Waves {h.s.}

twenty - collide

IT FELT AS if I hadn't been home in weeks when in reality it had barely been a day. I had been standing in front of my own door for five minutes, debating whether or not I should go in. Obviously, I knew I had to go in eventually, I couldn't put this off forever, but I did consider, just for a  second, hiding out at Harry's. However, the truth was that I always pushed back my issues, I never faced them in a reasonable time and that often made things worst; I didn't want to do that anymore.

So I took in a deep breath and unlocked the door. It wasn't what I was expecting. I thought Wendy would be home and that I would have to face her. Instead, I entered my apartment to find that she wasn't there. The tension in my shoulder faded a little and the breath I had taken in before entering finally came out of my lungs in a long thankful sigh. Turned out that as much as I tried to mind myself to face my problems, I was never quite ready for it.

I called Wendy's name to make sure that she truly wasn't there, and then I took off my boots and went into my room, letting myself fall back on my bed. I let my bags fall to the floor, next to my bed and spread my arms on each side. With my eyes closed, I took in a deep breath, trying to figure out what I was going to do with the rest of my day. I knew myself, I had a day off and I couldn't just sit and do nothing because it would drive me crazy. I had to keep busy so that my mind wouldn't overthink things.

So I gathered the courage I needed to get out of my bed and did as I always did when I was upset: I cleaned the apartment. I grabbed baggy clothes in my drawer so that I would be dressed comfortably while cleaning. After I put the clothes on, I went into the kitchen and put out all of the cleaning products then I started with the fridge.

It took me less than an hour and because cleaning did help to keep my mind off of my problems, once I finished cleaning the fridge, I went ahead and cleaned the cabinets. I sat on the floor to put everything away and started to clean that first cabinet. With my luck, right as I leaned in the cupboard, I heard the sound of key jiggling right outside of my apartment's door. Before I could think about what I was doing, when I heard the door being opened, I just tried to get on my feet, completely forgetting that I was half way inside a cupboard and hitting my head in the process. So when Wendy walked in the kitchen, she found me laying on the floor, holding my head and groaning.

"Oh my god, are you okay?" she asked before kneeling next to me.

I looked up, with watery eyes. "I just... I knocked my head," I explained with a strained voice.

I tried to sit up, but then Wendy intervened. "Wow, slowly. You might have a concussion."

I grunted, the pain and the possibility that I might have knocked my head hard enough to give myself a concussion was just too much. I had enough things to worry about, I didn't need this.

"I'll be fine," I said out loud, both trying to reassure Wendy and myself.

"Damn it, Lily. You slammed your head so hard, the sound resonated in the whole apartment," Wendy replied.

I didn't want to listen to her. It had been so easy to hide just how angry I was at her when she wasn't near, but now that she was right in front of me, all of the frustration I had buried came back to the surface. I hated that I felt that way about someone I called my best friend, but knowing that she had feelings for my boyfriend was a hard pill to swallow.

The more I looked at her, the angrier I got and before I could think about it, I asked. "Why?"

She looked at me confused for a second, not understanding what I was asking, but then realization slowly appeared in her expression as she read the tone of my voice.

"Emily..." she sighed and sat down, leaning her back against the cupboard. I mirrored her position and faced her.

"I don't understand," I said, tackling the subject head on and ignoring the throbbing pain in the back of my head. "You hate him."

I still used the present tense, I couldn't bring myself to use the past tense. She looked away, unable to look me in the eyes as she spoke.

"I never really did," she admitted. "The thing is that when you first introduced me to him, I liked him. I didn't know then that you two had something together other than friendship."

"How about when I told you that there was something, why didn't you tell me then?" I countered.

"I just knew that he would pick you, no matter what Lily, it was clear that it had always been you to him. You two were so blind to it, but everyone else saw it. I couldn't help what I felt for him, but I was never going to try and have him. So I tried to keep my distance, I tried to convince myself that my feelings weren't there and it just became easier to pretend that I hated him."

I frowned, which only increased the aching in my head but I ignored it; I was too invested in the conversation, needed answers to my questions.

"What you're saying doesn't make sense, you say that it's always been me to him, you say you didn't try to get him, but what about all these times you told me to leave him?"

"It's because you're my best friend!" she said, finally looking at me. "It's always been you to him, but that doesn't mean that he was good for you. There were times when he just hurt you more than he made you happy, it was a toxic relationship and because you mean the world to me, I felt like I had to tell you what I thought. No matter what I felt for him, you meant more to me than him."

I rubbed my temples, trying to get rid of the growing pain in my head. "But if you saw how wrong he was for me, why feel this way about him?"

"I can't control it, Emily, just like you can't control these feelings you have for him, you kept forgiving him and in a way, I did too."

I exhaled in desperation and took my head between hands, resting my elbows on my folded legs. I needed a minute, just a minute to take in everything that she had just said. Giving her a chance to speak didn't give me the consolation I thought it would. Instead, I was even more confused than before. She did explain that my friendship was more important to her than her feelings for Harry, but what was I supposed to do with it now?

My head was spinning and it became harder and harder to think. I didn't have the strength to keep talking about this.

"I can't do this right now, I need to lay down," I announced before trying to get up on my feet.

I held on to the counter, trying to stand up, but quickly lost balance and almost fell to the ground. If it wasn't for Wendy who reacted fast, I would've.

"Shit Lily," she searched for my eyes. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine," I brushed her off before regaining my balance and heading to my room.

Wendy followed me close behind. "You're seriously showing signs of a concussion," she tried to reason.

I turned around to face her. "I said I'm-"

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DUN DUN! Ending on a semi-very predictable-cliffhanger hehe.

Is Wendy's explanation so far enough for you? Do you get where she comes from or are you still mad at her ? Let me know in the comments :)

Hope you enjoyed that chapter, although it's super late. omg I am so sorry. I feel like all I'm doing is apologize for updating late, but I'm super busy lately.

* this is where it gets personal and if you don't care don't skip to the next paragraph * Some of you may know, but I only have a month left of Uni then I'll have my diploma. This last month is super important and I want to end Uni on a good note. Also, I worked super hard on getting an internship in PR for a digital content distributor (basically my dream job) and I GOT IT. I am so so so happy about it and in a way it makes all my late updating worth it. I am trying to balance everything in my life, but when it gets too much, writing is the thing I neglect first... and in a way I think it's logical to prioritize school and work. So it's going to be hard to update every week in the next month, but after that, we should be good ;)

As always, don't forget to vote and comment !

Love you guys,
Karry xx.