Keep It Together (OHSHC/Hikaru Love Story)

Chapter 30

I had a hard decision to make, and it was going to change my life in a huge way. I couldn't choose wrong. It wasn't something I could go back on once I had done it, and I couldn't imagine the terrible tragedy screwing up would be. But what was I supposed to do?

I played with my topaz necklace with my fingers as I stared down at my bed sheets. How much longer could I wait? Could I keep pushing off my decision? I knew what I wanted, which was what made it so hard. What I wanted wasn't what was right, yet I couldn't let it go. The funny thing was that I acted like I really had a decision to make. I knew somewhere in me I didn't have any options. I was just making it up, wasn't I?

I sighed, a noise I was becoming accustomed to. It was then that there was a knock my bedroom door. "Yes?" I called, figuring that it was a servant giving me news. If I was lucky, as bad as it seemed, maybe it was something terrible about my grandmother. That would make things easier.

The door opened, and I was stunned to see Tamaki outside my room. While we talked a lot more outside school and things like that, he rarely came to my room. "Sorry. I hope I'm not bothering you," he apologized as he closed the door behind him.

"I.... No. I was just thinking," I shrugged. I motioned to me bed, and he sat on the edge next to me.

There was a short silence where I waited for him to speak. He sighed softly. "Amarante, are you okay?"

My eyes widened slightly, "Why?"

"You've been more quiet than usual lately. You didn't even speak during dinner today," Tamaki told me.

"I just have a lot on my mind," I dismissed. "The school year will be ending soon. I don't even know if my wedding date is this year or the next. It's a bit more than preoccupying." At the very least, I hadn't lied.

He gave me a sad smile, "Really? Because Hikaru seems to be just as preoccupied as you nowadays." I stared at him. "I know what's going on, Amarante. I saw you with him during lunch. It wouldn't have been hard to tell something was wrong even if I hadn't."

I looked down and said in a soft voice, "Just how much did you hear?"

He explained, "I went to the room because I left a textbook in there. I hadn't meant to see anything. When I opened the door, you were singing, and then I saw... well, you know. I didn't stick around. I guess things didn't go well?"

"Actually, it did, in a way," I smiled a bit. "I just.... I don't know what I'm doing, René, and he knows it, too. He said I would regret it if I did anything to hurt Mama. I shouldn't have kissed him, but I feel happy with Hikaru, and he said he feels the same."

Tamaki figured out, "You're not going through with the marriage." He didn't even sound surprised. He genuinely expected that outcome.

I shook my head, "No, that isn't true. At this point, I am. Hikaru's right. I can't allow myself to cause Mama any more pain. Between her illness, loosing you, and then loosing me, that just isn't fair to her. If I don't marry Eric, Grandmother will stop paying Mama's bills, and we both know Father can't or Grandmother will punish him, possibly through us, too. There's too much at stake."