Oblivion || n.h

Seven

I rush out of the house, two duffle bags in hand. I know i'm forgetting a ton of shit, but I really just can't get out of here fast enough. It should hurt me a lot more than this - I don't even know if what I feel is hurt. I think it's more guilt than anything.

Fuck, I shouldn't have even touched her. But she wanted you too, clearly. And I wanted to, but it only made things a shit ton worse. Sex is just complicated as it is, add my fucked up marriage to the mix and voila!

Belinda and I have become so estranged to intimacy, and what happened not even hours ago was not it, it was more pure nature. There was no love, no emotion or tenderness, at least not on my part. It was just a dick move, to get off, i've practically used her. Intimacy is about so much more than just sex, I know that, and yet I still let it happen.

"Where are you off too?" Hogan rears his head from behind the hood of my car, startling me to near death. His casual attire on.

"I'm leaving" I bite, unlocking the vehicle with the click of a button and throwing my bags in the back seat.

"What? Why?" Hogan dares to sound surprised by my decision, and actual concern is present in his voice, as opposed to his new and usual disappointment.

"Hogan" I sigh, raising a hand to stop him from going into his usual inquisition. "Just take the rest of the day off okay?"

I climb in behind the wheel of my car and start up the engine, barely succeeding to back out of the drive way before Hogan hops into the passenger seat.

"What are you doing?" I grit, my knuckles turning white as i grip the steering wheel.

"Going with you?" Hogan cocks a brow at my glaring expression.

"Yeh? Well you had made it quite clear, you wanted nothing to do with the way I run my life" I spit through clenched teeth. I really am in no position to push Hogan away, I know this. But he has made it clear that he isn't really on my side here. In any other situation I would have fled to Matt's house, but given he was keeping his affair with Fran from me, makes me wonder what else he might be hiding.

"Your crazy if you think i'm letting you leave alone" Hogan finally sighs, a remorseful expression flashing across his face. "Look, I'm your driver/body guard, not Miss Belinda's and truth be told, paid or not, your kinda stuck with me "

"Harsh words coming from a man who was defending her integrity ever step of the way" I bite, and he rolls his eyes at me. I only feel a slight sense of guilt for snapping at him after his mini rant.

"I wasn't defending her, I was trying to defend you from yourself, as cliché as that sounds. I know how bad it all is - I just didn't - or don't really - agree with how you've been dealing with it" he explains before buckling himself in and ushering me to get going.

***

The whole drive into the city and the small journey up the building to my apartment, was spent in silence. My mind has been preoccupied with what the hell i'm going to do next. I have been resenting Belinda and my marriage for the last three years, but it's become such a routine, I have no idea what else to fill this void with. I could go see Violet or have her come to me, but there is only so much I can demand of her. Seeing her every day would surely overstep the boundaries.

"Are you going to go see her tonight?" Hogan breaks the silence, placing another unopened beer in front of me while he takes on his first.

"No" I finish off my second beer, slightly surprised at how in tune with my thoughts he seems to be. "Maybe.. I dunno" I crack the top off my third beer.

I down half of it in less than a minute, clearly i'm on a mission to get wasted but these just aren't doing it for me.

"I think I need something a little stronger than this" I hold up the bottle before standing and discarding it in the sink. I remember the little gift Gretchen left for me in the freezer and go in search of that instead.