It's something I've always thought about. Since I was little, I've thought, "what would it be like to just...stop?"
Last year, I went back to thinking that way, full-time. A constant pain, screaming in my head. I had to keep it inside, and hide it with fake smiles. I was more irritable, more sensitive, and I couldn't shake myself out of it.
I remember, one day, one of the lowest times I was ever in. I woke up, and I didn't even want to get out of bed. I went to school that day, though, and I realized just how lucky I am. I had great people surrounding me. I had people who made me laugh. Who I knew would be there.
And yet...I couldn't stop my brain.
I went home, and I had to deal with my parents, and my sisters. And somehow, depression took me in again.
Another night, one of my lowest nights I've ever experienced, I had just seen my ex best friend from my old school. She used to pick on me, which left me extremely self conscious, even now. I tried talking to her, but she brushed me off like I was nothing.
Then, I realized. Maybe I am. Maybe I am nothing. Who would care if I died today??
I talked to some of my closest friends, (and special friends *wink wonk*) and they helped me get out of it. I was okay for about 4 months.
Until tonight. I tried managing everything all at once. But I just broke. Every peice in me shattered. I'm broken beyond repair. All the smiles, they were fake. Everything and anything feels like an act. My life feels like an act.
Would dying be easier?
