Confiding in You ϟ a.i.

Chapter 46

The very moment that I was left alone with my thoughts after Ashton asked me about Halloween, I was brought back to that night. It's been replaying in my mind ever since and the only time it stops is when I'm forced to think about something else. It won't stop completely until I pick every inch of it apart.

I always say that Ashton knows everything about me because he knows what happened and how poorly I handled it, but the truth is he only knows the very basics of it. Now that he's told me every mistake he's made, I may be the one keeping secrets. He doesn't know how it all played out, how much I regret and could have done differently. He doesn't know that sometimes I think saying I asked for it could be justified.

He doesn't know that if only last Halloween didn't happen, maybe none of this would have.

Jake had sat down across from me in Zoology with a big smile his face. He was cute, a typical, clean cut surfer boy. But in California I had a habit of completely ignoring any attraction I had toward anyone. I didn't want to be like I was with Luke. I wanted to be unattainable. "You coming on Friday?"

Friday was Halloween, and what I told Ashton wasn't actually a lie. On Halloween for the two years previous, I stayed at home and watched terrible horror movies with my dad while all of my friends partied. It was almost becoming a tradition and I didn't expect this year to be any different.

"To the bonfire?" he clarified upon seeing my confusion. He laughed lightly like I was supposed to know but in hindsight my friends there were just like Hannah. There wasn't any expectation that they would have told me.

"Oh, no," I replied, tapping on my binder anxiously and frowning. There was going to be alcohol and various drugs, from what I knew about Jake and his parties. As much as I wanted to fit in, I wouldn't go that far to do it. I was still as much of a 'goody two-shoes' as I was before I left Ohio. "I wasn't planning on it."

"Why not?" Jake had whined.

This is where I wish he had just left it. If he had, I would be in California right now, without all of this Luke drama. I would still be pretending to be some pretty, confident girl but at least I would be closer to that than I am now. Of course I'm thankful for Ashton, but to keep my sanity I'd be willing to sacrifice anything.

"My friend Ethan wants to meet you. I had to tell him about the pretty girl in my lab group."

"Oh, shut up Jake," I rolled my eyes, but my blazing cheeks were betraying me.

He had me considering it then, like the naive girl I was. I wasn't some alluring beauty like I was trying to portray and if Ethan looked anything like Jake, I wanted to meet him. I was still Maddie and I was still too interested in cute boys. Pretending I wasn't was getting old.

Still, I wanted to talk to my dad about it first. My own question of what could go wrong would be answered by him, and I wanted to make sure he was okay with me leaving him to watch movies by himself.

But, of course, if he kept me inside on Halloween, there wouldn't be much to tell. He was thrilled that I had found something to do that got me out of the house. I had been avoiding my friends' intoxicated fun for so long, he probably didn't even think I had friends.

"I know you'll make the right choices, Mad," he said when I mentioned all of the illegal things that would probably be happening. I thought he was right; I wouldn't go near the beer or the narcotics. I just wasn't aware that talking up a dark haired, blue eyed boy was a bad choice. "Just be home by midnight."

So that was it. I was going to go. It was my first real social outing of my entire time spent in California and I was more nervous than excited. I didn't even know if I was supposed to wear a costume but I figured it would be best if I didn't. Good thing, too.