Zayn's POV
OK here goes nothing Zayn.
I knock on the door to Liam's room. I heard him shuffle around, before I hear the click of the handle turning and the door being opened to see a Liam standing there, only in his trackies and shirtless.
Wow thanks Li, way to make this a whole lot harder than it already is. Ohh no Déjà Vu.
He looked at me with a confused look on his face. "Ohh hey Zayn, what's up?" He asked plainly. I deserve that.
"Hey Li." I smiled at him but he just raised an eyebrow at me. Right. This is nothing like my perfect dream. "Erm, could I talk to you about something?" I asked him hesitantly. He didn't say anything, just gestured his hand towards his bed to allow me to come in. I walked past him and sat at the edge of his bed. Liam closed his door and came over and sat on the bed also. "Where's Niall?" I asked hoping to ease the tension between us down a bit.
"He is with Josh again, left about an hour and a half ago." He replied. I nodded slowly and sat there staying quiet. "Well...What is it?" He asked impatiently. It seemed like he just wanted me to leave him alone, not that I blame him for that. But what do I say? Truth is Liam I'm in love with you. No I can't just say that, can I. I guess I'm going to have to wing it. Start off with saying sorry.
"I really wanted to apologise for the way I've been acting lately. I've been a massive jerk and you really didn't deserve it. We're meant to be best friends but I've been treating you like nothing. You have no idea how guilty and how much of a dick I feel like. I don't expect you to forgive me or be my friend again but I just hate the way I acted towards you Li. I really am sorry." I was looking at him but he was looking down at his hands. I didn't say anything else. I just waited for him to speak. He finally looked up and our eyes locked. When his eyes make contact with mine, I just melt. He looked both confused and disappointed.
"The thing is Zayn, it's not the fact you ignored me, it's the fact that you did it for no reason and if you did have an explanation you didn't tell me. I would’ve tried to fix it but you didn't tell me anything and when I confronted you about it you got all defensive and kept treating me like a piece of meat." I didn't know what to say. He was 100% true and I hurt him and I don't know how to make it up to him.
"I don't really know what to say." I told him truthfully. He sneered and shook his head. He reached over and grapped his water bottle from his bedside table and drank from it. I couldn't help but stare. The way his hand gripped the bottle, so firm and tightly. His muscles flexing with every little movement he made, that if I was standing I'm sure my knees would go weak. His lips left the bottle and I began to stare at them. They looked so moist and soft. I had to restrain myself.
"Zayn!" He clicked his fingers in front of my face.
"Huh. Sorry." I apologised.
"I said that you could start off by explaining everything and why you have been acting the way you have." He stated.
"Um yeah alright." Well now is the time Zayn. Once you tell him you can't go back but you can't really have a different explanation because other than being perfect he has done absolutely nothing wrong to you or to anyone. "Well I broke up with Perrie a little while ago, you know that and-"
"You started hanging out with Harry because he didn't have a girlfriend and I did?" He questioned. Well part of it was true, I suppose.
"I guess that's partly it?" It came out more of a question than a statement. "But that's not the actual reason." He nodded and waited for me to continue. Ohh crap, Ohh crap, Ohh crap I have to tell him and I have to tell him now. Shit shit shit shit. Stop swearing and freaking out Zayn. "Well- The thing is -Sometimes you start to- Like." Omg Zayn stop talking like how Harry does. "Alright, I'm just going to try say it. After I broke up with Perrie I wasn't planning on falling for someone so quickly afterwards." I stopped to take in his expression but he just looked puzzled as to what I'm attempting to say. I don't think that the person I'm falling for is him, is actually coming together in his brain. "And well the reason I've been spending so much time with Harry is because he found out and was helping me cope with the fact that I'm actually in love with someone and he was sort of in a similar situation to me, so we were helping each other. If that makes sense." He was mumbling some things under his breath but I couldn't quiet hear what.
"And how does this fit into you being a dick to me." He asked slowly. I bit my lip really hard. I'm too scared to tell him straight off.
"Erm, so I am having trouble with liking this person and you know me, I'm normally fine when it comes to girls. And like, it's really hard to explain." I have no clue what I'm saying and I'm sure I sound like a total tool. "I guess I was angry at you, well I wasn't angry at you, I was more angry at myself. I was ignoring and avoiding you because you have a girlfriend. And I knew that was getting in my way." My voice went high pitched at the end because I am so nervous and scared. I watched him, trying to see for any expressions that will let me know if he understands and how he feels about it all. He was looking into blankness, pointing the air, trying to connect the pieces together.
What was about only 40 seconds felt like forever when his face finally changed from confusion into realisation. He looked at me with shock and his mouth was formed in an 'o' shape. At that stage I wanted to run out of that room and hide. I didn't want to face rejection and I didn't want him to treat me differently because of it. "You? The person you have fallen for is-is m-me?" He stuttered out. Someone just come in this room and kidnap me now.
"Ye-ye." I couldn't speak so I nodded.
'Why?" He asked.
Boy don't get me started on how perfect and sexy you are. "Just the fact that we get on so well and you're the most kindest person I know." I simply under egsadturated. That was about nothing compared to how much and why I like him.
"Ohh OK." His face was still filled with confusion and shock. "So let me get this straight." He paused. "You started developing feelings for me and Harry found out so you spent all your time with him, because somehow he was in a similar situation." I nodded. I hope he dooesn't figure out that Harry likes Louis. "And you ignored and avoided me because you liked me and couldn't do anything about it because I'm with Danielle. Correct?" I nodded again. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. "Right. Well I wasn't expecting that, that's for sure." He let out an uneven laugh.
"I know you probably think I'm a freak and you don't want to be near me because you don't want someone that likes you, especially me, near you because it makes you uncomfortable but please don't hate me Li. I may love you in different ways than just being friends but you're my best mate and even if you don't ever talk to me again, I couldn't handle you hating me." I finally spoke. It wasn't smooth but at least I said it.
"You love me?" He asked wide eyed. Fuck did I actually say that to him. I DID NOT mean to do that. Shit, what do I say?
“I guess so.” I replied. Yeah real smooth Zayn. You are actually an idiot.
“I’m really sorry, Zayn. I really am but I think you kind of knew I was going to say this.” I could feel my eyes getting watery but I made sure not to let a single tear fall, at least not until I leave this hell. “I love ya, I do but not in the way you love me. As much as I want to return the feelings just so I can make you happy, I can’t because I have Dani and I love her. We’ve been through so much and I’m sorry but I don’t feel what I feel for Danielle for you. You’re my Best Friend.” Friend zoned. “And you’re not the problem, I’m just not gay.” He told me sympathetically. He spoke as though he could like me if it wasn’t for Danielle but I know I’m reading too much into it and need to stop before I lead myself for more heart break.
I felt like I had been torn into two pieces, my world was crumbling away in that one moment. I wanted to curl up in a ball and break down. What’s the point of pretending to be happy when you’re not? I wanted to scream. I knew this was going to happen but a part of me was hoping for a different outcome. I was dreaming about Liam telling me he loved me back and kissing me, making my heart beat so loud he might hear it and my knees to go so weak that if he isn’t holding me, I will fall. But that’s just a dream right? Him giving me goosebumps when his skin connects to mine or the way I can’t speak when he says something cute and sweet to me, the way my breath hitches when I see his perfect body or the way I can’t help but smile when he smiles or when I think about or see him, those are real and I can’t stop them. If I could I would because that would mean less pain, less grief and less misery of watching the one I love care about and be with someone better than you. I know I’m not good enough for Liam. I’m not attractive enough for him, I’m not nice enough for him, I’m not funny enough for him, I’m not sensitive enough for him, I’m not stable enough for him, I’m not anything for him. I wish I was but I’m not.
