(quick disclaimer: this is about someone who really hurt me, even though i shouldn't have let them. if you're reading this right now, you know who you are. if you're going to get upset about this, please honestly do not read this. this is my corner to express myself and my thoughts and feelings. this is not an attack on you. this is not me trying to "get back" at you. this is my outlet. if you don't want to hear what i have to say, don't read it.)
the night i didn't sleep, you told me you wanted to be with me. you let those words pull me back in the same way you used to pull me into your arms, slip off your lips like the t shirt she slipped off your shoulders.
the night i didn't sleep, you stayed up with me until 4 o'clock in the morning. you told me things that, had i not been deprived of sleep the same way you were deprived of someone to fuck, i wouldn't have believed.
the night i didn't sleep, you told me i was the only one you wanted. you made me feel special. i didn't know it then, but two days later you will tell someone else the same exact thing, but the difference between me and her is they'll kiss your neck and mark their territory before they even know you the same way you know every word to your favorite Broadway musical.
the night i didn't sleep, you told me you loved me. loved. something i don't really think you understand. or at least, you dont think of it the same way i do. to me, love means promise. love means sacrifice. love means always. love means trust. love means friendship. love does not mean "kiss me and in exchange i'll tell you weightless words without considering the weight of the impact."
the most important thing that happened the night i didn't sleep, though, is that i learned how the sun touched the earth for the first time. almost nothing. just enough for the birds to rise and serenade the morning sky, just enough for a little bit of light. then there is more, enough to see the neighbor's house. then a little more, and the earth starts to glow. it took time, 42 minutes to be exact, but it was worth the wait. worth the wait to see the sky go from near-black, to navy, to light sky blue.
and i can't help but think of the way she touched you for the first time. knowing that you were a night that turned to day in seconds. and i can't help but want to show you how a real relationship should be done, how you should be touched. but for you, loving is like the days and the nights and then the days again, blending together unceasingly, with almost nothing to remember in between phases.
the next morning i tried explaining that to you, but i don't quite think you understand.
the worst part is, you never will.
i wish i realized that the night i didn't sleep.
