"Dilemma Of Faith"

Chapter-14

"HIS POV"

After spending the restless, painful night once again, I'm devastated by my own fate, my life.

I enter my study room, I genuinely made it for shedding tears. But who knows that I don't cry anymore.

But cried seeing Mr. Yaqoob?!

My eyes are fluffy red because I couldn't sleep the whole night. I see my piano, the papers laying around it, each with a terrible story of mine. I don't dare to read them again.

I sit at the table, open the drawer and take out cigarette pack, lighting one and then smoking it. With that I grab my pen and another paper from there. I don't know why my mind was as blank as this paper but instead of writing anything, I burn the paper with the burning end of my cigarette. Then watching it burning until the flame reaches my hand. This is self torture and I'm used to it.

Throw the paper away, sigh then I open the drawer where my eyes fall on my old diary. Without thinking, took it out, Swiping the pages because I don't have audacity to read it once again. But stop at a random page where my eyes fall at the date.

" December 23, 2012."

Hard to believe ten years have passed. I started to run my gaze where I once wrote,

"A whole year passed when dad died. Mom came to visit me in school but I refused to see her. I hate her. But Grandma told me that God loves who forgives others. And I asked, 'where's God? Can't he see what my parents did to me, when he snatched everything from me, then why do I care, who he loves or not' . She didn't reply. But then She took me to the church the other day, and the priest scolded me and told grandma not to take me with her. He said I'm cursed. Just because I asked a question... "

I lift my head up thinking what was the question I asked at that time. He said I was cursed and even after a long time I still couldn't find the peace I craved for. Yes beside it, I got everything I wanted. My eyes blinked automatically when I remember what I asked.

Saying it aloud, "Mmm.. When he told me that God has a son, Jesus? Then I asked if God had a son then why was he a human, why couldn't he be more than just a normal human, why he died as we all die? "

I sigh, because it's been a long time, since I had stopped searching about any religion. The priest scolded me for asking such a question but I was really a kid to be called a curse. A kid like Rumi.
Oh Rumi's words echo in my brain all of a sudden, "Baba says that one should stay away from everything that creates a distance between you and Allah."

I chuckle and say in air, "your religion forbids everything I am living because of, music? I'm a singer.. Alcohol? I can't live without.. Not even girls? I have a huge fan following, they all love me.. I don't know how you guys survive or you just...change".

Fatima.. Her made me believe that this religion is really strict, that's why she has to hide her identity in public. Or in some occasions? Her covered thing disappears in events? I smile, a smile that hides pain. Because of the whole night thinking I came to this position where I can say,
" thanks Fatima! For warning me again in such a less time that women always cheat, either their husbands or their families. They just run behind popularity, beauty or money. You are no different from others. I was always wrong, even in mom's case and now in yours. And thanks for breaking my trust once again. "

Without realizing I was just Staring the ashes of burnt paper on the floor.

......

"AUTHOR'S POV"