Confiding in You ϟ a.i.

Chapter 70

==Maddie's POV==

I run my fingers through my hair, tugging nervously at the ends as Dr. Avery writes something in my file. I've spoken more about Ethan and what he did in the past four days than I have in the entire year and a half since it happened. Just two more days in here and I hopefully never have to talk about him again.

Sectioning my hair into three pieces, I tap my foot on the ground to some unknown beat. At least I hope it is only two. Who knows what she's been writing in there.

"So tell me about Ashton," she says while she finishes writing, glancing up at me. I drop my hair from my hands and stare at her.

Ethan is the only person I'd like to talk less about than Ashton right now. The best parts of my sessions are when I get to talk about my family and not think about either of them.

"What?" I ask.

"Just tell me about him," she smiles, "About who he is, what he likes to do. What you like about him and what you don't like about him."

I reach down and grip the sides of my seat, leaning forward as I think. It would be easiest to describe him as a modern day Holden Caulfield, flaws and all, but that would be stupid. He's more than Holden, more than I ever dreamed of a boy being. On both the good and bad ends of the spectrum.

Closing my eyes, I say, "Well, he loves comic books -- he was always trying to get me to read them. He plays soccer, and he looks after his little brother a lot."

I open my eyes and Dr. Avery is listening intently rather than writing. The room has been warm from the moment I step foot in it, but I was still colds. Now that I'm thinking about Ashton, though, there's a warm feeling in the pit of my stomach and I know it's going to spread to the rest of my body. I wish it would stop.

"I know he wants to coach his brother's soccer team eventually. He's a lot gentler than he lets himself appear. Um, he's a senior, but I don't know if he knows what he wants to do after graduation. He's really good at art, though."

I shift around in my seat, clearing my throat. Thinking about him like this is only making me want to get back together with him, to let him back in.

"And what about his flaws? The things you don't like?" Dr. Avery says, reading my mind.

All of this time, I have overlooked his flaws. It's an effort to even think of them as flaws now, after pushing myself to accept them for so long. But I need to realize, really realize, that he isn't good for me.

"He drinks and smokes a lot," I bite my lip, trying to let go. It's perfectly fine to admit that he's flawed, right? "And he's really -- ugh -- he just makes the worst decisions. He always acts on impulse and then expects people to feel bad for him just because he feels guilty."

"Do you?"

I tilt my head at her, waiting for her to clarify. I have to sit back in my seat and take a breath. Talking about Ashton is even harder than I thought.

"Do you feel bad for him?"

"I mean," I pause, looking off in the direction of all of her degrees, "He used to hurt himself out of guilt. So, yeah. I mean, I guess I do."

She lifts her eyebrows in shock, "You didn't mention that."

I shrug and start to pick at my nails, another nervous habit I got in here. Because I'm not allowed to have hair ties, braiding my hair started to get old.

"Yesterday, he asked me if we could ever get back together," I tell her quietly.

In reality, what is making me consider getting back together with him is how guilty he is. With everything he's done to me, he hasn't ever gotten defensive about it. He wants to try and make things right -- the only question is if he ever could.