Waves {h.s.}

one - crazy

I HAD ALWAYS loved trains, but today, I hated the train.

I hated how slow it was going, I hated how bumpy the ride was and I hated that even though I had always loved the train, today I hated it.

My mind was somewhere else, busy trying to make sense of what I had learned only a few hours before. The situation was hard to understand, hard to come to peace with. I didn't know if I was supposed to be angry or sad. Somehow I wanted to be both; somehow I wanted to be none.

Adopted. It didn't make sense. I had seen Harry's family together, his parents never made it seem like Harry wasn't their real son. They treated him with so much love and respect, treated him like he was their own blood. The situation seemed impossible, and yet it shredded light onto so many things.

All of Harry's allusion to his adoption popped in my head. Him saying he wasn't worth it, his fear of me leaving, abandoning him, and his constant hard mask, at least that made sense now.

But I still hated the train. Because now I feared what I was coming home to. I knew Harry would be waiting for me at the train station. He would probably be leaning casually against a wall while waiting for my arrival and smile when he would see me. Usually the scene would've warmed my heart, but now I apprehended it, because I knew.

How was I supposed to face him, how was I supposed to act? Was I supposed to tell him that I knew or pretend that I didn't? Harry and I had just gotten on our feet and I didn't want to throw it all away. He had kept this secret from me for a reason, even if he had accepted to eventually talk about it, it didn't mean that he was ready to do it now, and quite frankly, I don't think I was either.

My legs shook as I drummed my fingers against my knees. The anxiety was killing me as the train slowly neared its destination. I imagined hundreds of scenarios, hundreds of ways to tell him what I had learned. Yet, none of them seemed to have a good outcome. I didn't want to lose Harry over this. The fact that he was adopted didn't change anything for me, but it changed everything for him.

Once it was announced that we were arriving at the station, I took in a deep breath and grabbed my bag to put it on my knees. I stayed in my seat as long as I could before a lady told me that it was the train's final stop and that I had to leave. So I gathered every bit of courage I had and got out of the train.

The station was packed. Men, women and children running to catch their trains while I got lost in the crowd. People walked by without a care in the world and I just looked around. Standing still on both my feet while my mind ran laps. Then my eyes landed on him, and everything came to a stop. The people running, the conversations, my thoughts, it all stopped the second I saw him.

As I had predicted, he was leaning casually against a wall, his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes right on me. His lips were turned into a smirk as he observed me carefully and it made me wonder just how long he had been staring at me.

Although fear was still present at the back of my mind, seeing him, seeing Harry's signature smile and the way his eyes lit up when he looked at me, I couldn't help but to smile too. Still, I bit my lower lip as I started to walk towards him. At the same time, he stood away from the wall and walk the other half of the way. My heart beat faster with every step I took, the anticipation building up until finally we stood right in front of each other.

Then it was just he and I, standing silently, looking for the right words to say. Harry was the first one to move; he leaned in slowly and pressed his lips softly against my right cheek, testing the water. He leaned back, putting his face right in front of mine, searching for a hint, trying to decrypt what I was thinking. I didn't move a muscle, my mind focused on him, focused on how much I cared for him. He tested again, but this time he kissed my left cheek.