Bittersweet Expectations (Hate at First Flight #0.5)

50. My Last Chance and Hope

For an hour, I sat on that couch digesting everything that had transpired, lost in my thoughts and in a daze as I dwelled on how things could've gone so wrong.

I should've told him that I regretted everything. I should've told him that I had planned to tell him the truth since Saturday. I should've spoke up and told him that he was the Mr X I had hoped for.

But I couldn't because in the end there was a simple undeniable fact.

It was all because of me.

I shouldn't have run away, scared upon discovering that Ethan Clarke was Mr X.

And even if I had run away, he had given me many chances to set it right. Chances that I had thrown away.

It was all self-sabotage on my part.

I had done so because I had anticipated how I thought Ethan Clarke would react to finding out that I was Mary. I had done so in a bid to protect my feelings and it gave me an illusion of protecting myself. Because I was scared of rejection.

I had decided solely that Ethan Clarke would never like me, that I was someone he wouldn't have accepted.

And in doing so, I might just have lost him. Or any chance I could ever had hoped with him.

Once my body was on the brink of collapsing from exhaustion, I got up to put away the roast and wine that had been set on the table. Any appetite that I had, had been lost in the guilt that now thrummed in me.

After wrapping up the food and storing it away, I made sure to clean up before I finally headed upstairs.

Instead of heading directely to my room, I stopped by Ethan's, my hands poised to knock at the door but then I stopped.

What was I going to say to him? What could I say to him to make it alright?

Silence echoed from the other side of the door and I knew he was asleep.

So instead of deigning to wake him up, I headed for my room and decided to try and make things right the next day.

* * *

The next day, Ethan Clarke was gone by seven. He didn't return home.

For the rest of the week, Ethan Clarke didn't return to Building X.

On Thursday when I had asked Diana if she knew where he had gone, she said that he was out of town and added with a sharp, "You are not privy to Mr Clarke's schedule, Ms Bishop, so I suggest you focus on your own."

Elizabeth after having witnessed her reproach, pulled me aside and told me that Mr Clarke had chosen to stay at his condo near the main office because he didn't want to commute daily due to a very important partnership.

Yet I knew, that I had played a big role in his decision to stay at his condo and not at Building X.

He didn't want to see me.

Pulling myself together, I decided to give him the space he needed and went about my day and work like I would have done before.

After doing my tasks, I headed over to the main building to help with anything they needed help with.

Most days I spent reading to Mr Clarke during lunchtime as Elizabeth had said that his eyes gleamed with excitement every time I was over.

His condition was improving with each visit. He had raised his hand an inch or two in greeting the last time I had walked in. We had since finished The Great Gatsby and was onto The Kite Runner, his second favorite book.