Theo And Reed's Lesson Plans

Chapter Fifteen

Theo had spent a few more minutes talking to the First Daughter. Then after she left his classroom with her secret service protection he collected his own belongings and took off for home in his black corvette. He believed what she said but he hoped she did call Juan. He didn't think she was any more involved with what had happened. Her own particular form of rebelling was dyeing her hair different colors , getting all sorts of face piercings , breaking the dress code at school but down deep MJ was a good kid that didn't mean any harm to anyone. Truthfully he wouldn't mind if Baylee turned out the same as a teen. Well maybe with less piercings and no hair dye. And Preston he felt sorry for. Maybe because the boy reminded him of the old high school Theodore in Texas. It wasn't his business though. That was why he told her to turn to Juan instead. Like Rhodes was always telling him they were the cops. Not him. He couldn't even handle being alive. He couldn't help anyone. 

He couldn't save anyone.

As he pulled into his own driveway and parked he was lost in his thoughts and didn't notice the long skinny arm that reached through his open window. The hand that grabbed his own arm. Until it happened. 

Theo's heart thudded wildly. He swung his head around to look with confused fear at........

Matt St. Austin. 

Matt looked worried. And pissed at the same time. his bright green eyes , vividly made up as usual , were focused on Theo's pallid strained face with its creases at the eyes and lips. He asked sharply , " Why the hell are you avoiding me , Lucy ? Did I do something wrong ? "

Theo exhaled and tried to pull away from his best friend's grip. It was firm but not hurtful. 

" Stop pulling away , Theodore ! I love you damn it ! I want to help you ! I want to help you through this shit.  We all do ! And you won't let us love or help you. Because you're " fine ". Well fuck it all you're not fine. You're not fine. And that's ok. It's ok not to be fine. But you're alive. You're still here with us. You survived for whatever reason. We didn't go to your funeral. You're alive. That's ok. That's ok. "

Theo looked at Matt's face. He could have sworn the younger forty something man was crying now. He couldn't remember ever seeing Matt cry. Cuss yes. Laugh definitely. Smile. But not cry. He was definitely crying right now. Theo didn't like that. He struggled to clumsily get out of the car , still in Matt's grip , and looked up at him. " I am alive , " Theo murmured. 

" Yeah. You're alive. Thank the fucking lord. "

" I'm not fine , Matthew. I'm not ok. "

" No. You're not. "

" I may never be ok again. I may never understand again.  Why it all happened. Why I survived and they didn't. "

" Maybe. But that's ok too. I've been talking to my therapist about you lately. She said you probably have something called survivor's guilt.  But it's good you're alive. For Reed and your kids. For your scary sister. For your incredible mother. For your controlling brother. For all your friends. For..... for me. I don't have much in my life as far as family , Theodore. Ok ? There's Saint and my children. Reed and you and your kids. Winnie in small doses. You. You are like my brother. I was getting afraid I had done something to offend you and that's why you were avoiding me. Reed said you were pushing everyone away though even him in some ways. Don't push us away , idiot. We love you. I love you. We need you. I need you. And you need us. "

Theo closed his eyes as the words washed over him and he instinctively leaned forward. He would have fallen over except that Matt was there. Matt was there. His best friend kept him up and held him. As Matt steadied him Theo threw his arms around the man and began to sob uncontrollably. " Why , " he moaned , " why , why am I still alive ? My kids are gone. Why me ? Why was I the lucky one ? I locked the damn door. I didn't protect them. I don't deserve to be still here. "

Matt held him close as he cried. He stroked Theo's hair. " I don't know , my friend. It's how life works. Why did we get cancer ? Why did Reed have a stroke ? Why ..... does Saint , the strongest man I know , the best man I know , my hero , have MS ? It's just life. But since it worked out in your favor you have to make the gift of life you were given worth it. Live for the kids you lost. Honor them in everything you do for the rest of your life. " 

They stood like that for a few more minutes , locked in a tight comforting embrace that was probably giving the neighbors a thrill. Then they pulled away. Theo strangely felt a little better. His MeeMaw was right. 

( " Sometimes tears is the only medicine that matter , baby boy. That and a good old hug. " )

He didn't feel exactly like his old self but...... " Since you're here , Ethel , come in for a tea and some of that bread of yours. Thanks to you our kitchen is looking like a Wonder Bread factory in there. I need to pick your brain. "

Matt grimaced. " You'd think you would still be off tea since your last cup literally put you in a damn coma. "

Theo rolled his eyes. " I like tea. Sue me. Shoot me. " He stopped speaking suddenly and then laughed. " You like make up and man bags. Just shut up and get in the house. "

" It's not a man bag ! It's a tote bag. "

As they went into his house still arguing playfully about tea and man bags Theo was starting to feel even more better. He hoped it lasted.