Rupture // h.s au

66. She wasn't back yet.

Harry

Light was brushing against my heavy eyelids, willing them to open, to take in the world that somehow continued to turn, even when it had lost its axis. It didn't make any sense. It had been dark when I'd left her behind. Fingers were touching my skin, alerting my exhausted senses, and I couldn't help but think of how her fingers felt, as they fell away from my own. A voice, was whispering into my ears, and as kind as it was, it wasn't her own. I could still hear her voice, saying her goodbye, so tenderly, it could have been mistaken for a promise to stay.

I closed my eyes tighter, willing the darkness to swallow me, and not throw me up into the horrid reality. I wasn't ready. Wasn't ready to open my eyes and not see her. To partake in a world that didn't start and end with her. To see what it looked like, without her there. Everything hurt. Everything would always hurt. And I wasn't ready to feel it all.

The voices grew stronger though, as life's hold on me tightened, willing me to awake. And slowly, hesitantly, I did. The light was too bright, sending a wave of nausea through me, as I blinked. One time. Two times. Mom's face began to clear. I almost cried in relief. At least she was the first thing welcoming me back into the world that I no longer cared for.

My head was in her lap. The fingers that I'd felt were hers. My arms were laying limply beside me, as I circled them around her waist, burying my face into her stomach, because Autumn really wasn't there. And it hit me, over and over again, I had to bite down on my lips to not succumb under the intensity of the physical blow of it.

" Shh, love. It's okay. You're okay." I held on stronger. I could feel myself straying away, could feel the need for her igniting everything inside me, pulling me away from this; from what I now had to live with, and to her. And I couldn't do that, couldn't go after her, not this time. Because I didn't leave her. And she didn't leave me either. We were both just- left, with whatever remained of one another.

" How long have I been out?" My voice was strained, and it took a lot out of me to force those words out, it almost put me to sleep again.

" Two and a half days now. You got us all really worried."

My first thought was; two days and she wasn't back yet. Why was it taking her so long? When was she coming back? I missed her so fucking much, it hurt. My second thought was; what had happened in camp during those two days? Were they all coping with her loss as poorly as I was? Were they as hollowed out as I felt inside? How dare the world carry on like she'd never been there at all?

" Oh God, mom." I was suffocating. Something had its hold on me and I was too weak, too drained to fight. I didn't have it in me anymore. It felt like I had very little in me now, that I didn't have her, kept safely inside.

" It's alright. Everything is going to be just fine, baby. You're awake now, and we'll fix you up." I wanted to tell her that she couldn't. She couldn't fix me up because Autumn was the thread keeping me together, she was stitching me whole, and now I was in pieces, scattered between our camp and hers.

" She's gone, mom. She's not here. Not with me."

I wondered, how many times I'd have to say it, for it to start hurting a little less? How many voices would I need to hear, for that crack in her voice as she kissed me goodbye, to fade to the back of my head? How many hands would need to touch me, for me to stop feeling her fingers all over my skin? How many fucking days till I was able to leave my bed and get through the day as a functioning human being? How much longer, till she finally came back?

" Oh, baby. I know. Louis told me what happened. Said you were so brave. You did so good, baby, letting her do what she needed to do. I know how much that hurt, but it was the right thing to do. If you'd brought her back, it wouldn't have been her, not really. You did good, Harry."

" I would have taken it. Whatever that came out of her, I would have taken that, and loved it all the same. My heart hurts, mum. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Everything fucking hurts." I clung to my shirt, pulling at it, like that would somehow spread portions of my pain in the air. My mom's lips fell onto my hair, kissing me, and I wondered if I closed my eyes tight enough, if it would feel more like Autumn.

" I know, baby. I know. But she loves you. She loves you so much. She'll come back. I know that when she's ready, she'll come home. You just have to hold on a little bit longer. Just wait for her, Harry."

" I'm scared if I let you go, I'd run back to her without really meaning to. I don't know how to stay here without her. Don't feel like myself. Don't feel like anything without her, mom."

I felt like a child; body too small to contain all this rage and heartbreak and sadness, soul too young to bare the torment, mind too innocent to process such a loss. I needed my mother. I needed Autumn. I needed to get out of this body, and find a stronger one. One that wasn't so in love with Autumn, so desperate for her nearness.

" You'll feel better. I promise. The pain won't ever get better, not really, but it will mold into your being so deeply, you'll forget it's there. Your heart will hurt less every time you say her name, and you'll smile, sometimes, thinking about her. You'll dream of her and wake up comforted, rather than panting for air and sweating her memory out. You'll see people and hear stories and they'll remind you of her but it wouldn't break your heart. You'll get better at living without her, because we don't have a choice, Harry. We have to. We have to live without them, until we can't."

I pulled away, only a little, eyes falling onto my mother's face that was suddenly emotionless, despite the tears filling her eyes. I remembered that my mother's heart was just as heavy as my own, and her mind was still haunted by her loss, even after all those years. I got it now. I got why my mother sometimes spoke of loneliness, even with all of us surrounding her. I got why her eyes always looked to be overflowing with tears, even when she was laughing, even when she didn't really need to cry. I got why sometimes she needed some time alone, to remind herself that she needed to be just that. I got why her features seemed to age a lot quicker than someone who hadn't lost a husband. I got it, and I found some form of twisted comfort in it. Because at least she would no longer suffer by herself. She had me now. And my God, was I suffering.

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A/N: This is probably one of my favorites chapter of this story and it hits too close to home right now. I'm highly unmotivated these days, but it was time for an update, and you guys got this story over 111k reads so I couldn't take that away from you, so thank you, a million times. 

I hope you enjoyed this little, sad, chapter, let me know if you did or didn't please. I could use any motivation or support or criticism. I might give you another update tomorrow or something, I'm not sure, but I need to make sure you guys read this one first :)

I hope you're having a great day, ily x