Acceptance

Hold my hand

Lindsey's POV

"This isn't working, Steph."

"Yes, it is. Put a little effort into it!"

"Well, are you comfortable? I'm not!"

"Jesus, will you quit whining?"

"Let's switch positions, you get on top of me." She grunts and doesn't do that. "Babe, I'm sorry, but I'm really afraid about..."

"You are not going to squash our baby, Lindsey. We've been through this." 

"I know, but I still worry. Besides, you love being on top, what happened?"

"I don't feel like it at the moment." 

She looks away, lying on her back, sulking. I roll my eyes, because I'm already used to it, I had to adjust quickly, the last month has been pretty much like this. I scoot over to her side and start pressing kisses on her skin, softly talking.

"What's up with you today?"

"I guess, I'm just a little anxious about the appointment later today." 

"Why? Something's wrong?"

"No, but I always worry. I'm almost fifty, I'm not exactly supposed to be carrying babies."

"But you got pregnant, you've already made it through five months. Everything is just fine, please don't get stressed out about it."

"I also think that..." She faces me again and I see her eyes, brimming with tears. "That if I lost our baby, you and I would be over. I couldn't take it away from you, take being a father away from you."

"Oh, sweetheart, no... First, don't you even have thoughts like that swimming in that pretty head of yours and second, we wouldn't be over. I don't want kids with anyone but you. I want them to have your gorgeous chocolate eyes, to have your breathtaking smile, to inherit your kindness, to love how you love and see good in everyone the way you do. There's no one else, baby. If I ever thought of having children, in my mind half of their genes were always Nicks'."

 "You mean that?" She asks shyly.

"Absolutely."

"Okay, now let me get on top of you."

I laugh, kissing her and turn to lie on my back.

~

Stevie and I are sitting in the waiting room, about to be called in. She's a lot calmer now, but I'm the one who started getting nervous. She squeezes my hand and smiles so sweetly.

"What are you more, nervous or excited?"

"Excited, of course, but I don't even know what to expect. You've done this once before and I don't have the slightest idea of what happens in there."

"All you have to do, Linds, is stand by me and hold my hand."

"That easy, huh?"

"Yes. Simple as that, honey." She lays her head on my shoulder and we stay silent, as I look around us, seeing other women, much younger than Stevie, not that I would ever voice this, who are pregnant, some of them heavily, and they seem so tired, and I wonder how she's going to be able to deal with it as it progresses. She's got about four more months ahead of her and she's already been getting tired a lot quicker and her moods go up and down like crazy. Of course I would do everything in my power to help her through it, but there's so much I can do... I actually feel completely useless.

Finally, we get called in and Stevie's asked to lie down on the examination table, having some jelly squirted on her exposed belly right now. The doctor moves the small object in her hand all over Stevie's middle until the heartbeat fills the room and I immediately get chocked up. That is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my entire life.