1976

Chapter 16

I sat down in a haze, unsure if what happened the other night was real or not. But the heavy feeling in my chest confirmed what I felt was real. What he said to me, was real.

Mama once told me, that people often run back to those who hurt them. I asked her why, and she said it was because the pain reminded them that it was all real. It wouldn't be real if it didn't hurt. I never understood that when I was younger, but as I sat on the bench in the park and the cool breeze of the wind brushed against my skin, clarity washed over me. As if she heard my troubling thoughts and unanswered questions.

I wanted to hate Henri, but hate was too harsh of a feeling. But I was hurt and angry at him. My ice cold demeanor these past mornings proved so. I bet even the breakfast tasted off to him, his slight discomfort as he ate told me so. Thank goodness I hadn't prepared Mr and Mrs Muller's breakfast like that.

"Let's just...never do that again." Boy, did those words hurt. Lord gave me every strength in the heavens not to want to slap Henri that night.

So why, when thoughts of that kiss came rushing through my mind, igniting certain senses and pleasures in my body; did I still want him? His words weren't a reminder that the pain and rejection was real, it was the kiss. Because it all felt too good to be true. It was too good to be true. I really couldn't fathom my thoughts and feelings towards Henri.

I really needed Lindiwe, or someone to talk to. But Lindiwe was the only person I knew around here, and I hadn't seen her since Sunday.  Surprisingly, I didn't cry that night, as heartbroken as I was. A part of me told me that it was bound to happen this way. And afrikaans men often did this to black women. Use them for sexual pursuits, and when they grew tired of you, you were useless to them. Mama would most certainly be disappointed in me, Papa would most likely hunt Henri down and threaten him. So would Thato, he was overly protective over me when it came to the opposite sex.

What was I to do? Quit? No, I couldn't quit. Not when I was going to see the family this weekend. I just had to suck it up, and handle it like a grown woman. Henri was still in the apartment when I left. This was my chance to tell him once and for all how his actions were affecting me (work related that is.) And I would end this almost affair once and for all.

I stand up, ready and determined and make my way back to the apartment. Before I walk over to his bedroom, I entered mine first, just to calm my nerves down and rehearse what I would say to him.

"Master Henri, what we did that night can never happen again. Your actions are-"

I look to my bed and notice a box placed on it. I walk over to my bed, and sit beside the box. It's a shoebox.  And at the thought of shoes, I notice the shoe prints engraved on the box. I frown in confusion, these must belong to Mr Muller. I curiously remove the top of the box, and Inside are a pair of black shoe laced gentlemen's footwear that undeniably look expensive. And beneath the shoes, is a small note. I dig for the note and read it.

I hope they're the right size.

-Henri.

"I'll buy the gift for you..." I remember Henri say; this was the gift.

What? Where did he get these? There's no way I'm accepting these! This is too much!

I felt really angry and annoyed. Was he using the excuse of my brother's gift as an apology for what happened that night? He had some nerve. I found myself at his bedroom door and without even thinking or knocking, I walked in on him.

He stood by his bed, in the midst of putting a shirt on (as much as I wanted to revel in the sight of Henri shirtless for the brief moment, I couldn't. I was too angry.)