Castles crumbling (Taylor Swift's little sister)

Chapter 22

Trigger warning: this chapter includes a self-harm description.


It was Sunday morning and after breakfast you were really anxious. Taylor noticed you were moving your legs constantly and body checking obsessively.

- "What's wrong Lizzie?" Taylor asked.

- "Nothing. I need to use the bathroom" you said.

You went to your bathroom and before you could lock the door, Taylor had followed you and opened the door.

- "You either are going to throw up or work out. Tell me what you are feeling, it's really difficult for me to help you or be there for you if you don't tell me what's going on" Taylor said.

You were shocked. How did Taylor seemed to know everything that was going inside your mind? You tried to break free from Taylor's insistence, so you just rolled your eyes and said.

- "Jesus Taylor, none of them. I just wanted to pee" you answered annoyed. But you actually were going to do jumping jacks.

- "Alright, then you can pee right now" Taylor said suspiciously.

- "I'm not going to pee in front of you, what is wrong with you, Taylor?" You angrily replied.

- "Prove me you were going to pee, if that was what you were going to do, then do it" she said.

- "I don't need to prove anything to you. Move." You said clearly annoyed. But Taylor made no movement. She stood still. - "Seriously Taylor, MOVE".

- "I'm not moving. I know how this works, I've been there" she said and she hugged you. You tried to break free from Taylor's arms, but she was stronger than you.

- "Let me go, Taylor. Please" You broke down into her arms and sobbed. You couldn't stop crying, you didn't even know why you were crying, but you just couldn't stop. Eventually Taylor sat down and helped you to sit down without stopping the hug. You cried in her arms for about an hour, laying down in your bathroom floor, until you said:

- "I'm sorry, Tay."

- "Shh. It's okay baby. I'm here. I'm not leaving your side. Even if you push me away. I'm here" she said.

- "Can we go for a walk instead? I need some fresh air" you asked.

- "Yeah, but we will walk slowly. You won't compensate breakfast, okay? Change your pajamas and I'll change into comfy clothes too. We can go for a little slow walk."

You changed into some joggers and a hoodie; Taylor wore practically the same. You went out and walked slowly, but  Taylor still worried that your body couldn't handle the extra exercise, even if it was really slow. She tried to not give her concern away, but her face changed almost immediately.

- "Is everything okay, Tay?" You asked.

- "Yup. Everything's fine. Baby, I was thinking of inviting Blake and Tree over for lunch today, what do you think about it?" Of course, Taylor wanted to see her friends, but she also was feeling a bit overwhelmed, she needed some support.

- "Yeah...I guess it's fine" you felt anxious, but you knew that Blake and Tree knew about your eating disorder, so you didn't need to fake being normal around food around them, which was good, because you could eat your safe foods calmly. However, Taylor had other plans in mind. Besides, having friends over meant that Taylor was not going to be watching you as carefully as she was watching you lately while eating. You thought that she was going to be less strict with you if there were friends over.

You both got home and had a shower and got ready. While Taylor was getting ready in her room, she texted both Blake and Tree inviting them over for lunch and telling them she needed some support with you. They gladly agreed and told her they would be at your house at 1pm. With your breakdown and the walk, you managed to skip morning snack, not on purpose, but you were glad that you did. You fell asleep while reading on the couch and woke up when Blake arrived, Tree was already there.

- "Hey sweetie, how's everything doing?"

- "Hey Blake. You know... some days are better than others" you replied. While she hugged you.

You took Tree upstairs to your room to show her the finished the puzzle that you were putting together. You were done with the first one, so today you could start putting together the one that she brought for you last time you saw her.

Blake and Taylor cooked lunch while you and Tree puzzled for a bit upstairs. She was in charge of distracting you and keeping you busy, because the treatment center had recommended that you were not present when cooking food, that way you handed off a bit of the control. You hadn't realized yet that was the reason you were not allowed in the kitchen most of the times. Taylor called you and you and Tree came down to the kitchen. You froze as soon as you saw what they had prepared for lunch: spinach and ricotta lasagna. You gulped while approaching to the table. Everyone noticed but no one said a thing, they didn't want you to feel uncomfortable.

You sat down and watched them eat for about 10 minutes.

- "Lizzie, you need to start eating, baby" Taylor said, she was sitting in front of you.

You looked at her and she saw tears building in your eyes, but you quickly contained yourself, you didn't want to cry in front of Tree and Blake. However, they acted as they weren't seeing anything, even though their hearts were breaking by seeing you like that. Blake, who was sitting right next to you, gently placed her hand in your leg to show some support. You finally picked the fork and grabbed a piece of spinach, then took it to your mouth and started chewing. They tried to joke around to make you less conscious of what you were eating. When they were done eating you still had half of the lasagna to eat, but no one stood up. They had patience, until 40 minutes later you were able to finish everything that was in your plate. You were so exhausted, your belly hurt, your head hurt too because of the strength it took to avoid crying. When you finished you looked so drained that Taylor's eyes start to fill with tears. Tree noticed and asked her to help her with something in the garden.

- "I don't know what to do Tree. I mean, look at her, she's so sad all the time." Taylor said with a broken voice.

- "I know honey, but it will get better. When we forced you into recovery it was rough at first, it got worse before it got better, remember?"

- "Yeah, you're right. I just hate that she's doing this to herself. I want her to be happy again."

- "She will, it's a process and you know it better than anyone" Tree said hugging Taylor and helping her wipe her tears away.

When they came back inside the house, neither Blake nor you were to be found. Tree and Taylor went to your room and found you asleep in your bed and Blake stroking your hair.

- "She said she was exhausted. She started to fall asleep sitting down at the dining table, I convinced her to take a nap here" Blake said.

The three women gave you a sad look and went to Taylor's bedroom to chat for a while. After a couple hours, Taylor's alarm went off: it was time for your afternoon snack. -"It'll be tough" Taylor said grabbing her head with both of her hands. Blake and Tree decided to stay in Taylor's room while she woke you up and then go downstairs to the living room. You woke up and yawned:

- "What is it?" You asked.

- "It's time for your afternoon snack, baby" Tay said.

- "No, Tay. I cannot do it. Not right now. Please". You said begging.

- "I'm sorry baby, but you know that food is non-negotiable. You've got to eat; besides you didn't have your snack this morning."

- "Are Blake and Tree still here?" You asked.

- "Yeah, they're in the living room" the blonde answered.

- "Could I, at least, not have the supplement? I don't want them to know that I have to drink that nasty thing" you asked Taylor.

- "Why not?"

- "Because I'm too fat to be drinking them" you answered and looked away.

- "Lizzie, you are not fat. You need to drink them. They're helping you heal. They won't think your fat, cause you're not. Besides, they don't care how your body looks, they just want you to be happy and healthy, so do I".

You stood up annoyed and went downstairs, Taylor followed you. You took a vanilla flavored supplement out from the fridge, looked for a straw and sat down to drink it. You saw Taylor was about to speak, but you cut her off.

- "I know I must eat something else. But I'm so full Tay, please don't make me eat anything else" you begged.

- "You can have an apple; how does it sound?" She asked.

- "I don't know why I ask and beg when this isn't even my choice" you said frustrated.

Taylor gave you a sad look, but instead of saying something she just went to look for an apple and cut it for you. Tree and Blake were facing backwards, looking for a movie to watch, so you quickly stood up to sit with them, but poured 3/4 of the supplement in one of your mom's plants. You turned around to make sure that Taylor didn't see you, she didn't, so you went to the couch and sat with Tree and Blake. A couple of minutes later Taylor came to the living room and handed you the plate with the apple. You

- "Why aren't you guys eating anything? Why do I have to eat, and you guys don't?" You asked.

- "You need to focus on your process. Focus on you, not us" Taylor said. Immediately Tree came to the rescue and said - "You know what? I also would like to have an apple, what about you Blake?" Blake said she wanted one too, so Taylor went to the kitchen and cut three more apples, one for Blake, one for Tree and one for herself. You ate half of the apple and left 1/4 of the supplement (which meant that you didn't drink any of it at all, but they didn't know you poured 3/4 of it into one of the plants). You slowly put down the plate in the table.

- "Come on Lizzie, you know you need to finish your snack" Taylor said.

- "I don't want to" you replied.

- "It doesn't matter whether you want to or not. That is a choice you cannot make" Taylor said.

Suddenly you exploded:

- "I CANNOT MAKE ANY CHOICES RIGHT NOW. HAS ANYONE EVEN ASKED ME IF I WANT TO RECOVER? I DON'T. I DON'T WANT TO RECOVER. IF I EAT, THEN EVERYONE'S HAPPY, BUT I'M NOT. I AM NOT HAPPY. I WANT TO DIE. LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME STARVE MYSELF TO DEATH" You screamed and ran upstairs to your room crying.

All the three older women were shocked. Taylor was about to run after you, but Tree stopped her: - "I'll go and make sure that she's okay, but right now you both need space from each other".

Taylor agreed and started crying, while Blake stroke her shoulder comforting her. Meanwhile, you ran to your bathroom and locked the door. You were incredibly anxious. You felt like you were about to pass out, you were pacing around but couldn't breathe. You saw your razor in the shower, grabbed it and quickly took it apart. Without even thinking you took one of the blades and made 3 steady cuts in your left forearm. The relieve was almost immediate. Then, you heard Tree calling your name:

- "Lizzie, sweetie. Open the door, please."

You hid the blade and the razor inside the cabinet, hid the cuts with your sleeve and answered: - "I'm fine Tree, I just want to be alone".

- "You can be alone when I'm sure that you're okay. Open the door"

You opened the door, saw Tree standing there with a worried look and said: - "See? I told you I'm fine, I just needed to pee".

- "I'm sorry but I cannot leave you alone, not until Taylor says so" Tree said.

- "Everything in this house is up to Taylor. What a bossy and unbearable woman she is" you said lying down in your bed.

- "You know, Lizzie? I'm pretty sure that you don't mean any of the harmful things you say about Taylor. This is not you, is the eating disorder speaking."

Tree's words hit you. Your jaw dropped and you started to cry. Tree hugged you and held you for about 10 minutes until Taylor came to your room.

- "Blake needed to leave; she sent you her regards."

- "Oh. I'll text her later" you said.

- "There's another thing Lizzie. Mom just called; she told me that Uncle Jimmy died. She said that Aunt Nancy is sad but seems to be handling it well. I know we were never close to Uncle Jimmy, as it was Nancy's second husband, but it would be nice if you texted or called aunt Nancy."

- "I will, thank you Tay" you replied.

- "There's something else. Mom forgot to tell me that Dr. Sach asked her to be there for tomorrow's weight in, to see how your first week went. Since she's not here, I'll be going with you". The blonde said picking at her nails.

- "Okay. I'm sorry for exploding like that."

- "Don't worry about it, sweetie. But I think that it's important that you tell Dr. Maine and Dr. Pine what you told me."

Tree left and you and Taylor cuddled in your bed. You were damn scared for the weight in. You were sure that you had gained so much weight in this past week.