I'll give you my sunshine

Chapter 58

Taylor's POV:

I sat, unable to move as my I started to panic.

Travis leaned forward, to look at the number on the screen.

"Who is it?" I asked, biting my cheek, begging for it to be anyone but Joe.

"I'm not sure, they're not saved in your contacts, but it's not an American number it begins with +44" he said, and I felt every muscle in my body tense.

"Its Joe." I whispered. I didn't have to check to confirm. I knew it.

He turned the phone over and put it on silent. "We're going to let it ring out, okay?" He said, sitting back on the sofa, looking unsure on wether he should try hug me or what.

I nodded in agreement, feeling like I was about to throw up. Him calling, or rather trying to, felt so much realer, and that was so much more scary.

We sat in silence. Me, unable to speak, him, unsure what to say.

"Are you okay?" He asked tentatively.

"Mmhm" I said, even though it was probably pretty obvious that I wasn't.

I kept trying to focus on my breathing. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. This way I could distract my racing mind, and give it something else to focus on.

This didn't stop the tears, which silently started to roll down my face.

"Can I do anything?" He asked, still looking unsure of what to do.

"No, it's okay, I'm fine." I said, wiping my face with the cuff of my jumper, and smiling.

"Are you sure?" He asked, looking confused as he furrowed his brow.

I nodded, taking a deep breath. "Yep. I mean it's not like he's actually here so there's no reason for me to be crying. I am fine." I said definitely. More trying to convince myself than anything.

"You are allowed to cry and be sad Taylor, just because he's not here doesn't mean you have to be like unbothered about this, if he left such an internal mark on you of course being constantly reminded of him, from him himself will make you feel a lot of emotion and there is nothing wrong with that. You don't need to disguise your pain." Travis said, putting his hand on my knee. I appreciated that she didn't try hug me or anything cause I was so overwhelmed that would have sent me over the edge.

"I guess. I just can't stand the fact that he's supposed to be out of my life, and yet he's still here. And I hate the fact that I'm still not over what happened and I hate that he still makes me feel scared even if he's a whole ocean away." I said, my voice shaky as I forced my words out through my tears.

"And you are completely valid in feeling that way. Even if it is "just a phone call." It's him behind that phone, and so that's arguably just as scary as if he were in here, and he's doing this to hurt you and he knows what he needs to do to get there. But you don't need to be scared. He can't hurt you anymore, you are safe." He said, interlocking his fingers with mine, and giving my hand a gentle and reassuring squeeze.

"I hate that he knows what will make me feel like this, and he uses it to his advantage and my downfall." I said, I could have said more but my voice caught in my throat and I couldn't get anything else out.

Travis remained silent, allowing me to process my feelings and come to terms with them on my own.

"I just feel so drained. I haven't felt like this since we were together, I vowed to myself that I would never let anyone make me feel like that again and here we are. Every single time he messages or calls I feel myself getting closer and closer to falling into the bottomless pit again." I said, continued, digging my palms into my forehead.