my sanity, little by little, everyday. But that's okay. It's okay as long as you're safe, as long as you're happy without me. You've a life away from here, away from me and I think someday I'll make peace with that.

That I'm never going to have you again.

My brows furrow as I finish reading the letter. I read it twice just to be sure of what I've read. Something full of raw emotions, all of them real.

A breath leaves my throat and I sit down on the bed.

Lost love.

The thought of it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I clench my fists as jealousy courses through my veins. I'd always known he had a past, a history but not love. Not feelings. It stings me to think about it.

I place the letter back and see several others, many of them. All of them letters written to this—woman.

My jaw tightens. I feel betrayed. He had been so cruel to me when he had found out I was getting married to the alpha of my pack, he made me feel guilty about it but all this while, he had his own past love.

Hypocrisy, plain and simple.  

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