Castles crumbling (Taylor Swift's little sister)

Chapter 19

Monday came, it was your first day of treatment. You woke up at the usual hour and you'd go to school as you normally would, but before closing the front door to go catch the bus, your mom called your name and told you that Dr. Maine mailed asking for you to come a bit earlier to the treatment center on your first day, because they needed to manage your admission. Your mom said she was picking you up at 11:30 at school. You
nodded and left. The first hours went okay, you had English, Biology and Physics, then recess and after that chemistry and Spanish, at 11:25, just before the math teacher entered the classroom, you picked your backpack and left without saying goodbye to anyone. You walked to the parking lot and saw your mother waiting in the car,
Taylor was sitting down in the front passenger seat, you jumped in the back seat and stared through the window silently while Andrea drove. Taylor saw through the rear- view mirror some tears streaming down your face, so she started to talk about buying the new Lego collection so you could build it together. When you got there, your mother and Taylor got off the car, Taylor opened your door and held your hand while you got off too. You all started to walk towards the front door of the center, your mom was leading the walk, you and Taylor were walking behind her. Suddenly, as you got closer to the front door, your legs stopped moving. Your mom noticed and said:

- "You need a minute, darling? I can get going and arrange some stuff with David. You can stay here with Taylor while I do that."

- "Yeah, that'd be great" you answered.

- "Okay, I'll come and get you when everything's ready" Andrea replied. Your mom rang the doorbell and got in.

- "Talk to me, baby" Taylor said.

- "I don't know, Tay. I don't feel that sick to be skipping school because of this. What if I'm not sick enough to receive treatment? What if there's sicker girls than me?"

- "Baby, that's the eating disorder speaking; you will never ever feel sick enough. You deserve to get better. Please do not compare your illness and your recovery to any other else's. These illnesses are extremely competitive, anorexia will make you feel like you need to be sicker before being worthy of recovery. Those are lies. You deserve recovery once this becomes a problem, and it becomes a problem once it starts interfering with your life" Taylor said.

- "I'm so scared Tay. What if I can't do it?"

- "You can do it, it's a process though. I know that you're scared, but do it, and if it scares you, do it with fear anyway. I'll be here with mom to pick you up later, okay?" She said holding your hands tightly in hers.

- "Okay. I love you" you said.

- "I love you too" Taylor replied.

You kept walking and, in that moment, Andrea opened the front door, she was going to look for you.

- "Everything's ready. I'll be here at 5:30pm to pick you up. Goodbye, darling" she hugged you and gave you a kiss. Then Taylor gave you the usual forehead kiss and they both left you with a lovely nurse whose name was Lily.

In that moment you decided that you were going to try this recovery thing. You were definitely tired of starving and forcing yourself to overexercise. You decided that you were going to listen to the doctors, to your family, to your friends. You wanted to live again and be in love with life.

Lily leaded you to an exam room located at the end of the hall, in which you were going to have your first official weight in, in the outpatient program, as well as get your vital signs taken. You took your clothes off, stayed only in your underwear and put on the usual robe, then came out of the bathroom and stood on top of the scales. You were kind of curious this time, curious but scared, since you ate carbs during the weekend, but exercised compulsively, you didn't know what to expect. You looked down, saw the number, and lightly smiled.

- "According to your chart, you've lost almost 4 lbs. since the last time you were here, that was 3 days ago" Lily said kind of worried. "Your heart rate and blood pressure seem normal, though."

Then she said - "Alright, now I'm going to take you to the dining room. The food we give you here its measured to be exactly what your body needs. You must eat everything that is given to you, you have 1 hour to eat lunch, from 1pm to 2pm. Usually, you guys have three group therapies after lunch, before afternoon snack, but, since it's your first day I assume that you'll have an individual appointment with the nutritionist, instead of one of the group therapies, to discuss your meal plan and goals. It's important to assess that as soon as possible, we need to know if we need to make any changes to the food you're given here, so that it's consistent with your meal plan and your goals".

You thanked her, dressed, and followed Lily as she led you to the dining room. You got there and saw other 8 girls (5 were about your age, 3 seemed a bit older) already there. Dr. Maine came in and told one of the kitchen team ladies to start serving the food, then she told you to take whatever seat you'd like. You sat down next to a girl with red hair, she introduced herself as Mary, she was also 15 years old, and it was her second week at the program.

A couple of minutes later, you got your plate: two roasted chicken legs with some mushroom sauce, white rice and a salad made of spinach, tomato, carrots, and olive oil as dressing. You were also served some mango juice. Dr. Maine asked everyone to present themselves, so you could know each other. Then everyone started to eat, or at least try to. It was too much. You felt overwhelmed and so anxious, you knew that you were supposed to eat the whole plate as the nurse said, but it was too much for you. You stared at the plate for about 5 minutes, then heard Dr. Maine said: - "Elizabeth, you need to start eating". You lifted the fork and looked for a piece of spinach that had no dressing on it, found one, pinched it, moved the fork to your mouth, opened it and mechanically chewed the spinach. You repeated the action 3 more times, until you found no dressing free salad. You panicked, how were you supposed to keep on eating the salad?

You decided to move on with the chicken. You carefully, took the knife in your right hand and the fork in your left one, carefully removed the sauce, cut a small piece of chicken, and mechanically ate it. - "You need to actually eat the sauce too, Elizabeth" Dr. Maine said. You froze. You couldn't do it. You couldn't eat all these foods; it was too scary. You put the eating utensils down and zoned out. It was too hard, maybe you were not meant to recover, maybe you weren't even sick, and all these people were crazy, maybe you just could keep eating like you were.

You were thinking about this when, suddenly, one of the older girls that was sitting in front of you got her dessert: a scoop of brownie ice cream, she was done with her plate. You looked around and saw that all the girls were at least halfway done with their lunch, so was Dr. Maine. What time was it? How much time did you have left? You searched for a clock and saw that 35 minutes had already gone by. You picked up again your fork and grabbed a bit of rice. At 1:55pm 5 out of 9 girls were done with their lunch, juice, and dessert, but you were the one that was most behind with the task: you had just eaten 1 chicken leg, 1/4 of the rice, half the salad and no juice. At 2pm Dr. Maine ordered you to stop eating and asked the kitchen lady to pick up your plates, then went on to tell the lady how much supplement each of you was having to replace the food you didn't eat.

- "What's happening?" You asked Mary.

- "They're giving us supplement to make up for the food we weren't able to eat, they always do that. It depends on how much food you left on the plate. For example: a complete lunch, including juice and dessert, equals two full cups of supplement". Mary replied.

You open your eyes wide in shock. A couple of minutes later the kitchen lady handed you two cups filled with vanilla flavored supplement, one was filled completely and the other one just half filled. Mary was handed half a cup. You felt the tears building in your eyes but did your best to avoid crying. The two other girls drank their supplement within 5 minutes, Mary was halfway done. You decided to give it a try, but the smell of the supplement made you dizzy, you knew it had so much sugar in it. Another 5 minutes went by, and Mary finished her supplement and said "You can do it Elizabeth, I believe in you. I'll be waiting for you next room". You smiled at her while Dr. Maine approached to you:

- "Come on, you must drink it."

- "I can't do it. I don't need to drink this, it has too much sugar on it". You said.

- "It's what your body needs right now."

- "But I ate" you said in distress.

- "Yes, but not your whole plate. If we let patients leave food on the plate, then they will not reach their goals. The rules are clear: you must eat everything, if you cannot eat everything that's given to you, you must make up for it with supplement, sometimes it's easier".

You rolled your eyes and gave it a try, grabbed the cup that was half filled and moved it close to your mouth, took a small sip and immediately put it down. It tasted like vanilla milkshake.

- "Good job, keep going" Dr. Maine said.

Within another 10 minutes you were able to drink the cup that was half filled. Your eyes watered and tears started to fall down your cheeks, before you realized it, you were crying in front of Dr. Maine. Another 10 minutes went by, and Dr. Sach came in.

- "Hello Elizabeth, I was looking for you. We have an appointment to discuss your meal plan and your goals. I see that your first meal here has been tough?" She said giving a look to Dr. Maine.

- "Yeah..." You replied ashamed.

- "Okay, we normally don't let this slip, but, since it's your first day, we will be a little easier on you. Come on, let's have that appointment" Dr Sach said.

- "See you later, Elizabeth" Dr. Maine said.

You stood up and followed Dr. Sach to her office, she sat in the chair behind her desk and asked you to take a seat in front of her.

- "How's your first day going?" She asked.

- "Very difficult. It's too much food, like really." you answered.

- "It's not too much, it's what your body needs right now, according to your labs, your body is malnourished".

She expected you to say something else, but you just looked away and started to play with your fingers.

- "Alright, so your chart says that you've kept on losing weight. That cannot happen, Elizabeth. I will email you and your mom a meal plan I've designed for you to get back to a healthy weight. I'd like to see a 2 lbs. weekly gain. Theoretically, you must gain from 8-10 lbs. to be considered on a healthy weight, but this may vary from person to person, we'd like you to gain weight at least until you get your period back."

You freaked out. That seemed like too much weight to gain. You absolutely couldn't do that. Dr. Sach noticed and continued -"It's a gradual process, do not stress about it right now. I'd also like for you to include a supplement drink with afternoon snack. When you're here, we'll give it to you, but I'll speak this afternoon with your mom, because you cannot skip it on weekends".

- "Do I have to drink it even if I manage to eat all my afternoon snack?" You asked panicking, you thought that the supplement was only meant to make up for when you couldn't finish your meals.

- "Yeah, your body needs it to recover. But when you don't finish your meals you'll replace what was missing with supplement too. Obviously, the idea is that you eat all of your meals according to your meal plan, but for now, the supplement in the afternoon snack is non-negotiable. I'd also like to send some vitamins such as calcium, thiamine, zinc, and a multivitamin. All these vitamins can be taken in pills, I'll talk your mom about them too".

- "Will the vitamins make me gain weight?" You said with tears in your eyes.

- "No, vitamins won't make you gain any weight. They're just to help your body heal".

- "Okay" you said still anxious and body checking compulsively.

- "It will be hard, but if you stick to your meal plan and gain the expected weight, then we will modify it, the first step will probably be removing the supplement. But to get there, we need you to stick to the treatment and gain weight" she said.

You nodded and were dismissed. She guided you to the group therapy room. You sat in silence and as much as you tried to, couldn't concentrate. The therapists didn't push on you to participate, they just kept on with the therapy, hoping at least you would listen to what they were talking about. Time flied and at 5pm you were guided to the dining room again to have afternoon snack: almond granola with mango and chocolate supplement.

You started by eating the mango.

- "It tastes better and it's easier if you pour the supplement in the granola. Like cereal with milk" Cassie, another girl who was 15 years old too, said.

- "Thanks, I'll try it" you answered

You poured half of the supplement and slowly ate the granola. Within 25 minutes you were able to finish the bowl. Cassie was right, it tasted way better. It was good. However, your stomach started aching and you refused to finish the rest of the supplement. At 5:50 Dr. Sach came to the dining room with your mom and said:

- "Okay Elizabeth, that's everything for today. I've already spoken with your mom about the supplement, the vitamins, and the expected weight gain. I already emailed both of you the meal plan. Do you think that you're going to be able to finish the remaining supplement?"

You shook your head and waited to be dismissed.

- "I know it was a difficult day, you didn't finish any of your meals, but I can tell that you tried hard. You're dismissed, I'll see you tomorrow. But from now on we won't aloud you to leave without eating everything. Okay?"

You nodded and left with your mom; Taylor was waiting in the car. You jumped in and Taylor asked:

- "How was your day?"

- "It was horrible, I'm not going back there" you answered.

Taylor gave a worried look to your mom but didn't ask more about it. As soon as you got home you ran upstairs to your room, put on your pajamas, and brushed your teeth. Then closed the door, got under the covers, and cried. After an hour Taylor came to check on you, since you had the lights off, she turned them on and snuggled with you in bed. Then she noticed you were crying.

- "What's wrong baby? Why are you crying?"

- "I feel so guilty. They made me eat so much; they even made me drink supplement. I can feel all those calories fattening me up". You said.

- "No baby, you need it. It won't make you fat, it will make you healthy" she said.

- "Tay, they want me to gain like 8-10lbs. Actually, they want me to gain until I get my period back" you said sobbing.

- "You are not getting your period?" She asked shocked.

- "No..." you replied ashamed.

- "When was the last time you got it?" She asked.

- "Like 6 months ago. But what if I gain 10lbs and I don't get it back? I don't want to gain more."

- "Not getting your period suggests that your body is not working properly. The normal thing for a woman your age is to have a period, if you're not getting it, then I'd say that you're not healthy. It's not necessarily about a determined number of lbs, it's about your body functioning".

- "I'm not going back there Tay, seriously".

- "You know that you have no choice baby, is either that or your heart failing. No come on, let's puzzle a bit."

She managed to help you stand up from bed, but before you could sit down in front of the puzzle your mother shouted from the kitchen:

- "Tay, Liz, dinner's ready. Come down!"

You immediately went back to bed.

- "I'm not eating anything else. I'm full" you said kind of angry.

- "You need to eat, Liz. You know the rules" Taylor said.

- "I don't care about the rules. I'm not eating" you said and turned around.

After a couple of minutes Taylor went downstairs.

- "She's not having dinner, mom. She's crying and saying she hated it there. She says she's not going back tomorrow" Taylor said with a broken voice.

- "Let's try again in a while. Let's eat before it gets cold" Andrea said trying not to give away her worry.

They ate and then your mom went upstairs with a tray with dinner to try to get you eat something, but you continued to refuse. After an hour she gave up and decided to order online vanilla and chocolate supplements, as well as the vitamins Dr. Sach had ordered. She cried while ordering everything but told Taylor that she was exhausted and was not going to keep forcing you to eat, at least not for today.

Taylor put her pajamas on, brushed her teeth and came to your room to snuggle again in bed with you. You were still crying when she hugged you.

- "Shh... I'm here, Liz. I'm here. You are not alone. Cry as much as you want, I'm not leaving. It's better to cry together than to do it apart".

You kept crying until you fell asleep, with Taylor hugging you.