Infiltration

I'm Trying To Fix It

Walking back through the doors of my school, I felt like the world was right again. Whenever I walk into this place it's like something magical washes over me. It's like every thing; every trouble, every bad thought, every single thing that is bad in my life or every thing that is going wrong in my life is going to be okay. I felt more at home here than I did at my actual home. That home hadn't felt like home in a while. I don't think it will every truly feel like home. So much has happened. So much has changed. Too many things went wrong and too many things went right. I'm not the same person anymore.

The only thing that has remained constant in my life was this school. Every big moment in my life circled around this school. This school has been the turning point in my life. This school was the big plot twist in my story. Everything changed the moment I stepped through those grand doors. Everything went haywire when I got accepted into this prestigiously dangerous school. This exclusive haven. Everything in my life went completely wrong when I started going to this school, yet every time I walk into these elegant hallways everything feels right. I can be completely broken on the inside, like I am now, and come back and feel whole again.

I just wanted to put back on my uniform and go to Cov' Ops' with Mr. Solomon and feel okay with like. I wanted to pick a book out from the library and read it with a flashlight in one of the secret chambers. I wanted to be told how awful my posture was by Madame Dabney. I wanted it to be 7 a.m. and the school be filled with chatting girls heading to breakfast. I wanted to feel like everything was okay. I wanted the only thing I had to worry about was passing my senior finals and graduating. I wanted to have that satisfied feeling of passing every level of Cov' Ops'. I wanted to go into town and have coffee with my friends while studying up on who really killed JFK and why. I just wanted everything to go back to normal. Being here, being back at school, made me feel like it would. Even though deep down I knew nothing would ever be normal, or "okay", again. The school gave me false hope, something that can be really good, or incredibly dangerous.

I hadn't stepped foot in my house since before I "disappeared". I don't remember what it looked like anymore. I don't even think I'd be able to recognize it if I did go home. The last time I was home I didn't know where my dad was. The last time I was home I didn't even fully understand what the circle was. The last time I was home I hadn't gone through a period of complete memory loss. The last time I was home I was dating "Evan". The last time I was home Tyler was a wanted man. The last time I was home I hadn't almost committed suicide. Something I still think about.

Sometimes I think it would've been easier if I had just jumped. I feel like the circle would have to take time and rethink their entire plan because they had just lost their most important playing piece. I feel like that would've made them not want to take the king. At least it might've given my friends enough time to save him. Maybe the President would've been shot and Reed would still have a father... I still need to tell him about that.

I know that jumping wouldn't have solved anything, but sometimes I think what if. I mean they wouldn't have needed to kill Reed's dad if he wasn't going to tell me anything. He could've stayed alive. They didn't have to kill him period. They could've tranquilized him and taken him somewhere. They didn't have to murder him. They didn't have to shoot him right in front of me. They didn't have to make me run around the entire prison freaking out that they were going to kill me too. They didn't need to make me have to hold those people hostage. They didn't make me have a mental breakdown.

I've had a lot of those recently. I have been feeling a lot of tings recently. I also think about what would've happened if I had just stayed. What if I just stayed with the circle. A lot of those same problems could've been avoided. I could've convinced Mr. Greyson to not take the King. That there could've been another way. That this was not the right move. I could've also prevented Reed's dad from getting shot, and I also could've prevented Reed from getting arrested in the first place. If I would've stayed a lot of people would still have their lives. If I would've stayed I wouldn't have almost killed myself. I wouldn't have gone through that period of depression, that depression that I'm still struggling with.