Dear Scott

Chapter Four

Dear Scott,

Please listen close

To all I need to say

You did nothing wrong

But break my heart

Something you cannot control

I’m sorry I put that all on you

My thoughts, my feelings, my soul

But really, if you look at us

It’s you who doesn’t know

Neither my hopes nor my dreams

Are ever kept in my mind

And why should they be?

To lay unknown to whom they relate?

What hurt the most 

Was not you two

But rather you and me

As I gave you space

I watched you walk away

I’ve left that thought 

To wither away

To my heart 

Please don’t return 

For now I hope, I dream, I pray

Our friendship to blossom and bloom

I feel there is so much to say

No meaning these words convey 

For the thoughts 

Rushing through my mind

It’s frustrating, building, exhausting

These slurs of words

Tangled unevenly

Laid out upon a page

They mean nothing

Nor convey what I feel

In my mind I see you just as before

The week had dragged on for what seemed like years. When Thursday finally rolled around, it had felt like an eternity and a half since the start of the week. I had dreamt through each of my classes; only the bell sounding the end of seventh hour could awaken me from my walking slumber. With all of Tyler's talk about Silvia, I found myself feeling more alone than I had since first learning about Scott and Jean. For everyone else, the promise of spring brought with it the promise of relationships and interests in new people; for me, however, the approaching spring just seemed to be carrying in more hopelessness than the preceding winter. My nights were long in the darkness of my room, my eyes scanning the ceiling as my mind raced, keeping me from falling asleep until the early hours of the morning. Ending in a high pitched alarm tone, my dreams were filled with short, depressing messages from my heart that I pushed out of my mind during the day. I found myself losing my train of thought constantly, my blank thoughts drifting out through my ears as my mind sat idle in each of my classes. 

The days went by in blurred clusters of events that were easily forgotten in the hours I spent lounging in Tyler's living room. Time went by me as I stood still, the ability to concentrate and engage in my life completely escaping me. In the commotion of each day, I found myself constantly entranced in the songs that played through my head phones; tiny pieces of technology that allowed me to escape into my own head. At the end of each day, I'd make my way to my locker alone, tuned into my iPod as I shut the rest of the world out. That thursday was no different.