1976

Chapter 14

"Madam?" I asked nervously. Mrs Muller sat the table, drinking her coffee and reading the newspaper. Mr Muller was in a hurry to get to work, so he missed breakfast. "Hmm" she hummed, engrossed in the article in front of her. I was hesitant to ask Mrs Muller to give me next weekend off, but I wouldn't have come to her in the first place if it wasn't for an important cause.

"If it isn't too much trouble, may I have your permission to take next weekend off?" I exhaled slowly, not realising that I held my breathe in as I spoke. But Mrs Muller didn't seem to hear me, she continued to sip from her cup. "Madam?" I asked again, even more nervously this time, but she remained quiet for a moment. A bedroom door opened and Henri emerged in fresh clean clothes. My eyes drank him in, and butterflies erupted in my stomach.

I thought we agreed you'd move on.

I stayed up all night in bed last night, debating whether or not to pursue Henri in secret. One moment, logic told me it was too dangerous and I should just forget about it. Thoughts of going to jail and never being able to provide for my brother just made me feel guilty for even considering to throw Senzo under the bus just for a boy. But then, yesterday, he almost kissed me (if it hadn't been for his mother.) That should count for something? What did I want exactly? That's a crucial question I asked myself over and over again. Was it just lust, or was I developing real, intimate feelings for him?

Feelings. Definitely feelings.

A part of me wished I hadn't felt anything for him, because I wouldn't be driving myself crazy trying to figure out what to do in this situation. Why couldn't I have fallen in love with a normal, decent black boy?

You did like Thato once upon a time.

Yeah, but that didn't go well. I can still remember the moment he rejected me. We were 14 years old. Thato was quite the looker and girls began to take notice of that, even mothers. Uncle Jabu had a braai at our house one Saturday night and almost half the township came over (uninvited my I add), but that was normal in any township. It meant free meat and booze for everyone. It was dark, but the night was young and alive. Music played from one weak speaker, but nobody seemed to mind as all sorts of conversations and laughter filled the night. Kids ran around with fire crackers and toy guns in their hands, playing cops and robbers. Others played games like hide and seek and hopscotch on the dirt roads. But I wasn't one of them.

I walked to the end of the dirt road by myself, when I heard footsteps creeping up behind me. I stopped and turned around, it was Thato. He groaned in annoyance "I was so close to scaring you!" He threw his arms in the air in frustration. I shook my head, amused by his failed attempt to scare me. He was so immature!

"I'm not one of your girls from school, Thato. The ones that pretend to be scared just so they can faint and fall into your arms." I said cheekily.

"My mistake." He murmured, he raised his hands in surrender. We walked to the end of the road, where there was a huge rock in the middle. It was my favourite spot in the whole township because from there, I could stare at the moon and have silent conversations with it. Ever since Papa and Mama died, I would sit on that rock, and talk to the moon, hoping they would hear me.

"You know the party is back that way, right?" I heard Thato say behind me.

"I know. But look at the moon tonight, it's beautiful."

"Whatever." He sighed.

At the time, Thato never really understood me, yet we lived together. In fact, I heard him tell his friends that I was 'boring and strange.' But that comment didn't faze me, and yet he still hung out with me. We sat on the rock and looked at the moon, when he turned to me and said something that surprised me.