I'm Just Dancing

It was, it is, it will be

Ryan POV

"Not saying I will," Chad stops me as I walk off the diamond, "but if I did what would you have me do?"

I can't answer, partially because I don't know and partially because if I open my mouth I might say something I regret. So I don't, I walk away praying that I look far less frazzled than I feel. I should try to make it back to my room to change, but the sweaty dusty clothes are already uncomfortable against my skin. I hadn't expected to be here so I hadn't brought anything to change into and I don't think I can realistically make it. So I pivot for the shower rooms just to rinse off. Why don't we have separate staff and member rooms? Because you don't let the staff have fun is the obvious answer and I do feel bad for even thinking it. So I walk past everyone, head down, and go straight for the shower.

I don't know how long I stand under the water, the knots in my stomach refusing to untie, but once I shut off the water the room sounds empty. What happened out there? It was...electric, it was-

"Ryan?" Chad's voice interrupts my thoughts and my heart is in my throat.

"Uh, yeah, it's me." I dry my legs quickly and pull on my pants before stepping out into the main area. Chad is sitting on one of the benches. "What are you still doing here?"

"I didn't see you leave." He looks at me. He's looked at me a thousand times before but this time he looks at me.

"What?" My mouth is dry.

"I mean, I wanted to talk to you." Nervous, that's one of the looks I couldn't identify earlier, Chad Danforth is nervous.

"About the show?" That has to be it, he's nervous about performing.

"Yeah kinda?" Chad finally looks away but I still can't breathe, something hangs in the air.

"Kinda?" I feel like a parrot.

"About working with you on the show." Chad still hasn't looked up and the knots twist tighter, almost painful.

"Listen, I get if you don't trust me. I haven't exactly been a good guy consistently. But, I'm trying, I promise." I sit down next to him while I talk, feeling like I might faint.

"No-I-What? No, I trust you. I don't trust me. This summer has been so weird and I, I really want to do this but I don't think I can. I can't let everyone down by being bad at it." Chad wrings his hands. Some of the anxiety dissipates. It is his nerves, and I can deal with his nerves, just not my own.

"What?" It comes out before I can think of something nicer to say.

"I can't ruin this for you guys." Chad looks back up at me, his eyes so serious.

"Did we just play the same ballgame? You have incredible control over your body and that's all dancing is. If you can remember plays and rules you can remember dance steps I promise." It's the truth, of course it is. Chad moves on the field and the court with such stunning precision. A shark, the movement keeps him alive.

"You think so?" His voice is so soft, so hopeful.

"Yeah dude! If anything comes up we can work with it. You won't be letting anyone down, I sincerely doubt you'd even be in the bottom five of all of this. Plus it's not like I'd risk looking like a bad choreographer." I laugh and Chad visibly detenses, if a little bit.

"Well thank you, that does help me feel better about that," he looks down again, and the knots retie.

"Is there something else?" I am suddenly so aware of every bead of water on my skin, that I am shirtless, that Chad is so close. Closer, I think, than he had been just a second ago.

And it happens, lips on lips. Slow, achingly slow, several drawn out kisses. My skin burns, my mind screams. I want this so bad, worse than anything, but this can't be happening. I don't pull away.

He puts his hand on the back of my head, I don't pull away.

The kisses become more intense, frantic, I don't pull away.

I lean in.

Then it's over, it could have been thirty seconds or thirty minutes and I would not know the difference. Maybe it never happened at all and this is a fever dream while I lie on the field after fainting from heatstroke.

The room stays silent as if we are both confused about what just happened. I go to say something but Chad snaps his head up like he read my mind, his expression somewhere between panic and elation.

"I'm bi." He blurts.

"Congrats," I respond, the reality settling back in. "I am more concerned about the whole having a girlfriend thing though."

"Oh, Taylor and I broke up a while ago." He says it like it's obvious, like he hasn't been taking her on dates and spending breaks with her.

"What?" I feel like I've entered some alternate reality.

"Yeah, we just don't actually like each other that way. Plus I had a huge crush on someone else the whole time so..." He looks at me like I am supposed to say something here but I can only stare, "I mean you."

"Yeah, I mean I, like why now?" It's not a sentence, it's barely words but it's all I manage.

"What?" He sounds upset but I am not looking. Instead, I stare at the ground and try to make sense of any of the information that I have received.

"I mean how long is a while ago, why here, why now, why," I'm still just rambling but it's all I can do.

"Ryan, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have," I finally look over. Chad is panicked.

"No no I," I reach over and grab one of his hands to stop him from wrining them again. "I'm not mad that you did I just- maybe it's not why but why not? How long could this have been happening for?" This I don't even know what this is.

"Uh, so you remember that date I missed?" Chad laughs, this is not funny.

"Oh my god, so I was still a homewrecker." I feel cold, all the built up heat from the previous moments totally gone. Chad stays quiet for too long. I ruined a relationship, it's my fault. Even when I am just trying to be kind I am still a villain.

"No!" He mercifully breaks the silence interrupting my spiral momentarily. "I didn't even really know I felt this way at that point. It was just what made me realize it wasn't working with Taylor and it wasn't going to work. Well, that and my mom." He laughs again.

"Your mom?" I laugh too, my nerves settling just a little. Some part of me thought that I was some dirty little secret, that no one really knew we were even friends. So to hear him say he told his mom about me...

"That's a much longer story" He squeezes my hand, I will be asking him for that longer story.

"So then why now, why not a month ago?" Or any time between then and now?

"Because I'm a coward." He's still smiling but he sounds disappointed.

"Huh?" What did he have to be afraid of? I mean I guess Taylor did seem pretty mad over the phone that night.

"What if you didn't like me? What if I actually ruined our friendship? What if you weren't ready? I couldn't bear any of those risks." He tenses and it hits me that all of this means he likes me. Like cares what I think about him likes me. I've been an experiment or a test so many times that I am not sure I know what it's like to be liked.

"Chad, you spent that night in my bed." We are finally both laughing, the tension that had been hanging slipping away. Replacing it is a new feeling, one that is soft and warm and unknown to me.

Then Chad stands, silently, and walks over to the rest of my stuff by the shower. I can only stare, what could he possibly be doing? Changing into my shirt is the unexpected answer, he tosses his to me.

"They are going to be talking about how long we were gone," he replies to my confused look. "Why not give them something to talk about?" Normally the idea of encouraging Wildcat gossip would seem ridiculous, but he makes a good point. If they are going to talk anyway why not have some fun with it?