Remember When ↠ l.p.

Midnight

Still flashback~

After mother left I did nothing. Which wasn't much of a change from what I was doing when she was still with me. She finished telling me what had happened during her and Tessie's time at the rehabilitation center. There wasn't more. It seems they stayed for as long as they could and talked the whole time, until Tessie got tired, at least. She talked to the doctors that were there and even had a run-in with the dreaded Dr.Madison, but there wasn't any visible change. She assured me that she had them run every test they could think of before she and Tessie left. There was nothing more to do they said, but hope and pray in these last few hours. I knew that is what I should be doing, but I couldn't bring myself to do so.

I did nothing. I stared at the wall, the muted tv, and just laid in bed doing nothing but thinking. Normally I wouldn't have let myself drift and wander so far into the darker thoughts I dwelt on that night. I thought about what would happen if Liam did...not ever wake up. I thought about our lives without him. I thought about the extremes, would Tessie go to live with her grandparents? Or would she be permitted to stay with me, her temporary legal guardian and nanny. Would I be able to raise her the way that her grandparents would want? The way that Sophia and Liam would have wanted? Could I give her a life befitting of being a Payne? What sort of job could I get to support the girls? I wouldn't expect to still get payed for Tessie. 

There was some sort of agreement that was met, I get a monthly stipend because I'm her legal guardian, but it's not because I am her guardian exactly, it's because I'm technically still her nanny as well. It gets released from Liam's savings, I believe.

That's all if  her grandparents did't take her, which seems absurd, obviously they would want her. Then what would I do, I'd find some job online I suppose. Until Cailyn's old enough to go to school, then I can try to find a regular job. A job doing something... That sounds like a horrid future, I find it so hard to imagine a life without Tessie. I've gotten so used to seeing the two of them together, they almost seem like a package deal. If Cailyn's there then Tessie is bound to follow and vise versa. Plus, I hadn't wanted to put Cailyn into school. I had been investigating homeschooling and I've nearly decided to do it. The only reservation that I had was that if Liam wanted to put Tessie into regular school, I wouldn't want to send her off by herself. Or have Cailyn home alone with me when she would no doubt be sorely missing Tessie. 

This is all assuming that Liam is-er-disconnected. What if he's just kept on life support for ages? How weird would that be? I'd hate that, knowing his body was still there and still considered to be alive but he was gone... Who would even make that decision? His parents I suppose. I'd probably be the one to sit there with him when they unhook him, unless they flew in to be there. I wouldn't mind being there, because I wouldn't want him to be alone. He means something to me, what exactly I'm not completely sure, something between friends and someone I love like a spouse. I care about him, I always have...if I were put in this same situation a few years ago I'm sure I still would have cried. He's someone I grew so attached to easily, I do that to certain people. 

I can remember thinking at one point, if any of those boys died, I would cry and mourn them like they were my friends. To think I'd be in this sort of position now, facing the likely death of Liam Payne was so an impossibility back then. I wish it still was. 

And once again I'm imagining what Liam's life would have been if I'd never entered it. If I had turned down his miracle of a job offer. If Tessie hadn't stolen my phone. If I hadn't been selfish and jumped right into his offer and his world. Would none of this have happened? I flipped over from one side to the other, unable to sleep for the longest time despite being tired. I'd been awake since seven o'clock or eight or something like that and after keeping up with Cailyn all day, I'm was exhausted. Yes, despite the short nap we took. 

The pillows under me grew warm and I alternated between having my covers pulled up to my chin or down by my waist. I couldn't get comfortable. I laid on my good side, then my back, and then tried to lay on my stomach for a few painful moments before realizing that wasn't going to work out. I must have managed to drift off at some point, because the next thing that I knew...my phone was ringing.