Castles crumbling (Taylor Swift's little sister)

Chapter 12

Trigger warning: this chapter will directly mention food quantities and exercise, as well as anorexia symptoms. However, once again, I'd like to say that the way I'm portraying Elizabeth's eating disorder is a very specific and particular way of going through one. There's no just one way of struggling with an eating disorder, every single symptom -whichever it is- (even if it's not physical), every single thought is valid and makes an eating disorder real.

- "Are you okay? You look pale" Dr. Sach said concerned.

- "Yeah. I just got a bit dizzy, I need to sit down" you answered holding to the wall next to you.

She helped you sit down and offered you some water, which you gratefully accepted. After about 5 minutes you felt better so you said - "Okay. I'm ready. Let's do this" you just wanted to get over with it.

- "Well, first of all I'd like to know what you've eaten today. I'm guessing the dizziness has to do with that?"

Fuck. Why? Why did your body had to do this just right now?

- "I eat, if I didn't eat I would be dead and I'm very much alive. I just like eating healthy stuff" you realized you sounded harsh saying that. So you quickly added: - "I think I'm just a bit nervous. I've never been to a nutritionist before."

- "It's probably related too. But I'd still like to know about your food intake today. Tell me about breakfast" she insisted.

- "I had some strawberries..." you answered

- "Okay, did you have morning snack?" she continued without making any expression about your breakfast.

- "No".

- "What about lunch?"

- "I had some vegetable soup at school."

- "I'm guessing you haven't eaten afternoon snack yet."

You nodded. She wrote everything down.

- "Do you feel scared of some foods?"

Damn this woman went straight to the point.
She noticed you flinched.

- "It's okay. I won't judge" she said trying to reassure you.

- "I do" you said looking away.

- "Alright, I'll ask you to write down a list of foods you would eat without feeling scared. Foods you feel safe eating. I'll give you ten minutes to do it" she said handing you a piece of paper and a pen.

At first it was easy to complete the task: fruits, vegetables, unsweetened Greek yogurt, etc....but then, as the minutes went by, you couldn't think of any other foods to include in the list. You were awestruck. The list consisted of no more than 15 items. Were you really scared of eating? Was this so serious? When did this got to this point? Why didn't you notice? When time was up you handed the list to Dr. Sach feeling embarrassed.

- "Thank you, Elizabeth. Now, please tell me about a normal day in your life. What time do you usually wake up, what time do you get up to school, what's your favorite class or subject, what do you eat at school? Do they offer you food or you bring it from home?"

- "Wow. That's a great number of questions."

- "I know, I'm sorry, but I really want to get to know you."

- "Okay. So, I usually get up at 5:30am, I shower and get dressed. Then I have breakfast, I usually have some unsweetened yogurt with fruit. Then I walk to the bus station and go to school. Classes start at 7am. My favorite subject is History or English.  I don't bring my food to school; I just pick something  healthy out of what they offer. Recess is at 10 and lunch at 1, for morning snack I usually have fruit, sometimes it's papaya, cantaloupe, watermelon, apple, pear, depends on what the school offers. Mm...for lunch I have salad and chicken, or meat, sometimes fish, again, it depends on what they offer. I try to pick the healthier option" you answered.

- "Tell me about your hobbies, do you practice any sports or exercise? What do you do when you get home from school? At what hour do you go to sleep?" She asked.

- "Mm. As hobbies...on Wednesdays I have theater class. I don't practice any sports, but I do exercise. I work out after school, I like running, going to the gym, normally I run on the treadmill or on the elliptical. I also do some strength training, but mostly cardio. After working out I usually do my homework and study if I have any upcoming tests. I go to sleep at 10:30 or 11pm". You answered.

- "How much time do you work out? What about afternoon snack and dinner?" She asked.

- "I work out for about 1 hour and a half daily. And I usually have an apple as afternoon snack and for dinner whatever my mom makes" you answered.

- "Whatever it is? It appears to me you usually avoid having carbs. Do you eat carbs at dinner?" she said with a straight look.

- "Well... it depends on what it is. I won't have anything that's fried, for example. But normally at dinner I eat carbs" you said.

- "Alright. And what happens if you eat something that does not fit in what you told me. What happens if you eat something fried?"

- "I won't" you said picking at your nails.

- "What do you think that will happen to yourself if you eat a fried food? What do you feel when you look at something that's fried? Do you want to eat it?"

- "I just don't like fried food" you snapped.

- "Fried stuff is not included in the list. Are you scared of fried food?"

Ugh. You fell in her into her trap.

- "Yeah. I am" you answered looking away so she could not see the tears building in your eyes.

- "Hey. It's okay. I'm not judging, I just want to understand, what goes inside your mind when you think of eating something that scares you?"

- "I feel that I'm going to get even more fat. I just feel disgusting and guilty after eating something that's not included in the list. I hate feeling that way, so I'd rather not eat those things".

- "Okay. Thank you for telling me. But you're actually at the bottom edge of being underweight. You are not fat. We're about to finish. When was the last time you had your period?"

Fuck. Your period. You were so busy trying to make it through another day without eating "unhealthy" stuff that you forgot about that.

- "I'm... I'm not sure" you said ashamed.

- "Try to think about it" Dr. Sach insisted.

You remembered. It was on Thanksgiving Day. The day Taylor took that picture of you and Blake.

- "It was in Thanksgiving. About 6 months ago. Is it bad?"

Suddenly Dr. Sach's tone changed. She didn't seem so harsh anymore. She looked right into your eyes but not trying to scare you, just trying to calm you but kept the straightforwardness:

- "It is. That's your body telling you that you're not giving it enough fuel. It's trying to tell you that something's wrong" she said.

Tears fell down your cheeks. You sniffled and quickly wiped the tears away. She gave you a minute and then went out to call your mom. Your mom came in and sat beside you and tried reaching for your hand, but you pulled it away.

- "So, everything suggests that Elizabeth's body is not properly working due to the lack of food. Her chart says that Dr. Maine ordered some blood tests, but I'd personally would like you to have an ECG and a bone density scan, just to be sure about what we're dealing with" the doctor said trying not to give her concern away.

Andrea's face was filled with fear, but agreed and thanked the doctor. You thanked her and said goodbye without looking at her and went running into the car. You didn't speak on the way home and as soon as you got home you said you were tired and wanted to sleep. Your mom tried to get you to eat something, but you refused.

You went upstairs and as you were putting your pajamas on, your phone rang, it was Taylor.

- "Hey Tay, what's up?"

- "Hey Baby, I'm almost finished learning the moves. I'll send you a video. What about you? How did the appointments go?"

- "Meh" you groaned.

- "Why? What appointments did you have?"

- "I had one with a psychiatrist and another one with a nutritionist. It was just too much. They're asking for blood tests, heart tests, it's too much. I just don't think that it's necessary, I don't even feel sick" you said.

- "Liz, they're just trying to see how your body is doing. None of this is going to harm you."

- "Yeah... what about the video you said you were sending?" You said trying to change the course of the conversation.

- "Liz don't avoid this; I think we should talk about it" she said.

- "I really don't feel like talking about it, Taylor, I don't feel like talking at all. Thank you so much for keeping an eye on me. Love you, goodnight" you said hoping she would agree to end the phone call.

- "I'm serious Liz, please" she said practically begging.

- "Me too. Goodnight"

- "Night night baby" Taylor said with a sad tone.

You hung up and went off to sleep.

Thank you so much for your interest in reading my story  and for your sweet comments. I can't believe I reached 1k reads, I know it probably isn't much, but I'm so excited cause I've never written on Wattpad before :)