For an hour, I sat on that couch digesting everything that had transpired, lost in my thoughts and in a daze as I dwelled on how things could've gone so wrong.
I should've told him that I regretted everything. I should've told him that I had planned to tell him the truth since Saturday. I should've spoke up and told him that he was the Mr X I had hoped for.
But I couldn't because in the end there was a simple undeniable fact.
It was all because of me.
I shouldn't have run away, scared upon discovering that Ethan Clarke was Mr X.
And even if I had run away, he had given me many chances to set it right. Chances that I had thrown away.
It was all self-sabotage on my part.
I had done so because I had anticipated how I thought Ethan Clarke would react to finding out that I was Mary. I had done so in a bid to protect my feelings and it gave me an illusion of protecting myself. Because I was scared of rejection.
I had decided solely that Ethan Clarke would never like me, that I was someone he wouldn't have accepted.
And in doing so, I might just have lost him. Or any chance I could ever had hoped with him.
Once my body was on the brink of collapsing from exhaustion, I got up to put away the roast and wine that had been set on the table. Any appetite that I had, had been lost in the guilt that now thrummed in me.
After wrapping up the food and storing it away, I made sure to clean up before I finally headed upstairs.
Instead of heading directely to my room, I stopped by Ethan's, my hands poised to knock at the door but then I stopped.
What was I going to say to him? What could I say to him to make it alright?
Silence echoed from the other side of the door and I knew he was asleep.
So instead of deigning to wake him up, I headed for my room and decided to try and make things right the next day.
* * *
The next day, Ethan Clarke was gone by seven. He didn't return home.
For the rest of the week, Ethan Clarke didn't return to Building X.
On Thursday when I had asked Diana if she knew where he had gone, she said that he was out of town and added with a sharp, "You are not privy to Mr Clarke's schedule, Ms Bishop, so I suggest you focus on your own."
Elizabeth after having witnessed her reproach, pulled me aside and told me that Mr Clarke had chosen to stay at his condo near the main office because he didn't want to commute daily due to a very important partnership.
Yet I knew, that I had played a big role in his decision to stay at his condo and not at Building X.
He didn't want to see me.
Pulling myself together, I decided to give him the space he needed and went about my day and work like I would have done before.
After doing my tasks, I headed over to the main building to help with anything they needed help with.
Most days I spent reading to Mr Clarke during lunchtime as Elizabeth had said that his eyes gleamed with excitement every time I was over.
His condition was improving with each visit. He had raised his hand an inch or two in greeting the last time I had walked in. We had since finished The Great Gatsby and was onto The Kite Runner, his second favorite book.
Every time I left Mr Clarke, I couldn't help smiling as I noted his improving condition and wondered if Mrs Clarke had told Ethan about it. I knew it wasn't my place to interfere but I couldn't help but hope that she would let him know as soon as she could.
Then in most of the afternoons, I had my shift at the hotline.
Mr X never called again.
He never would again. And a part of me mourned it.
Mourned that that small bout of happiness would never return. Mourned that I would never witness that part of Ethan Clarke ever again.
Mrs Davis called twice.
Once she had called after visiting her husband's grave. It had been his death anniversary. We spent the entirety of the thirty minute call, talking about Mr Davis and his love for stamp collecting. At the end of the call, I couldn't help but smile at how pure their love was and couldn't help but wish the same for myself.
The second time she called, on Saturday, was to tell me that she was going on a cruise ship around the world. Something that Mr Davis and her had planned to do. Something that they had never gotten around to doing because they were worrying about something or someone.
"You only live once, sweetheart," she had said. "Make sure you make it count! Do everything you want to do! Throw caution to the wind and just live!"
After she told me that she was grateful for the shoulder to cry on that I had offered her, we said our goodbyes.
Even after her call ended, the words she said lingered with me, keeping me glued to my seat even as I had already packed up to leave.
We did only live once and I had been wasting it with worries that almost seemed so insignificant in the grand scheme of life.
I had let those worries cost me a chance at happiness. It very well may have even cost me everything.
I pulled out my phone and before I lost my courage I typed a message.
I hit sent before I got up from my seat and left the building and headed back to Building X to wait. And hope.
I waited for Ethan Clarke.
And waited for a tiny bit of hope that I still had a chance.
Another week passed by.
And Ethan Clarke still had yet to return to Building X.
By then, even the staff was asking questions due to his absence.
On Friday that week, I walked in on Diana asking Mrs Clarke if he needed her to swing by the condo to make sure that everything there was up to his standards.
Mrs Clarke's eyes met mine where I stood, a few feet away holding a tray with her coffee and biscuits. "He is fine, Diana. There's only one person he wishes to see right now and you are not her."
"Her?" Diana's shocked tone reached me, but Mrs Clarke dismissed her with a wave of her hand as she watched me.
I placed the tray on the table in front of her and moved to excuse myself.
"Ashleigh, dear," Mrs Clarke's voice had me frozen where I stood with my back towards her.
I turned around and bowed my head slightly in acknowledgement, waiting for her to mention something about Ethan.
Even if no one else knew of what had happened, I knew that she would be aware, or at the very least had an inkling as to what had happened. What had made her son stay in the condo across the city and away from Building X.
