Rupture // h.s au

39. "It's okay."

Autumn

" Listen, Liam, you're my only brother, and there are some things that I... I wish I never had to tell you, but I do. I can't protect you, or myself, from this any longer. We both just have to... suffer through this one, okay?"

It had been about a week since Liam had brought me back to the Chaotics' camp. He had been staying with Niall, along with a guard. It felt like I hadn't seen him in so long. Like all I had been witnessing in my own head, all that rage, and fear, and confusion, had blurred my sight, that I couldn't possibly see past it. He stared at me with kind, innocent, eyes, and I felt the urge to protect him from the world. From that gruesome past, from his brutal father, even from my own bitter self. If only I could.

I took his hands into my own, sighing to myself. He stiffened beneath my touch, before he gave my hands a slight squeeze. He had so much taken away from him, and now I had to wreck that image he had of his only parent.

" Remember the story I told you about mum's... about her passing?" He nodded, and I could almost see that innocent, unknowing, little boy behind his frightened eyes. It broke my heart.

" It didn't happen the way we thought it did. I- I've been remembering things. I don't know why now, but it's like, something triggered it, and now it's all overflowing. Liam, I- I've been so fucking cold, so distant and selfish. I allowed my pain to smother the life out of me, and I forgot about your own pain. And I can't possibly begin to explain how sorry I am. I am so, so sorry. And to have to tell you this, to have to do this to you again, it's just... it's the second hardest thing I've ever had to do, next to shutting you out for all those years. But I never meant to lie to you, not about this, Liam. I just-" A stubborn sob choked my words, strangling my breathing, as it forced its way past me.

" It's okay, Autumn. Whatever it is, it's okay." He whispered, rubbing my hands soothingly.

" But it's not, Liam. And I don't know how to make it okay. I don't know how to pretend that this too, is okay. It's- God, Liam, it was dad. It was our men who took her away, and it was under his orders that she was murdered. We- my mind, I couldn't- I didn't know how to handle it, so my mind blocked it out, buried it somewhere I didn't want to reach. My memories blurred and I just- I didn't know how to live with the truth. I'm so sorry, Liam."

He started crying too, asking questions that I wished I could have answered for him, to put his mind to ease, but I couldn't. So I held him, and for the first time in the longest time, I allowed myself to feel his pain, along with mine. I heard every single sob that went past his lips. I felt every single tear that fell onto my neck. I sensed every single heartbeat that sped through him. I felt it all, and it hurt like hell, but it had to be done, if I had any chance at all of feeling anything past the deathly numbness.

We cried for the mother we had lost so suddenly, so unfairly. We cried for the two children that had their innocence ripped apart, only to turn into the two distant, confused, and tormented individuals we now were. We cried for the man we thought our father had been, and how his brutality had exceeded all our worst nightmares. We cried for the world that had ended, and the world that would never get reborn. We just cried, because it had been so long and we had witnessed so much yet released so little.

Eventually, our cries died down, and he was laying by my side on the bed, with his head on my lap, the way we used to lay for hours, when we were young, and oblivious to the cruel world closing in on us. I hadn't felt this close to him in years, and although my heart ached with the new realizations, and the guilt would continue to feed on my insides, I wished that moment would last till we were both healed. It didn't though, since Harry came into the room, with Niall behind him. He eyed us both kindly, before looking away, giving us the space he assumed we needed. Liam lifted into a sitting position, wiping at his swollen eyes, and forcing a small smile. I felt my heart thump against my ribcage, as I returned the smile weakly. He then stood, walking towards Niall, as they spoke within themselves. Harry approached me, his eyes taking me in, absorbing every single change in my exterior.

" You told him, didn't you?" I nodded, sighing weakly, before falling back into a sleeping position, absolutely drained by it all.

" Is he- are you okay?" I couldn't help but smile, but it was as conflicted as I had been. He seemed to understand though, nodding once, returning my smile nevertheless.

" We need to change the bandage on your wound, and then we can spend the rest of the night talking about absolute nonsense. Or you can cry into my arms some more, whatever really."

" You dick!" I breathlessly exclaimed, before falling into a fit of laughter. I could see him smiling in pride, before he joined in with his own chuckles, shaking his head at the irony of it all. Soon, Liam and Niall were walking back towards us, and I was pulled into Liam's embrace, as he silently held onto me. I didn't know what to do, it had been so long since I had felt all that, since I had acknowledged the fact that I loved my brother more than I'd ever be able to admit. Weakly, I circled my own arms around him, ignoring the uncomfortable angle with which my body laid now.

" I have to go, but I'll come see you tomorrow if I can. I love you, Autumn."

It was so simple. To most people, it would have been normal too, but to me, it was mind boggling, overwhelming almost, and I thought I'd cry again, if he hadn't been holding me so vulnerably. He pulled away, planting a kiss to my forehead, and offering one final smile, before walking away. He didn't wait for my response, because he knew that for the most part, I couldn't cope with love. I couldn't bear its weight on my chest, because it was already so heavy with other burdens. I couldn't fathom the thought of loving someone, or having someone love me. But my eyes fell onto Harry for a mere second, and he gave me that look that I couldn't possibly understand, but it held something so warm, so comforting and assuring, that I found myself whispering my reply to my brother, even though he didn't expect it or maybe even need it.

" I love you too, Liam."

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A/N: Next chapter is going to be quite intense, so I'll probably update regardless of any goals or whatever, I can't wait to share it all with you

ily x