Confiding in You ϟ a.i.

Chapter 27

I leave my study hall before lunch feeling a bit discouraged now. I spent the entire period thinking of answers Hannah could give me to my question. They were all negative, by varying degrees.

But what answer do I even want from anyone? What I want is to date Luke. I want to be able to suck it up and have a normal relationship with him that includes all the physical stuff. Sadly, though, my anxiety won't budge.

I think what I'm really looking for in asking people what I should do is something that will alleviate my stress. Something that will flip the switch in my mind from "this is painful and uncomfortable" when being in those situations with Luke to "this is great and what I've always wanted."

I walk to my locker and Hannah is there with a bright smile on her face as usual. I'm only going to make her angry by asking, but maybe if I specify my concern she might be more forgiving? Probably not.

I've failed to pack a lunch yet again, so I don't even open my locker before we head to the cafeteria. There's always this silence between us on the walk there. It's not exactly tense, just uncomfortable. I think were both just trying to figure out what to say.

"Hannah?" I ask once we get to our table. She starts to unpack her lunch and looks at me with a raised eyebrow. That's enough to scare me out of questioning her about Luke. "H-how has your day been?"

"It's been great," the smile returns to her face, "Once I get to this point in my day, I'm always having a great day. How was yours?"

"Fine," I slump down, laying my head down on my crossed arms. I should just talk to her, shouldn't I? It's not like she could respond any worse than she has in the past. It takes a moment, but I work up the courage to open my mouth, "Do you think I should date Luke, like honestly? I mean--"

"Maddie, are you joking me?" She cuts me off, her bright features fading quickly as she starts to look like she's going to murder me. She puts her sandwich down mid-bite and leans back in her chair, "Didn't we have this conversation like 6 times already? Just stay away from Luke."

"But it's what I've wanted since middle school," I murmur before lifting my head up and feeling much too courageous for my own good, "Why do you even care so much anyway? It's not like it even affects you."

"Yes, it does!" She blurts out, slamming her hands down on the table. My eyebrows knit together in confusion as she attempts to steady her angry breathing. "God, I didn't want to tell you this, but since you won't fucking stay away from him like I told you to, I guess I have to."

"What?" My voice is small again. I haven't even heard what she has to say and my chest already feels heavy.

"Just never mind," she sighs, averting her attention back to her food. I watch her and I feel myself getting warmer as I get more and more nervous. I don't want to know what she has to say, but at the same time I'm done with being in the dark about everything.

"Just tell me," my voice shakes, "Stop hiding everything from me."

Hannah rolls her eyes, flipping her hair over her shoulder. She pauses for a moment as if to think of the right way to put it, but she obviously doesn't care if she is so quick to tell me. "I've been hooking up with Luke since the school year started," she emphasizes every word as if I'd struggle to comprehend it.

I do, though. I really have a hard time wrapping my mind around what she's just said. It doesn't make sense to me. I sit there in embarrassing silence until she decides to continue speaking condescendingly toward me.

"I think I've made out with him during 4th period every day for the past three weeks. Not to mention, on Friday, he spent the night after your sorry ass wouldn't fuck him."